Friday Fury

Today ws not a good day, ruined by him, of course. I need to stop giving him the power to affect me like this. I heard an old Latin term on the radio... Persona Non Grata. It literally means "an unwelcome person". Sounds a lot classier than saying "You fucking piece of shit, get the fuck out of my life". Right?

I need to find some meditation, some chant, something that will empower me and give me strength and connect me to my inner goddess. Yes, I know, hippie-talk. I'm being influenced by Eat, Pray, Love. I can relate to so many things in that book. A search for pleasure, a search for spirituality and a search for love. Isn't that what we're all looking for?

There's a storm coming tonight. The skies are dark, the wind is mad and smells like the ocean. I feel so connected to that energy. It's almost as thought the anger and violence of that storm is coming from me. The more I think about the events of today, the angrier I get. And the angrier I get, the more intense the coming of the storm. It's so strange.

Enough

I tried to be polite and civil towards him.

I tried to work things out.

I tried to remain calm.

Yet he started playing dirty.

He started throwing accusations around.

He has hurt me more than I have ever been hurt in my life.

I am finished.

I am finished with him forever.

I do not have the energy to fight any more.

It is over.

There is no hope.

I will never see him again and I will never speak to him again.

We will not be able to be friends.

He has broken me and I hate him for that.

I need to build myself up again.

I need to recover.

I need to start over.

I have had enough.

Friday Flow Chart

I Knew It...

People find pleasure in admitting that they know someone else so well that they can predict what they will say and do in any situation. I, on the other hand, have tried to use it as a defence mechanism. Yet, despite that, I still find myself getting upset when people act exactly as I predicted they would.

I had a strong feeling that he would cancel tonight's plans.

I was right.

I sent him an sms to confirm the plan for tonight and to ask what time I should go over there. He replied saying it was still on and to go over at 8:30. I replied saying it was a bit late, how about 7:00 or 7:30. He said he would meet me halfway and I should go over there at 8:00. I replied to say that it was cool and that I would see him then. Three minutes later he sends me an sms saying that we should rather leave it until next week as it was too complicated. My reply was something to the effect that I had made plans and had arranged transport and help for this coming Saturday and that I was going over there on Saturday as planned to do what I needed to do. Obviously, I have yet to receive a reply to that.

I have just sent him an email saying that I don't know what's going with him and that I don't know why he's trying to postpone the inevitable. I again stated that I would be going over there on Saturday to get the rest of my belongings out of there for once and for all.

This has gone on for long enough. I have given him the benefit of the doubt over and over again and I am now tired. I am tired of waiting for him. I am tired of putting my life on hold for him. He has told me that our relationship will never be the same again. I have realised that on my own too. So why drag it out? Why make the pain go on for even a day longer than what it has to? This is not something I WANT to do. This is something I HAVE to do. It is essential to me and my healing. I have been patient. I have given him chances. But I can't do it any more. Even Patience has an expiration date and mine has been reached.

Now all I will wait for is his reply. If he decides to reply. It will not be unexpected if he decides to hide from this and to distract himself and pretend that none of this has happened.

I'm sorry for being a realist. I'm sorry for needing to move on. I'm sorry for putting myself first in this matter. IT's what I need to do to ensure that I am the best version of me that I can possibly be. I no longer want to be defined as an extension of him. I am my own person. I lost my way when I was with him, but I am longer with him so I need to find myself again. And I have been doing that just fine, all on my own.

The one thing that I'm really pissed off about is the fact that I actually had a really good day today. Unproductive, but good. It was such a good day, in fact, that I didn't even feel too stressed about going over there tonight. And then he went and shat all over that good feeling. It's the very last time I will allow him to fuck up a good day for me. The very fucking last time.

I swear to the gods, I will break his fucking door down on Saturday if he does not let me in to get my things. I will fucking call the cops if I have to. I know many, many lawyers who will make his fucking life HELL on earth if he does not let me get my things and move on with my life!!!! It's not the route that I want to take, but I will do it if I am pushed. They always say that an animal that is backed into a corner will act out of character.... The same goes for me. I will do things that not even I had thought possible if MY wellbeing is compromised.

And that is all I am going to say about that.

Thank you.

