Monday Madness...

Back at work and it is madness.... Issues coming up left, right and centre. Luckily it has nothing to do with me and my job, but the atmosphere here is not good. Everyone is tense and I don't like it one bit. It just makes me want to curl up in my ball of sleepiness and stay there all day.

On Friday night I went to Dee's house. She had asked me to get some chips on my way there, so I stopped at the petrol station closest to her house. As I was leaving, I bumped into the ex. I really wasn't expecting that... Even though he lives in the complex next to Dee's. So yeah, he gave me a hug and a quick greeting. I was surprised, but ok in general. But I did end up having quite a late night. Perhaps it was a way to distract myself.

I had originally planned to go to Sandton on Saturday to shop for an outfit for our work dinner at the end of the month. But I didn't go because I had too much to do at home. Even after a very late night, I didn't get much sleep. And then I spent the day cleaning out my closet. A whole bunch of clothes to get rid of and then everything else. Let's just say that my clothes are pretty much all over the house today! Luckily the new closet is being put in today, so normality will return soon!

On Sunday I had a few more things to do and once that was done, I decided to go to the movies. I watched The Avengers. And I loved it!

So the ex wrote to me on Saturday night... I saw the email as I was going to bed but only replied this morning. He has quit his job and this is his final week there. No, he does not have a new job. He is going to "do his own thing" and not be a "corporate whore". Thise are his words. Oh well. All Ican say is that I'm glad I don't have to be there to deal with his shit! He also said that I looked good and that he was happy. Ugh, please!! It really annoys me how he will say that he's happy for me, that he still cares about me, blah, blah, blah.... All of this now, but no sign of ever even giving a fuck about me when we were together! Please.

Anyway, I replied, made some remark about how he has to work hard and whatnot. And then I went on about how awesome my life is, how happy I am, how well work is going.... Pretty much the exact opposite of his life. I just smile, laugh and shake my head a little when I think about his stupid, stupid choices.

Oh and on Friday night when I saw him, he was with a girl. Either this chick is a freakin' saint to put up with his shit, or she's stupid as mud. Part of me feels sorry for her, part of me thinks she's dumb. Whatever, I couldn't care less.

Ten Months

It has been ten months since the break-up and the miscarriage... Ten months since I felt as though my world had fallen apart.

I can honestly say that I'm better off now. I'm happier, I'm healthier, I'm calmer. Yes, I still have moments when the memory of the pain comes back to me and I feel it in all it's glory again, but those moments are few and far between. For the most part I am content with my life. It's not a very exciting life, but it's mine. All mine. I don't need to make excuses for him and his behaviour any more. I live strictly on my terms and that's cool. And yes, I do miss being in a relationship. I miss the companionship. But I'd rather be alone and happy than in a miserable relationship.

Sometimes I think about what I would be doing, how I would be feeling if I were with him still. I know that I would be miserable. I know that I would be broke. I know that I would be in a terrible place. That's what gets me through the bad days.... The thought that it could have all turned out a lot worse. Count my blessings? Yes. Every day!

So on Saturday I am going shopping in Sandton. I need an outfit for our formal HR dinner at the end of the month. I have just decided that I am going to spoil myself silly. I am going to buy myself a killer outfit for that dinner and... what the hell, I'll get a few more awesome goodies for every day as well. Yeah.

My back pain is getting better, It just hurts if I'm sitting or standing for too long, or if the bus driver decides to take a bump at high speed. Less painkillers means that I can get more work done! I spent yesterday at the office in a fuzzy haze. I couldn't concentrate at all! But today I haven't even taken anything yet, so I'm happy about that!

That Monday Feeling.... Again...

Yesterday was a public holiday. So today feels like a Monday.... Again. I don't enjoy feeling like this twice in one week!

My back pain is not getting any worse, but it's still very definitely there. I've gotten some good painkillers, so I'm just waiting for them to kick in. The bus ride to work is actually the worst, with the bus going so fast, hitting every bump on the road at full speed, making all the passengers bounce in their seats... Pain is certain.

Yesterday I went to the shops to find a dress for our formal dinner at our HR conference at the end of the month. What a freakin' disaster that was! There were very few formal clothes in the shops, and it was all ill-fitting. Ugh. So I reckon I am going to go to Sandton on Saturday morning. I'll get my dad to drop me off at the Gautrain station in Hatfield and then take the train to Sandton. I seriously need to find something there. Otherwise... I just don't know.

I had the ex on my mind all day yesterday and it put a huge cloud of gloom over my day. I don't know why, but there he was, in my head, all day. Ugh...

I'm not really in the mood to do anything today. I didn't sleep well on account of the back pain and now I'm getting extra drowsy from the painkillers. Yayness.

Long Weekend

I took the day off work on Thursday to attend the funeral of my friend's husband. It was so sad. She was devastated. I can't imagine going through that. In fact, I would rather go through all of my pain, ten times over, than have to go through even one second of her pain. I just pray that she finds the strength to carry on, to raise her two boys as best as she can, so that they can continue their father's legacy.

