2011 – A Year in Review

This is my personal retrospect on the year.

The year did not start off well. My father was very ill over the holidays and I was not able to go to Cape Town to be there. It caused a lot of problems with my family. I also experienced some home issues in the first week of the year with a geyser bursting in the ceiling and the water causing some extensive damage. Luckily that all got fixed rather quickly and without major hassle.

February was another bad month. My mom was very ill. She had septicaemia and was in ICU. The doctor that treated her said that she could have died. Even though my relationship with my parents had been rocky, I was devastated. Towards the end of February, I spent a few days in Cape Town to look after my mom. She was doing much better but still needed a lot of help. My dad went on a business trip to Germany to interview for a new job and I was there to look after my mom.

The next few months went by in a bit of a haze. My dad got the job that he had interviewed for and that meant that my parents were moving back to Pretoria. It made me very happy as we had reconnected a little due to my mom’s illness. The ex decided at some stage that we could no longer travel from Pretoria to Joburg every day so he said we had to find a place to move into as quickly as possible. We were very close to moving into a house with a co-worker of his, but I put my foot down, reminding him that he had always said that he didn’t want to share a place. The move didn’t happen, but he was not happy.

My parent moved back to Pretoria in the beginning of April. I saw them a few times and I always felt really refreshed and happy after the visits. Of course, the ex hated it and we would have a fight over something stupid. I wasn’t happy and it showed.

A few days before my birthday in June, I took a pregnancy test as I was late. It came back positive. I went to the doctor and took a blood test. That came back positive too. I didn’t know what to do. All I knew was that I had to tell him. That evening was one of the worst nights of my life. He wanted me to get an abortion. I said no. And then I threw some clothes in a bag and spent three nights at my parents’ house.  I spent my birthday with him, believing his promise that we would talk. That never happened. Instead, five days after my birthday, a huge fight broke out and it ended with me going to the flat that we shared with my dad, taking some more clothes and my cats out of there and moving back home for good. I can’t go into too much of the detail. Even though it has been over 5 months, the details of the break-up still leave a bad taste in my mouth.

July started with me moving out of the flat I shared with the ex. Our relationship was over. And then I lost my baby. I was devastated. I spent most of that month on sick leave, spending my days at home, crying and depressed. When I eventually got back to work, I contacted our Wellness department and started seeing a psychologist to help me deal with things. My sessions with her helped me so much. During August and part of September, I truly believed that we could fix our relationship. I would see him occasionally and I told him that I wanted us to get back together and fix things. I never got anything in return. He was fine to have me over whenever it suited him, to try get me back into bed (thank goodness I was strong in that sense) and to leave me hanging. Eventually, I gave up and I made plans to move the rest of my furniture out of the flat that I no longer felt was mine.

October 2011... I started that month with moving my things out of the flat and into storage. It was dramatic and emotional. It was also the last time I saw the ex. I felt so numb afterwards. Again, I don’t want to go into details. It’s all documented here.  Since then, I have been finding myself. I have been truly free of him. I know that I left the relationship in order to protect my baby. Even though she is no longer with me, I think she served her purpose.... To get me away from a relationship that was sick and dangerous. I will meet my little angel one day when I am very old, and I will thank her. She saved my life.

The last few months, I have had some fleeting communication with the ex, but I have not seen him. I wanted to return some things of his that I had accidentally taken while he tried to get together for a drink and smoke. It’s never happened. I unfriended him on Facebook, blocked him on Twitter and deleted every email he had ever sent me. I removed all his photos from my cell phone and my computer. It’s as though he never existed. I have a small bag of things that belong to him. I have no longer feel the need to get those things to him personally and the plan is to make a package out of them and leave them with security at his complex. I don’t want any traces of him and my time with him when 2012 rolls around.

My relationship with my parents is better. They took me in when I had nowhere else to go and they have supported me and stood by me in my darkest hours. I owe them my life. I realised not so long ago that I don’t have very many friends left and I am starting to make new ones (or re-connect with very old friends). I was in hiding for a very long time, and I am finally feeling more confident and now I’m going out a little.

My health is improving. I was very thin and sickly when I was with him. Now I am looking and feeling healthier (and a little heavier!) My confidence is showing more and more every day. I am becoming more and more of the person I remember being before he came into my life. And for the first time in years, I am spoiling myself. I buy clothes and shoes and whatever I see in the shops that I want. I am spending money on me and I’m loving it.

My outlook on life is improving too. I was depressed. I thought that my life was over and some small part of me wanted to give up and die. But I didn’t give up. And for the first time in probably over a year, I feel happy. I feel happy in the simplest of terms. I am happy because I am free. I am happy because I didn’t give up. I am happy because I’m alive. I still believe in romance. I still believe that I will meet a wonderful man who will love me for me. I believe that he is out there, looking for me and that he will fight for me. I believe that he will sweep me off my feet and that he will show me that all men are not made the same.

So, my year was traumatic to say the least. There were a lot of moments where I thought I couldn’t go on. But I persevered. And I’m winning. I can honestly say that I’ve learned a huge lesson this year. It wasn’t an easy one. And I know that I won’t make the same mistake again. I plan on shedding all the negative energy that 2011 has given me so that I can start 2012 on a positive, happy and healthy note.

I’ve been to hell.

I’ve come back.

There’s no stopping me now.