Playing the Waiting Game... It's Getting Old Now

So I'm supposed to go over to the flat tonight because he suggested it. He said we could go through the stuff in the kitchen together. I replied that it was a good idea (because it was) and I even sent an email to him this morning asking if it was still on. No reply on both counts.

I'm waiting for him to cancel on me.

Again.

If he does, I will just have to do it on Saturday morning.

And I may very possibly be very noisy.

And I may accidentally take something that doesn't belong to me.

Or perhaps even break something because I'm so clumsy, you see.

Just saying.

Serenity Prayer

I Will Survive.... I Have Survived!!!

This morning I came to realise that I am fucking awesome... I've always said it of myself but for the first time, I am actually starting to believe it. I have been thinking back to the things that have happened to me in the last year. Firstly, one year ago today, he got into an accident and destroyed my car. Over Christmas, I had a lot of issues with my family and both my parents were gravely ill. And then the ball dropped in the most hectic way three months ago.

If I look back at the last three months, I never thought I would be where I am today. I thought I was broken beyond repair. I thought I had lost everything. Now, I am stronger than I ever thought I would be. Yes, I still hurt and cry but those days are further and further apart. I still feel lonely but I am ok with that. I am getting used to being alone. And I'm not alone in a bad way. I realise that I am re-finding myself. I lost myself with him. I tried to be what he wanted me to be. I gave him everything, expecting nothing in return. And that's exactly what I got. Now I am able to make my own choices. I am discovering who I am and what I want from life on my own terms.

I still have feelings for him. Most of those feelings are anger and disappointment. I still care about him but I try not to allow that to overwhelm me. Just as I have had to deal with so many things on my own in the last three months, he will have to do the same when he finally stops trying to distract himself from going through it. I wanted to be there for him for that difficult time, but I had to go through it on my own and he must do the same. I know that my relationship with him is over. If we remain friends, it will be a lot. At the moment, I can't be friends with him. The emotions are still too close to me to be able to put them to one side. I am an emotional being. My emotions rule my actions. It hasn't been easy to take my emotions out of the interactions with him and sometimes, those emotions still come through. But Time is a wonderful teacher, a patient one, and I am a willing student.

It's strange. I actually feel so Zen. I no longer feel like I want to change things and control them. I am now able to put Fate into play, let things happen as they will. Losing control is no longer scary. I've actually realised that I never had control anyway, although I bravely and stupidly thought I did. But no, I have no control over the big things in life. All I can control is my reactions to these life-changing events.

For the first time, I feel at peace.

50 Life Lessons - Regina Brett

1. 
Life isn't fair, but it's still good.


2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.


4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.


5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.


7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.


9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.


10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.


12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.


13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.


15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.


16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.


18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.


20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.


22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.


23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.


24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"


27. Always choose life.


28. Forgive everyone everything.


29. What other people think of you is none of your business.


30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.


31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.


36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.


40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.


41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.


42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.


43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.


44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.


45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.


47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.


48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.


50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift...

Are You Happy?

Back at Work

I am back at work today. I'm not feeling 100% but I am definately feeling better than what I did yesterday.

I got a reply from him regarding the reminder I sent him on Monday about my "Big Move" on Saturday. He suggested that I go over there on Thursday to go throught the kitchen stuff with him. I guess it's a good idea. At least it will make my mission there on Saturday a lot shorter. I don't want to have to be there for any longer than is absolutely necessary. It will also give me a chance to try ensure that the flat is in some kind of presentable state for Saturday. Plus I can also ensure that I get everything that belongs to me. I am already psyching myself for tomorrow. It is not a social visit and I will not be taking any beers or other beverages with me. Nor will I be inclined to take part in any firendly chit-chat. I am going there with a single purpose and that is all. If, by some miracle, he wants to tell me how he feels about all of this, I let him speak his mind. However, there is very little that will change my mind. Any promises he makes will be taken with a kilo of salt. He has made many promises in the past and he has acted on none of them.

This whole thing has had me in a bad state. I'm feeling physically sick at the thought of going through with this. This is not what I had originally wanted and if he had only given me some hope three months ago, I would not be in this situation today. But here I am. And have to deal with it now. And it's fine. I can handle it. Fuck, I can handle anything.

