What I'm Reading...

I am Ozzy by John Michael Osbourne (that's Ozzy Osbourne to you)

Weekend Plans...

Friday is finally upon us!

It has felt like such a long week and I am so ready for some rest and relaxation!

I plan on staying home the entire weekend. I want to clean my room, do my hair and just relax. I want to sleep as much as I possibly can.

If I can acheive all of these things, it will be a truly successful weekend.

It's Happening...

My life is finally starting to work out the way I need it to. We were told of our out-of-cycle increases today, which will come into effect this coming payday. With this increase, I will start saving money every month in order to put down a deposit on a car. I plan on having a car by March or April of next year. Then after that, I will be saving some more money in order to get my own flat. Also, I will need to buy a few things for my flat, like curtains, a fridge, a TV and a couch. I would like to be moving in April of the following year.

It has taken me a year to heal from the events of last year. In the last few months, I have been making plans as to how I am going to go about in rebuilding my life, in replacing the possessions I lost, like my car and my home. Now I finally have a timeline.

I am happy.

A New Favourite Website

I like this website because it is about New York City and what people read when they are on the trains. It's a good place to get ideas on what to read!

Underground New York Public Library

Things Are Happening...

There are tears at the office today. Not mine. The "bad apple" here at the office was crying earlier. There has been talk that she is on her way out. I am trying to stay away from the drama, even though I would like to know what's going on. But I will be strong and stay away.

I have started on a healthy eating spree. It's for a number of reasons... First is that I want to lose a bit of weight. Next, I want to save a bit of money. And thirdly, I am so bored of all the food choices I have around me at the office. So I am packing a healthy lunch every day. Today I have some chicken, some Pro-Vita's, some cheese, fruit and a yoghurt. So far, so good!

I woke up at three this morning to the sounds of cats fighting. Even my cats were upset by it. They were on the window sill, growling softly while all the commotion was happening outside. I looked out the window but couldn't see anything. And then obviously, it took me a long time to get back to sleep! When I finally got up for work this morning, I was convinced it was Friday. It was very disappointing to find out that it's only Thursday!

What I'm Reading....

I started it a while ago, read the first chapter and left it. Now I've started it again and am loving it!

The Reader by Bernhard Schlink

A New Day...

The best part of Monday was falling into my bed and drifting off to a wonderful, restful sleep. I woke up feeling like a new person, ready to take on the day.

My boss is going to be here from Durban today and tomorrow and I am really looking forward to seeing him. I like my boss!

I also got the results of my Assessor and Moderator course. I still have to submit some extra work, but I'm sure that it will all be ok once I've submitted that. Let's hope so!

Zombies, Rock Stars, Strippers and the British...

I slept really badly last night. I had a very long, very complicated dream about a zombie outbreak. I would wake up from the dream, calm myself down and then go back to sleep, only for the dream to continue. In my dream I was running a lot. My calves are now aching. My entire body hurts, as though I had run a marathon. The dream was set at Camp Mason, where I spent two summers working. It was all exactly the same, except for the expolding cars, burning buildings and the zombies trying to eat me.

Needless to say, I do not feel as though I got enough rest. I am rather exhausted at the moment, wishing that I could go home, get back into bed and sleep a zombie-free sleep.

Yesterday afternoon, I went to the movies with my sister. We went to watch Rock of Ages. Despite the mostly negative reviews, I enjoyed it. It had some of my favourite songs in it, the acting was really not that bad and it has a baboon wearing a general's uniform. I have to admit that the baboon was my favourite part!

My sister and I already have another movie night planned. We are going to watch Magic Mike at the end of the month. And I can't wait!!!

When I got home after the movie, I had just enough time to pour myself a little drink and then I settled in to watch the first episode of the second season of Downton Abbey.... I love that show. It's so very British!

Saturday was a very chilled day for me. I had stayed over at Miss Dee's house after the PJ Powers show. I got dropped off at home just before noon. I took an awesome shower and then decided to watch tv, except there was nothing good on, so I watched Edward Scissorhands for the first time ever. My sister have given me the dvd for my birthday. I loved it. What a beautiful movie! It was the first Johnny Depp/Tim Burton work and it's so simple and easy. It's got non of the madness of later collaorations. It's just a genuinely sweet movie.

