Feeling Better...

Last night was a bad night. My three most painful memories all hit me at the same time and it was not pretty. All three memories take place within the first week of each month, and yesterday, being November 1st, they all came tumbling down on me in one fell swoop. I cried a lot. I cursed God. I cursed him. It was ugly and horrible. But this morning I am feeling better.

I am somewhat torn at the moment. I want to call the Advocate. But all the self-help women's books say that the guy must call the woman. Thing is, I hate waiting. I like to be in control. I am uncomfortable sitting around waiting for the phone to ring. I've managed to distract myself somewhat with work, but when I have quiet moments, all I want to do is pick up the phone and call. I honestly don't know what to do.

I sent him an email last Tuesday, to let him know about the things of his that I found in my stuff. I had practically given up on a reply, but this morning when I checked my mail, there it was. The reply. Some stupid excuse about not seeing the mail, obviously to try and show how busy and important he is. He says he'll be in touch, that he'll let me know. Whatever. I will not reply to that. And if I'm busy, then tough. I will not make him a priority again. Whatever happens, happens.

My mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told her I wanted a tattoo. She didn't seem impressed. And then I told her I wanted a small tattoo with two dates: 1 April 2009 and 6 July 2011. Immediately she knew what they meant and she went very quiet. Fuck sakes, it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I want nothing else. Just that.

Today I just need to complete my reports on all the material I read and I will have that done relatively soon. After that, I will take a break. And then tomorrow, I dive head-first into completely my programme. It's going to be a lot of work. But it's going to be worth it. At the end of the month, I'll be in Olwazini practically for two weeks back-to-back. Hectic and awesome at the same time. I can't wait.

For now, I just need to forge ahead.