I am reading Eat, Pray, Love. There are certain things that she says in the book that I can totally relate to. Freaky.

Migraines and IBS - A Wonderful Combination

I've had a migraine since yesterday, this time coupled with a bout of IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). Yeah, it's been awesome. I left work early yesterday and didn't even bother going into the office today. When I woke up this morning, it felt as though there was a ten ton concrete ball in my head, covered with spikes that hurt my brain any time I moved. There was so much pain going on that I could barely stand. My folks took one look at me and told me to stay home. So I listened to Mommy and Daddy and did just that. For breakfast I had a handful of pain pills and then went back to sleep. It helped but I still feel somewhat fragile. Not to mention the IBS. My digestion has been up to shit today - excuse the pun. And I realise that it's all stress-related. I've had the "Big Move" on my mind ad it's seriously affecting me. I just want to get it over and done with so that I can move on with my life. I mean, I don't want to go over there, I don't want to move my stuff out, but I have to. Every time I go there I feel like shit. So if I no longer have to go there, I am hoping that I will stop feeling like shit.

Ok, I am now going to try eat something and hope that it stays in my system long enough for my body to actually benefit from it. Fuck you, IBS. Fuck you.

Migraine Central

I went home at lunch time today. I had the begginnings of a migraine and it was not good. I took my pain pills and went to bed as soon as I got home. Slept for a few hours and woke up feeling less fragile. The pain in my head hasn't completely gone away, but I'm feeling a lot more human than what I did this afternoon. I'll just have to take another dose of pain pills before going to bed and I'm sure I'll be fine tomorrow.

A Piece of Advice

What a Weekend!

This weekend was awesome!!! Dee and I had an awesome sushi dinner on Saturday night followed by some delicious dessert and lots and lots and lots of wine! And yes, there was a pyjama party. With cheesy, girly music and attempted karaoke. It was tons of fun. The Sunday we watched movies. Lots of them. I only got home last night with enough time to take a lovely bath before watching Eat, Pray, Love on M-Net. That was an awesome movie.

This morning I'm still feeling the effects of the weekend. I'm pretty tired and I wish I could have had an extra day to sleep!!

This weekend is the "Big Move" and I'm not looking forward to it. I haven't heard from him since we had our little email fight early last week. That's right. He has not contacted me to make plans for drinks so we can talk. No surpirse there. Unfortunately I am going to have to contact him today to remind him that I will be going over there on Saturday. Also not looking forward to that.

Ok, I'm going to get started with my day... A slow start, but a start in any case....

Friday Funny

33 Ways to Stay Creative

Finally Friday

It's been a long, hectic week... I'm so glad it's Friday!

I've been a little annoyed with everyone since yesterday. No major drama, just annoyed and feeling out of sorts with the world. I'm hoping that the weekend will fix all that.

Still no call from him to meet up for drinks and to talk. I knew it. He's the kind of guy that will say all the right things but never actually follows through with anything. I'm so done with all of the bullshit.

Now I just need to get through today...

Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush - Don't Give Up

in this proud land we grew up strong
we were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail

no fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
I've changed my face, I've changed my name
but no one wants you when you lose

don't give up
'cos you have friends
don't give up
you're not beaten yet
don't give up
I know you can make it good

though I saw it all around
never thought I could be affected
thought that we'd be the last to go
it is so strange the way things turn

drove the night toward my home
the place that I was born, on the lakeside
as daylight broke, I saw the earth
the trees had burned down to the ground

don't give up
you still have us
don't give up
we don't need much of anything
don't give up
'cause somewhere there's a place
where we belong

rest your head
you worry too much
it's going to be alright
when times get rough
you can fall back on us
don't give up
please don't give up

'got to walk out of here
I can't take anymore
going to stand on that bridge
keep my eyes down below
whatever may come
and whatever may go
that river's flowing
that river's flowing

moved on to another town
tried hard to settle down
for every job, so many men
so many men no-one needs

don't give up
'cause you have friends
don't give up
you're not the only one
don't give up
no reason to be ashamed
don't give up
you still have us
don't give up now
we're proud of who you are
don't give up
you know it's never been easy
don't give up
'cause I believe there's the a place
there's a place where we belong

Rugby Commentary - Duchess Style!

