One minute at a time...

I have been taking things one minute at a time today... It feels as though a day, or even an hour at a time is a bitt too much to handle. It's getting to that time of the year, the one year anniversary of the worst moments of my life and I am trying very hard to distract myself and not allow it to consume me. I am working very hard at it and so far, so good. But I can't make any promises.

Every once in a while, the emotions come flooding back, without remorse, without pulling punches. And it freakin' hurts. It still does, even after all this time. Obviously I don't want it to. I don't want to remember how badly I was hurting, but what I want is not always what I get.

If I'm not highly distracted, full steam ahead kind of distracted, the memories come. The flood back and they take over and I can't get rid of them very easily. I hate it.

Art...

Vincent van Gogh is my favourite artist. Here's why:

Blossoming Almond Tree

Enclosed Field with Rising Sun

Green Wheat Field with Cypress

Irises

Old Man in Sorrow (On the Threshold of Eternity)

Starry Night Over the Rhone

Starry Night (my favourite painting!)

The Cafe Terrace

Vase with Twelve Sunflowers

Self-Portrait

Not Feeling It...

The working is piling up around me and I can't seem to get myself in the right frame of mind to start going through it all.... I feel as though I am a ball of PMS-fury just waiting to explode. Every little thing around me is a source of frustration today. The ringing phone, the annoying woman who sits behind me, the person trying to find a new ringtone at the office, the chick that speaks so loudly all the time that I suspect she might actually have a hearing problem.... Shall I continue? Ok.... The fact that my body temperature is all over the place. I'm either boiling hot or so cold that I have to wear my coat at my desk. The sound of my own typing annoys me. And my stiff, sore back and neck muscles... I won't even begin to describe just how annyoing that is. There is just one thing I miss about the ex.... Just one tiny thing, and that's his ability to give me a decent massage. Stupid. I know.

All I am looking forward to is the weekend... As usual. I am seeing my school friends on Saturday night. I can't wait. It's been such a long time since we've gotten together and just talked. I've really missed them in the last year or so. My sister got a VIP pass to a high tea and wedding fashion show on Sunday afternoon and she invited me to go along. She says I'm the only person she knows who want to get married! Well, yes... eventually. When I meet the right man.

Speaking of the right man, I feel as though I am ready to date again. Maybe not, you know, this weekend, because the PMS-monster will send any guy running in the opposite direction, but in the near future. I feel ready.

At this moment, all I want is to pack up my things, go home and get into bed. I feel exhausted. Is it still the after-effects of donating blood? I don't know. It's probably the PMS. I'd love to sleep through it.

Now it would be very nice if everyone could just turn their own personal volume down and just be quiet.

I have a headache.

First-Time Blood Donor

The South African National Blood Service is at my office today.

I have wanted to donate blood for a long time, but my fear of needles has always stopped me.

Today, I overcame my fear and I did it!

That's me! Giving blood!

I even got an award for being brave!

I'll admit, I'm feeling a little light-headed now, but it's not too bad. I am very proud of myself!

A Poem

This poem has been one of my favourites for a very long time and today I am dedicating it to my friend, who lost her husband two months ago....

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

 

- W.H. Auden

Oh, I Almost Forgot...

It's very rare for me to do a double-post these days, but there are a few things I wanted to add....

Firstly, it's the one-year anniversary of this blog. Happy birthday blog!!

I know the cake says 50.... I just like the pink, black and red combination... And the stars. I love the stars!

I also wanted to add that I am feeling a little pissed off.... The ex has shown up all over my Facebook newsfeed. A photographer has obviously uploaded photos that were taken almost two years ago of the ex's band. And one of the band members is a mutual friend so there's my ex... All over my Facebook newsfeed. I am not taking it well. Although, to my credit, I am taking it better than I would have 6 months ago. Back then I would have been in tears. Now I am just annoyed. I hate the fact that he shows up when I'm doing great... Almost as if to remind me that there he is and that he still has the power to affect my moods. I know he shouldn't, but the reality is that he does. The other weekend I saw his car in the the parking lot of Dee's complex and my entire day was ruined. And now my day has been ruined by seeing his stupid face on my newsfeed. I did look at all the photos, I'll admit. I had to see if they were new or old. And I paused at a close up of his face and wondered what on earth I ever found physically attractive. I still can't figure it out. I must have been blind - how is an overweight, ginger, sweaty man attractive? Well, at least I know I'm no longer attracted to him! Although, to be fair, I think I stopped finding him attractive long before we broke up.

And that's all I wanted to add.

A Slow Start...

As usual, I am experiencing a slow start to this week... Not because I want to, but because my brain is wired to do so after the weekend. It's a weekly struggle and I am used to it.

The weekend itself was good. Like someone said this morning, a bad weekend is better than no weekend at all. I fully agree!

Friday evening, the family unit went to Pascali's to eat. And we ate... A lot. If we don't go there for half price Monday night pizza, we go for meze. We order their deep-fried foccacia, which is heavenly, with some dips and a few of their starter dishes. And sangria. Lots and lots of sangria! And we talk. In the years I was with the ex, I missed having conversations with my family over a good meal. We are especially talkative during our Friday night meals - when we can round off the week and we have the energy to go on a little longer than on a weeknight. I ended the evening off by watching a dvd - Music and Lyrics - a cute rom-com with Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore.

On Saturday morning I was ordered to stay home while my parents went shopping - for my birthday present. So I bummed around the house and relaxed. In the evening, my mom and I went to church. I hadn't been for a while and it was good. I like going to church. I am working on my relationship with God. We have our moments when we are at odds, and I am slowing beginning to build my trust in Him again.

Then after church and dinner I went off to Cafe Barcelona. Three of my favourite South African bands were playing - Southern Gypsy Queen, Black Cat Bones and Tidal Waves. I had a great time, seeing old friends and making new ones. The members of Tidal Waves were very happy to see me again. I have been a fan of theirs for many years and they did notice my absence in the time that I was with the ex and the subsequent withdrawal from the world immediately following the break-up. But now I'm back and I will be seeing them more often. No doubt about it. I can't even begin to describe the amount of fun I had - it reminded me of a simpler time, many years ago, before heartbreak, before the tears. Except that this time I am a better version of me, a stronger version of me and that makes me incredibly happy.

Sunday was Father's Day and my sister and I treated my dad to a delicious meal at Tasha's in Brooklyn Design Square. We had a great time and I think he really enjoyed the fact that his daughters are able to take him out to a nice restaurant for a good meal. I love my dad more than I can explain. He has been a true hero to me, over and over again. It brings tears to my eyes thinking how incredibly strong he was for me in the months following the break-up and the miscarriage. Thank you dad for being you!

And that brings us to Monday... Back at work. The nuisance woman is still around and I am waiting for the next wave of drama to come from her. That is all we can do, I guess. Just wait for something to happen - good or bad. So we'll see. I'm just keeping my distance, ignoring the little things that annoy me and concentrating on what I need to do.

So let's do it...