To try and cheer myself up on Thursday night, I went to Cafe Barcelona for the Bruce Springsteen tribute. It was tons of fun. I hung out with Jess and Jan and I saw some other old friends. It was good to be out amongst people from the old days, from before the ex. They have accepted me back into the fold without question or judgement and I love them for that. I got asked out on a date, which I politely refused. It was some guy that I had met at Runnings many years ago, but I had always thought he was gay... Ooops! But he was drunk and I don't do that any more. I also spoke with Bee... Her boyfriend plays in the ex's band. She asked if we had broken up, which I confirmed and she told me that I am looking really good now. She also told me that, according to her boyfriend, my ex is in some terrible depression and no one knows when they are going to play another gig. They haven't even had a practice since March! I told her that I have no idea what he's going through, and that I pretty much don't care. She loved it. I saw other ex-band members of the ex's and they were all very sweet to me. I like that.

On Friday afternoon, I went with my sister to her friend's house. She has a little boutique and she had just received new stock so we were all invited to shop and drink wine. I had a lovely time, and also bought myself a few goodies! It was very strange to see an ex-friend/new enemy there. She was part of the reason that my sister and I had fallen apart, she essentially stabbed me in the back. Then when she found out about the break-up, she was more interested in remaining friends with the ex, so that was really the end of that. So yeah, it was weird for a while, and then she left, thank goodness.

On Saturday, we had to do some shopping and then in the afternoon, my mom and I went to church. I like going to church. Especially the singing. And just the feeling that He's listening. I prayed a lot for my friend, so that God can give her strength.

On Sunday, my dad, sister and I went for a hike in the Magaliesberg, a place called Shelter Rock. It's about an hour away from Pretoria. The hike itself is up a mountain, not too difficult. It's about 8km's in total. Despite the fact that I'm extremely unfit, I went up that mountain relatively easily. As we started going down, however, I slipped on some loose rocks and fell on my bum. The rocks hurt my back quite a bit, just to the left of my spine. I was really shocked and burst into tears! But I got up, dusted myself off, wiped the tears from my face and made it down. Towards the end of it, I was in a ton of pain. Every step hurt, but all I wanted was to get to the car, so I kept a good pace. My dad was really impressed. The only other casualty was my shorts. With the fall, they tore. Had I not been wearing underwear, my bum would have been visible to all! Very embarrassing! When we got home, I took a nice shower and my mom helped me to put a pain relief plaster on my lower back. This morning, when I got dressed for work, I noticed that my bum-crack is bruised. Yeah. Looks really attractive!!! But despite that, I really enjoyed myself and I would like to do it again... Once I've healed!!!

Tomorrow is another public holiday, Workers' Day. I didn't take today off because of the funeral on Thursday. So I am sitting here, at the office, on my own. Yip. On my own. A few people are supposed to be here, but all the desks are empty. I may very possibly go home early today. It sucks not having anyone to talk to!

Tomorrow I am just going to take it easy. I am probably going to go through my closet and get rid of some more old clothes that I don't wear any more. I am getting a new closet put in next week Monday and I can't wait! I might also ask my dad to take me to the furniture store because I want to replace my chest of drawers. I'd like to see what they have.

Well, seeing as there is no one here today, I am also going to take the day "off". Except that I'll be here, at the office. What fun...

Interesting Article

I found an interesting article on Funny or Die.... 5 Things You Must Immediately Get Rid Of After A break-Up

Here's a sample:

1. Texts. Going through your texts to find the last time they said “I love you” is looking up at rock bottom.  Texts are actually the easiest item on this list of things to purge so get them out of the way and gain some momentum to make it through this stuff.  When you’ve cleared your sexts, change their contact name to something really mature, take a deep breath, and move on.
2. Their clothes. The offering of a drawer to a partner to keep their things in at your place is an exciting step for a couple.  Clearing it out at the end of the relationship is not.  Resist the urge to keep the contents of that drawer around, and return them to your former regular guest.  This is especially important if you ever drink alcohol.  You know it was true love when you come home wasted and put on her tank top and fall asleep sniffing it and sucking on her toothbrush.  I mean… I would imagine.
3. Pictures. The image of you two together is going to keep convincing your brain that you are.  Shut your stupid brain up by replacing every picture of your removed lover you have with money.  Just stuff the bills right into the frame.  Have you ever done it before?  Doesn’t it sound awesome?  It is.  You won’t be lonely anymore when you can see all the money you no longer waste on toilet paper and awful dates where you pretend to enjoy not wearing sweatpants and leaving your house.
4. Playlists. CDs and playlists of “this is our song!” songs can go even deeper than pictures for tricking you into thinking someone still loves you.  They don’t.  No amount of John Mayer or Jewel will change that.  Take this opportunity to replenish your iTunes with the stuff you used to listen to but stopped because they weren’t a fan.  I can’t believe you ever let them change who you are and what you listen to.  Fucking Jewel?  Seriously?  Why?  Delete it.
5. Their hair. It doesn’t have to be their hair; it could be a wrapper from their brand of gum or the receipt from a pregnancy test you bought together.  Traces of past relationships are everywhere, and you’ll know it the second you see one through the haze of tears.  Even inconspicuous pieces of garbage are sometimes responsible for reminiscing and can set your break up healing back weeks.  Clean everything.  Your bathroom, your car, your bedroom, everywhere.  I keep finding strands of my ex’s perfect hair in my bedroom.  Trust me, there is nothing sadder than contemplating collecting your ex’s left behind hairs and making a life-size replica of her with them that will still love you.