My friend Kerry in England couldn't watch the game this morning and asked me to keep her updated via Facebook. And so I did. It was fun. Even got a couple of comments saying that I should be the chick rugby commentator on Twitter! Ha ha ha!!! I know just about nothing about rugby!!!

Now I'm deciding what to have for lunch. The amount of concentration I had to put into the last 80 minutes was rather draining and my body is screaming for food.... But what???

Another Day

Last night it hit me.... I would have been 17 weeks along. It's made me a little sad today. Not ugly sad, just quiet, contemplative sad. It would have been nice.

He told me the other day that he wanted to meet me for drinks so we could talk. I didn't really see the point because my feelings for him have changed so drastically in the last few months. But I am willing to give him the opportunity to have his say. Of course he won't follow through and make plans to see me. I know he won't. Just another disappointment in a long tradition of disappointments. Unless, of course, he needs to borrow money. Then he'll call. And then it will be my turn to disappoint him.

Rugby today... We've been told that no work will be taking place during the match. Some of our staff are shouters. That's fine. I'd pretty much already written today off. Besides, I'd rather be forced to watch rugby than have to work.

Mid-week Words of Wisdom

Calm Waters

After yesterday's emotional outburst, I am feeling a lot calmer today.

Here is the thing... I am going through the grieving process. Most people dealing with grief are only grieving the loss of one thing. I am grieving the loss of two: my relationship and my baby. So every stage I go through is a lot more intense than anything has ever experienced.

I am going through the "Anger" stage, with a touch of depression thrown in for good measure. I think this will be the toughest to get through. I have a lot to be angry about. What many people do not understand is that my anger is not directed at them specifically. I am angry and everyone and everything around me. I have to feel these feelings and express them. If I don't, they will build up inside of me and make me sick.

So that's the way it will be. That's the way it has to be.

People who are offended by me and my anger will either run away or try to fight me. Both will lose. Those that understand will allow me to vent and will end up with a stronger me as a friend.

Here is the link for the Kubler-Ross Model, which explains the stages of grief. Reading will help understand me and my outbursts a lot better.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

Anger. Pain. More Anger. More Pain.

I don't know if I can get through today. Just had a nasty backwards and forwards with him. And it seems to have ended the way everything ends with him lately... No response from his side.

I'm tired. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling alone. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of feeling like shit every day. I'm tired of pretending, even for a second, that I'm not hurting every single day of my miserable life. I hate everything and I hate everyone. I'm so angry at everyone around me. I wish I could hide, forget about the world. I want to hide and hate everything and cry and be angry and throw a fucking temper tantrum without having having anyone judge me and tell me to stop crying and tell me that I'll be ok.

I AM NOT OK!!!!!!

I AM A FUCKING MESS!!!!

I hate being told to calm the fuck down. No one understands that I have lost EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!

He doesn't want me. My own mother hates me. I lost my baby!!!!!!

What the fuck else am I supposed to feel?

Am I supposed to paint a fucking smile on my face and pretend that it doesn't hurt? I can't!!! I am hurting EVERY DAY!!!!!

I wish I could stop hurting!!!!! I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!

Everlast - Broken

You're the air that I breathe
The sun when it breaks through the clouds
You're all that I need
But I know that you're having some doubts
I'm down on my knees
I pray you'll stick this out
Beggin' you please girl
I'm sorry I let you down

I'm broken like a promise
I'm shattered like a dream
I'm broken with all my pieces scattered 'round for you to see
I'm broken like record
I sing the same old song
I'm broken like the heart of a man that's run away from love too long
Girl what about you
What about you girl

It's so hard to speak
I can barely look you in the eye
It's so hard to breathe
I know I ain't afraid to die
Your breath is so sweet
Your kisses could get me high
My heart is so weak
But your loving could get me by

I'm broken like a promise
I'm shattered like a dream
I'm broken with all my pieces scattered 'round for you to see
I'm broken like record
I sing the same old song
I'm broken like the heart of a man that's run away from love too long
Girl what about you
What about you girl

I'm broken like a promise
I'm shattered like a dream
I'm broken with all my pieces scattered 'round for you to see
I'm broken like record
I sing the same old song
I'm broken like the heart of a man that's run away from love too long
Girl what about you
What about you girl
Girl what about you
What about you girl
Girl what about you

Adele - Someone Like You

I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday it was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over, yeah.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

Feeling F.I.N.E

That means:

Fucked Up

Insecure

Neurotic

Emotional

Despite my best intentions, I'm not having a good day. I have too many emotions going on today. I've been told that if I didn't feel anything, I wouldn't be human. I'd like to be a little less human, thank you very much.