As usual, the weekend felt way too short for my liking. One more day would have been ideal, but we can't all have what we want.

Celebrity Moment!

On Friday night, I went to Stone Cradle with Miss Dee to watch PJ Powers. What an amazing woman!

Today...

Yesterday brought a flood of tears. I managed to avoid most people yesterday and it was better that way.

Today I am feeling a lot better. It's Friday, the weekend is in sight.

Yes, it is a better day. It will be even better when it's over.

In Remembrance....

As long as I live, you will live

As long as I live, you will be remembered

As long as I live, you will be loved

An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth, then whispered as she closed the book "Too beautiful for earth"

Loved with a love beyond telling

Missed with a grief beyond tears

To remember is painful

To forget is impossible

I loved you from your first day and I will love you until my last. Keep a place in Heaven for Mommy, my little angel. We will meet there one day. I love you. I miss you. I will never forget you.

Stay Away...

It would be in the best interests of everyone around me to stay as far away from me as possible today. I feel like a ticking time-bomb, seconds away from detonating.

I do not want to do anything. I don't want to be here today, I don't want to have to deal with anyone's shit. I don't want to have to put a smile on my face and pretend that everything is fine. If anyone pushes me today, in the slightest, I will bite, and I will bite hard. Perhaps I will regret it tomorrow, perhaps not. Today there are no guarantees.

Everything irritates me today. The sound of people's voices, transportation - cars, buses, trains, the fact that the office is too warm while it's too cold outside. I'm irritated by the fact that a woman bumped into me and almost made me spill the cappuccino I bought to try cheer myself up. I'm irritated because that cappuccino wasn't nearly hot enough. I'm irritated at that woman at work who makes trouble for everyone. I'm irritated that she sighs to much. I'm irritated with my work friend, who constantly asks me stupid questions. I'm irritated at the surly girl at the office who doesn't even greet people - I may be pissed off today, but at least I still have my manners. I'm irritated at the fact that most days on the train, I just want to be alone and that people that work in my building come and talk to me. I'm irritated because I don't want to be at work. I'm irritated that even a year on, I am still crying, I am still hurting. I'm irritated because people expect me to be ok, I expect me to be ok and I'm not.

Grumpy...

I have been having a grumpy day. Everything and everyone has annoyed me today. I just need to go home and get away from all these stress factors. I have had enough of today.

Forgiveness...

I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness the last few days. In the last year, I have done a lot of soul-searching and have forgiven God and, for the most part, myself for everything that happened. I feel that I need to forgive the ex for the part that he has played. I need to forgive him, and I need to tell him that I forgive him.

The problem that I am facing is that, knowing him, I know that he feels no remorse for his part in everything that happened. I am certain that he feels as though he was the victim in all of this, which means that I would have to apologise for my part in everything that happened. Am I really ready to do that? I don't know.

I know that once all has been forgiven and once I have apologised, I will be able to move forward with my life.

And so I will continue to think about forgiveness. I will continue to battle with myself and with my perception of him. And I will see what conclusion I come to.

Tattoos of Memories...

On Saturday morning, Dee came to my house to fetch me and she took me to Chapman's Art Emporium to get my tattoo done. I was extremely nervous but I was very lucky to have Dee there to hold my hand through it all. It wasn't very painful, just the part where the tattoo goes on the slightly flabbier part of my arm... That hurt a bit and I could feel the vibrations from the needle even into my chest. Royston, the artist, was extremely good. He added a bit of extras and now it's amazing.

I have been looking after it nicely, giving it air, cleaning it regularly and applying the cream. It's already started scabbing and it's itching like mad today!! But no scratching!!!

The dates are so very important to me. The are the dates of my two miscarriages. I have been wanting this tattoo for months now, but I'm glad I waited until now. Yes, I still feel kind of emotional when I look at it, at least it's not too bad. I told my parents about the tattoo on Sunday morning. They weren't all that thrilled, but there's really not much they can do about it. The one thing my dad said is that he thinks it's too big. Well, I think it's just fine the way it is. I like it a lot.

Sunday was the one year anniversary of the break up and I was a little emotional about it. But I'm ok now. Hell, I've survived for a year, I'm sure it'll get even easier as more and more time goes by!