I ended my day yesterday feeling rather bad. I wanted to see the Advocate and instead of waiting for him to call me, I sent him a message asking him if he wanted to have a drink after work. He said that he couldn't because he had his daughter with him. It made me feel bad. It made me feel rejected. I was consoled by Zee who said that it's normal to feel this way, but that I shouldn't feel rejected by him. Here's the thing, the ex hurt me. He hurt me badly and my ego has been badly bruised. At the moment I need to feel better about myself as a woman. I need to feel desired and I know that I would get that from the Advocate. However, the Advocate has other responsibilities (his daughter) and he told me that he wants to take it slow. That's actually a good thing because he is preventing me from making him my rebound guy. I actually really appreciate that. I like him and I think that there could be a future with him. I don't want to mess it up. I am, by nature, very impatient. I hate waiting. I hate waiting for the bus, I hate waiting for the lift, I hate waiting for the end of the week, I hate waiting for people to call. If I were able to have my way, I would rush into things with the Advocate and most likely end up losing him. So yes, I'm glad that he's recognised my impatience and that he's forcing me to slow down.
So yes, due to my shitty feelings yesterday afternoon, I ended up with the beginnings of a migraine. I was in bed by 8pm. At one stage all my kitties were on the bed with me, keeoing me company because they knew I wasn't feeling well.
And then I had the strangest dream. It featured the ex. It the first time that he's been in my dreams. I was at Dee's house, she was hosting a Christmas party. The ex was there too (altough I know that she would never do that to me). Anyway, in my dream, I was trying to be polite to him. I tried to talk to him about us and he was in a miserable mood. He was drinking a lot and he said that he was going to take acid. I got angry and shouted at him, saying that it was so typical of him to avoid his issues by drinking and taking drugs all the time. He kept running away. I hit him with a bunch of flowers I was holding. I wanted to hit him more but I couldn't catch up to him. Then I called my parents to come and fetch me, to take me away from him. In my dreams I am also car-less. He was there and he said that it was typical of me to run away to Mommy and Daddy when things got difficult. And I got angry again. I told him that I needed to be with the people who love me. I told him that he didn't love me, that he never did.
And then I woke up.
I was freaked out by the dream. But then I started thinking about it and what it means. Here is my theory... I know that I am going to see him again and that I am going to try get some closure from him. But this dream is telling me not to expect him to have changed. The dream is telling me that he has not changed at all and that all I will end up with is frustration and anger. He hasn't changed. He is still avoiding the issues he has in his life by drinking and taking drugs so that he doesn't have to think about it. And it's telling me that it's ok to surround myself with the people that truly care about me.
So there we go. I think that the dream told me that I need to move on with my life. I can't expect people to give me the things that I need so I must leave them in my past and make sure that the people in my present are good for me.
Yes.
It's weird. Even though I was visibly shaken up this morning, I am now feeling calm and relaxed. I am feeling more patient. I am feeling more content. Everything will be fine. I will be fine. Sure, I slip up every once in a while and the monster in me tries to escape but I'm working at taming that monster. I'm teaching the monster to chill the fuck out.
Baby steps.
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