Part of me has been expecting some form of communication from him, an email or something to show me that he gives a shit. I know I shouldn't expect anything, but a habit is a difficult thing to break. I hate the fact that I believe in people, that I expect people to do things that they are not willing or ready to do. He has put up a few comments which may or may not be directed at me. I don't know. I'm too tired to get involved in a battle of status updates and tweets. My heart hurts. I didn't want things to turn out this way, but I'm so tired of waiting, so tired of having my hopes dashed and of having my heart broken each time. And the really sad thing is that, despite being given a fair chance, he has done nothing, not one fucking thing, to show me or tell me what he wants. Perhaps he sees my giving up on him as me being spiteful and passive aggressive. It's actually just a fact of me being tired of banging my head against a brick wall. It's me being tired of searching for something within him that simply isn't there. The condoms and deodorant that I saw at the flat.... That means he's moving on. Without me. And so quickly. It makes me wonder if he ever really cared about me. It hurts so much because I genuinely cared for him. I loved him deeply. Part of me still does. It fucking hurts to feel so damn replaceable. Did the last three and a half years mean nothing to him? Were all the nice things he said, all the times he said "I love you" just a way to keep me from leaving? The very real possibility that he's hooked up with someone else makes me wonder if he ever really meant those words. Because when I said them to him, I meant them. I really did. I feel so stupid for believing him for so long. I'm so sad.

I just want to go home and cry.

My heart is so sore right now.

Phenomenal Woman - Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing of my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
The palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

from And Still I Rise by Maya Angelou
copyright © 1978 by Maya Angelou.

Inspiration for the Week

Ready for the Week?

Yesterday I read a few status updates of his which may or may not have been indirectly referring to me. There will be no reaction to any of it until he contacts me directly. I'm not going to get sucked into his pity party. I hope that he's realising what is going on, what it means to him. He had always said to me that he would not be around forever but I don't think he ever thought what it means exactly. He has done the same in this situation as he does in all tough situations. He avoids it in the hopes that it will go away. Except that I am the situation this time and he has ignored me for long enough and I am now going away. And chances are that I will never go back.

Sad. But true.

That which does not kill me will only make me stronger

This was the weekend that I had been dreading. I moved almost all my stuff out of the flat I shared with him.

I was supposed to go on Friday but he asked me not to as he was sick. I went to Dee's house instead and had a lot of wine. And then Saturday arrived and I didn't want to go. I really didn't. But I put on my big girl pants and went. I arrived at the flat to find that he was not there. In a way, I was glad. But the idea of what I had to do was incredibly overwhelming and I had a little freak-out. Luckily Dee called to find out how it was going and I asked her to please come over, which she did. I'm so grateful for her. She took charge and helped me get my shit together. It took ages to get my things and it was exhausting going up and down three flights of stairs!!! My legs are killing me today!

I had a second freak-out when we started packing up the things in the bedroom that I shared with him. There was a backpack lying on the ground, one that he had been using but that actually belongs to me. Obviously I was going to take it, as I had planned to take EVERYTHING that belongs to me. So I looked in the backpack to take out any of his belongings and guess what I found there... Condoms. New ones. Manufactured just last year and expiring in 2012. That broke me. I had thought that he might be hooking up with chicks but actually finding physical evidence was too much. Then, in the closet was a deodorant spray bottle. A woman's deodorant. A brand that I have never used in my entire life. Yes. He's had at least one skank over there since I've left. I can only call her a skank because I can not imagine any other woman hooking up with a guy and staying in a flat that was in that disgusting state. Now, I've never been the best housekeeper and I constantly beat myself up over the fact that the flat was never as clean and tidy as what I wanted. Now I see that I was fighting a losing battle. That flat stinks. He has clothes lying all over the floor, shoes and socks all over the lounge. The kitchen looks like a war zone. The pot that I used to make a pasta sauce two and a half MONTHS ago, the last meal I cooked for us, is STILL standing there, with all kinds of life forms growing in it. Glasses, dishes, cutlery piled into the sink, spilling over onto the counter.... It's disgusting. Anyway, back to the condoms. I pulled them out of the bag, since I have no need for them, and left them on his bed. Right in the middle of the bed. The message behind that move "Yes, I found these in MY bag. You can keep them. I'm sure you'll find some skanky pussy to use them on." But it broke my heart. sad to think that he doesn't realise what he's missing with me, how much I could have given him, how much I was willing to sacrifice for him.