PMS Monster

It's been terrible this month.... The worst mood swings I've ever experienced. The weather isn't helping... It's cold, really cold and grey. I have had a headache for about 4 days straight and I am now getting really tired of it. My only comfort is sleep. I can't get enough.

I found out why the ex was having his little drama... First, one of his band members left his band. So it's all falling apart around him again. Apparently the reason behind it is the habits that they keep. Not good ones, obviously.

Also, his place was broken into on Saturday... Not really sure how it happened, as his flat is on the second floor. The only way they could have gotten in is through the front door.... Meaning that he left it unlocked. So, his fault, really.

So all his status updates were just a cry for attention.... Boo-hoo-hoo, look at me, my life sucks.

Yes, yes, it does and it's your own stupid fault.

I am going to my friend's husband's funeral tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it. But I have to be there.

Tomorrow night I am going to Cafe Barcelona for a Bruce Springsteen tribute. I'm going to need a happy vibe after the funeral.

My dad, sister and I might be going on a hike on Friday or Saturday. Should be fun.... Perhaps some sunshine and exercise will do me good. I feel as though I'm in a funk today.

For some reason, I am thinking a lot about my relationship.... Remembering things. It all happens very suddenly. I'll get a flash of a memory when I'm walking to the office or when I'm in the shower or watching tv... It disturbs me deeply. I don't like remembering - not the good times, not the bad times. I don't want to remember any of it. Perhaps it's because the cold weather reminds me of last year, when we broke up. And it's close to exactly a year since it all fell apart... I want it all to stop.

Weekendness

It was a rather interesting weekend....

I went to Steak and Ale to watch the Black Cat Bones on Friday night. It took me a while to decide what to do. Part of me wanted to just go home and go to sleep, but a bit of a party eventually won the battle! After a divine dinner with my folks at O'Galito's in Woodlands, I went off to Centurion to Steak and Ale. I met up with Jess and Jan and we had an awesome time. I got home just before 1am and slept!!!

As expected, I woke up with a bit of a hangover on Saturday morning. I almost think I'm starting to get too old for going out!!! Hectic headache and feeling like I'd picked up a spot of flu. And then as I'm browsing Facebook, I see that Steak and Ale, where I had been the previous evening, had burnt to the ground! I still have no idea as to what time it happened, but it must have been after they closed, so maybe 5 or 6 in the morning.

I did a spot of shopping on Saturday. I bought a new handbag, as well as a trolley bag for my laptop. I've gotten tired of lugging my stupid laptop around on public transport so now I have my little bag on wheels! Yay! I also bought some essentials... Socks, undies, gloves.... Nothing too exciting. But it was good.

I've been looking for new work pants but haven't been able to find the right length and the right size. On Sunday I was at Edgars in Woodlands Mall and I finally found the longer length pants. Happiness! Except that it now seems that I'm between sizes!! I'm either going to have to lose some weight or pick some up! Gah!

So on Sunday, I was driving from Woodlands to Lynwood Grove and who do I cross paths with? The ex.... driving in the opposite direction. It's so weird. It's like his car just stands out from all the others and I instantly know it's him. That kind of annoyed me. I had also seen one of out mutual friends comment on his status update which reads " Fuck it. I should have been born dead". Hmmm... And then later on Sunday afternoon, he writes "Give me one reason to live and I'll give you three to die". Which has gotten me thinking that he must be going through some depression or something. I know that I must not worry myself. I also know that I must not be happy that he's depressed. But I start to think back to our break-up and the things that were said. And I remember saying to him "Damn you. Damn you to hell". And I really meant it. I also wished that he would never find happiness. Ever. Could it be that my words did, in fact, have that much power? I don't know. Well, whatever he's going through at the moment, he will have to go through it on his own. I am not a part of his life any more, and even if my words are coming true, I know that I haven't done anything to make his life a misery. I have left it in the hands of fate. So we'll see what happens.

I am not going to be at work on Thursday. I am going to a funeral. One of my close friends from high school suffered a huge tragedy last week. Her husband was in a car accident and he passed away. She is completely devastated and I need to be there for my old friend. They were together since she was 16. That's more than half her life that she's had him in her life and now, just like that, he's gone. And they have two little boys that are now without a father. It's so sad and tragic. And so very unfair. As soon as I start believing in the goodness of God, soemthing like this happens and it makes me start doubting again. Why do good people have to suffer such tragedies?

Well. After the last two depressing paragraphs, I'm just going to stop writing for now.