Forgiveness...

I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness the last few days. In the last year, I have done a lot of soul-searching and have forgiven God and, for the most part, myself for everything that happened. I feel that I need to forgive the ex for the part that he has played. I need to forgive him, and I need to tell him that I forgive him.

The problem that I am facing is that, knowing him, I know that he feels no remorse for his part in everything that happened. I am certain that he feels as though he was the victim in all of this, which means that I would have to apologise for my part in everything that happened. Am I really ready to do that? I don't know.

I know that once all has been forgiven and once I have apologised, I will be able to move forward with my life.

And so I will continue to think about forgiveness. I will continue to battle with myself and with my perception of him. And I will see what conclusion I come to.

Tattoos of Memories...

On Saturday morning, Dee came to my house to fetch me and she took me to Chapman's Art Emporium to get my tattoo done. I was extremely nervous but I was very lucky to have Dee there to hold my hand through it all. It wasn't very painful, just the part where the tattoo goes on the slightly flabbier part of my arm... That hurt a bit and I could feel the vibrations from the needle even into my chest. Royston, the artist, was extremely good. He added a bit of extras and now it's amazing.

I have been looking after it nicely, giving it air, cleaning it regularly and applying the cream. It's already started scabbing and it's itching like mad today!! But no scratching!!!

The dates are so very important to me. The are the dates of my two miscarriages. I have been wanting this tattoo for months now, but I'm glad I waited until now. Yes, I still feel kind of emotional when I look at it, at least it's not too bad. I told my parents about the tattoo on Sunday morning. They weren't all that thrilled, but there's really not much they can do about it. The one thing my dad said is that he thinks it's too big. Well, I think it's just fine the way it is. I like it a lot.

Sunday was the one year anniversary of the break up and I was a little emotional about it. But I'm ok now. Hell, I've survived for a year, I'm sure it'll get even easier as more and more time goes by!

Watching the Weight...

In the last year I have gained about 30 kilos or so... I'm not one to constantly weigh myself, so it's pretty much a guess. I have gone up 2 pants sizes, from 34 to 38 and 2 shirt sizes from 32 to 36, sometimes even 38.

The reason for the wieght gain is the fact that I am eating three meals a day again. And I have a mother who gets very upset if plates are not clean at the end of a meal, so I am eating pretty much everything that's put in front of me. For a while I also did a lot of comfort eating and even though I've stopped that, my stomach has gotten used to having all kinds of delicous goodies fed into it.

I was putting on one of my new 36DD bras this morning, and I realised that the weight gain has meant that I got my boobs back. At my thinnest, I was down to a 34C. I've never been a flat-chested kinda girl, and a 34C is the smallest I'd been since I was 15. I'm very glad to have my boobs back, but I'm a little uncomfortable by the mass I have below the chest area.

Yes, I wear clothes that flatter me and I'm tall, but there's something uncomfortable about sitting down and have two massive rolls bulging out, ruining the look of an outfit.

And so the thought pops into my head that perhaps I should start watching what I eat. I'm not a fan of excerise so I figure that if I start off by watching what I eat, it'll be a good start. But then comes time to actually eat and let's face it.... I freakin' love food!

And I put it off.....

For a little while anyway....

This is a Rule at My House...

21... With Some Experience....

Yesterday was my birthday! A real lady never reveals her age, so I will say that I am 21... with some experience!

I was at home, having been booked off from work with a mild upper respiratory tract infection. I spent all of Tuesday sleeping, and then decided that on Wednesday, being my birthday, I would actually get up out of bed. My phone had starting beeping with Facebook notifications some time during the night and I eventually gave up on sleep at around 8am. I received so many birthday wishes from friends and family all over the world!

My dad came back to the house on the way to a meeting and that's when he and my mom gave me their gift. A lovely knitted cardigan and a gift voucher from Woolies... My favourite place to shop!!!

My dad left the car at home when he went off to the meeting so I went off to Centurion to renew my driver's license. I was in and out of there in less than 2 hours! It may not be the nicest thing to do on one's birthday, or the nicest place to go on one's birthday, but I at least I can say that I accomplished something.... I am finally driving legally again!!

I had booked a table at my favourite Greek restaurant, Mythos, in Brooklyn Design Square. I had invited my bestest Dee to come along (with her babydaddy, obviously) but they couldn't make it. So it was me and my family. I saw my sister for the first time that day, and she showered me with lots of little presents! She got me two DVD's.... The Notebook and Edward Scissorhands. She also got me a cute bookmark and Chocomania lip butter from The Body Shop. Yummy!!!

We had arrived in Brooklyn a little early because the Exclusive Books sale started that same day and my mom wanted to have a look. And so I ended up buying myself some books, including a book on Frida Kahlo, Ozzy Osbourne's autobiography, a novel based on the life of Catherine de Medici, Rudyard Kipling's Just So Stories and a little book on writing tips. Kind of my birthday present to myself. And then we noticed that Woolies had some sales going on, so I got myself two sweaters from there, a red one and an orange one. More birthday presents to myself!

Dinner was really good. We ordered two meze platters, one with meat and one vegetarian. They were delicious! Because of the anti-biotics I was on, I couldn't really have a cocktail, so I only had one glass of wine. I kept trying to make it last longer by adding more ice! And it made me very, very tipsy! By the time I got home, I was exhausted and I just fell into bed!

This morning was a struggle, as usualy, to get out of bed. And even though I was feeling somewhat better yesterday, I am back to feeling like I was on the wrong end of a fist fight while asleep last night. My brain is barely functioning... So much so that I forget that my nose is blocked and end up almost passing out when trying to inhale through my nose! Yes, it's that bad!

To wrap up, I want to thank everyone that played a part in my birthday yesterday. From my amazing family, to me dear, dear friends, both near and far, to the little old Chinese man who took such stunning ID photos of me, to the friendly old man looking after cars and the guy taking fingerprints at the Centurion testing centre, to the friendly cashier at the KFC drive-through window and the excellent waiter at Mythos. Everyone that I came into contact with yesterday helped to make my day perfect. I think that for the first time in my life, I experienced a true birthday, one of those days where everything just goes right.

I think back to last year and I can see such an overwhelming difference in my life. A year ago, on my birthday, I was so scared, so uncertain and very, very sad. I had dinner at a fancy restaurant with the ex (a few days before he became my ex) and we barely spoke. I hated every second of it. I didn't want yesterday to end.... It really was the perfect day. And it's only just hit me now.... As I've typed this, I realised that I am happy. I really am. And it's wonderful!

And now, let's do the Happy Dance!!



Cat Lady...

As you know, I love my kitties (and if you didn't know it, shame on you).

Here's a link to a fellow cat lady. Except that she can draw... I can just gush about my babies!

cat versus human

Winter, You Little Bitch....

When I left the house this morning it was still dark, as it usually is. I felt a crispness in the air but that was it. By the time I got to the Gautrain station in Rhodesfield, it wasn't dark any more, but it was completely overcast. And the crispness that I had felt in Pretoria had turned into wind. Ice cold wind. Now, looking out of my 10th floor window at the office, I can just see grey. The buildings, the sky, all grey. And downstairs it's Arctic! The wind, channeled by the buildings in the CBD is not only ice cold, but it's strong. It makes me want to curl up into a little ball and jsut hide. Even though I was born in the dead of winter (my birthday is next Wednesday), I can honestly say that I am not a fan of this season.

Give me sunshine and warmth any day!