I got home last night with a ton of clothes. My folks were great and helped me unpack the car. And then I drank wine. Losts of it. And cried. And cried. And cried.

This morning I woke up expecting some form of communication from him. Nothing. Until just now on Facebook. His status update says: Spite is unattractive. Even if you (apparently) wear it with flair.

I don't know if it was directed at me, but if it was, my response would be this: That wasn't spite. That was reality. I waited for you to have your say and you avoided the situation like you avoid everything. I tried and failed. I'm not making the same mistake again.

I still have to go back there to get my big furniture and all my kitchen stuff. I am oviously going to let him know that I'll be going there. He has to wash the dishes and get all his dvd's and stuff out of the wall unit. And then he will get his keys back and it will be over. Forever.

And when it is, I will cry again.

Inspiration for the Weekend

Worried

I haven't heard from him and I am getting worried. I have sent him an email to his private address and one to his work address. I've called his cell but it's off. I've called his office number but there is no answer. I've just sent him an sms and I will hopefully notice the delivery report and that will tell me that his phone has been switched on.

I know I shouldn't be this concerned, but I still love him and I know how completely out of character it is for him to disappear from the world like this. So yes, I'm worried that he's been hurt in an accident or something. I'm also worried that he's done something stupid, something I don't even want to think. I know how much he can party and I'm scared that he may have taken it too far.

Usually when he is absent from Facebook and Twitter it means that he's not at work. Perhaps he's home, sleeping and he turned his phone off for some peace and quiet. I hope that's the case.

Ok, he just turned his phone on. That calms me down a bit. I hope he's ok.

Mudvayne - World So Cold

When passion's lost and all the trust is gone,
Way too far, for way too long
Children crying, cast out and neglected,
Only in a world so cold, only in a world
This cold
Hold the hand of your best friend, look into their eyes
Then watch them drift away
Some might say, we've done the wrong things,
For way too long, for way too long

Fever inside the storm,
So I'm turning away.
Away from the name
(Calling your names)
Away from the stones
(Throw sticks and stones)
'Cause I'm through mending the wounds of us

Keep your thorns
'Cause I'm running away,
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
Away from the space
(Hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold

burning whispers, Remind me of the days,
I was left alone, in a world this cold
Guilty of the same things, provoked by
The cause,
I've left alone, in a world so cold
Fever inside the storm,
So I'm turning away.
Away from the name
(Calling your names)
Away from the stones
(Throw sticks and stones)
'Cause I'm through mending the wounds of us

Keep your thorns
'Cause I'm running away,
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
Away from the space
(Hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold

I'm flying, I'm flying away,
Away from the names
(Calling your names)
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
The circumstances of a world so cold

Why does everyone feel like my enemy,
Don't want any part of depression or
Darkness, I've had enough
sick and tired, bring the sun, or I'm gone,
Or I'm gone

I'm backing out, I'm no pawn,
No mother-fucking slave to this,
Never lied
Never left
Never lived
Never loved
Never lost
Never hurt
Never worry about being me, or anyone else
Not a care, no concern, don't give a shit about
Anything

Backing out, giving up, no mother-fucking
Slave to this,
Never lied
Never left
Never lived
Never loved
Never lost
Never hurt
Never worry about being me, or anyone else
Not a care, no concern, don't give a shit about
Anything,

I need to find a darkened corner,
A lightless corner,
Where it's safer and calmer,

I'm turning away.
Away from the name
(Calling your names)
Away from the stones
(Throw sticks and stones)
'Cause I'm through mending the wounds of us

I'm running away,
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
Away from the space
(Hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold

I'm flying, I'm flying away,
Away from the names
(Calling your names)
Away from the games
(Fucking head games)
The circumstances of a world so cold



Early Start

I woke up earlier than usual this morning and couldn't get back to sleep so I came to work early. And that means that I can go home early this afternoon! Yay! This week has taken it out of me. I'm exhausted and I'm glad that the weekend is finally here.

