Closure...

I met with the ex last night. It was not something I wanted to do. It was something I needed to do to get the closure I so needed.

I asked him why he had emailed me and I told him that even though I accept his apology (in general), it’s come a little too late and that there are certain things that I will never forgive him for. I told him that I blamed him, in part, for the miscarriage. And that I would never stop blaming him for abandoning his child, and even though I can forgive him for abandoning me, I would never forget it. I told him that before that email, I was doing fine and that it had dragged up so many feelings that I had already dealt with.

He just sat there and took all of it.

I would have carried on, but I told him that there was no point because I had dealt with those feeling months ago, on my own. I kept stressing that I dealt with so much ON MY OWN. He told me that if I ever want to shout at him for what had happened, he would take it because he deserved it all. I told him that I didn’t want to shout at him, that I had cried enough tears over him and that I was done with that and with him. I told him that it was highly unlikely that I would ever see him again because I don’t want to drag up all of those feelings any more. I told him that I wanted a life where I was indifferent to him, where I didn’t care how he was, where he was or what he was doing. I told him that he doesn’t deserve my hatred... I don’t want him in my head any more. And for me to truly and honestly not care about him, I can’t hate him. Hating him means that I still have feelings for him.

In his email he had said that I was, and always would be, important to him but I said that I had never felt important, that I had made him my priority and that I had never felt as though I was his priority. I told him that I was concentrating on living my life without him, that what we had and what happened was a lesson that I learnt ON MY OWN.

I guess he wants to feel bad about what happened because he kept saying that he deserved to hear what I had told him, that he deserved to be hurt by my words. If that’s his way with dealing with things, fine, but he mustn’t expect me to feed his need.

Then, when I got home, he sent me the following sms: “I’m not worthy of even your vilest blackest hate. Thank you for being so unexpectedly civil. If anything it drives home the insurmountable scale of my loss due to my unforgivable selfishness”

I didn’t reply. He doesn’t deserve any more of my time.