I sent him an email yesterday to confirm that I'm going to the flat tonight but I haven't heard anything. He hasn't even been active on Facebook or Twitter and I can't help but be a little worried. It's very strange. I know I shouldn't worry but what if something is very wrong? I don't know if I should call him or what.

Words of Wisdom

Keeping myself busy

I've been trying to keep myself busy today because I have way too much on my mind.

I haven't heard from him all week, not that I necessarily want to talk to him and pretend that everything is ok, but I had emailed him on Monday regarding me going over to the flat (I almost said "our") to pack my things. He never replied to that mail and so I sent him a reminder just now. No reply, of course.

Just thinking about what I am going to do tomorrow makes my heart feel heavy. I had believed that we were going to work things out. I had believed that we would be ok. I was wrong. I don't like being wrong. I didn't take all my things out of the flat because I believed that I would be back there soon. But I get nothing from him. Nothing. So I am left with no choice but to move on with my life. I need to keep telling myself this because I feel that it will be too easy for me to just go back to hoping that we will be ok in the future. I do miss him, but my anger is still stronger than my hurt. If he really wanted to be with me, he would have done something. I wasn't looking for a grand, romantic gesture, but just some indication on his part that he wanted me back as much as I wanted him. It hasn't happened. It's not easy to realise that the one person I've wanted and missed so much is the one person I can't have. I guess it's time to put my emotions to one side and be completely cold and rational about this. My emotions make me too tired.

This week has dragged for me. I just want to relax. My neck and shoulders have been sore for days now. Nothing has helped. I would pay good money to have a massage and to find away to get rid of all the tension in my life.

I have been playing all the Tool albums I have on my computer to keep my working pace up. It's worked quite well.

Just 2 more hours of this and then I go home.

I'm tired.

Sad News

I got to work this morning to find my friend Susi crying.... She just found out that her cousin has lost her second baby. It brings tears to my eyes just writing it down. I know the pain and the heartache. I've offered to go to the hospital with her this afternoon. Just for moral support.

I have nothing more to say.

So. Very. Tired.

Mid-way through the week and mid-way through the afternoon.


I'm so tired. My eyelids feel really heavy and all I want to do is go to sleep! I want to go home and get into bed. This day feels as though it has dragged on forever. Sho...


I feel as though I could put my head down on my desk and drift away, but falling asleep at the office is never a good idea.

Happy Hump Day!!!

It's Wednesday... Halfway through the week! Yay!!!


One of the reasons he gave me for not wanting to have our baby was that he wanted to focus on his music, get his band successful and what not. He essentially chose his music over me and his unborn child. I found out yesterday that the guitarist of his beloved band quit two days before their first gig in months. I feel that karma is kicking him in the ass. What goes around, comes around. I know it's wrong to find pleasure in the misfortune of others, but I couldn't help smiling and feeling vindicated, just a little. They say that Karma is a bitch and I'm loving that bitch right now.


Yesterday I was very worried about my financial affairs. I wasn't sure if I'd have enough money to make it until payday on the 21st. So I checked first thing thins morning and I got to smile again. I have almost double what I expected!!! Yay!!!


The weather has been good lately and Spring has definately shown her face, but last night was the ultimate show. We had a massive thunderstorm and it rained almost all night!! It took me ages to fall asleep because the thunder was so loud and I was enjoying listening to the rain. Now I'm a little sleepy but that's ok because there are two huge pots of coffee at the office just waiting for me!!


It's a good day, I think.

Just a few things...

Number 1: Broccoli, cauliflower, fish and egg mayo sandwiches are not acceptable foods to bring to an office for lunch. They stink. Literally.

Number 2: I am looking very pretty today, so I've been told.

Number 3: I entered a Pearl Jam ticket giveaway on Biz Community. I want them. They will be mine.

Number 4: I am bored, annoyed, hungry, tired and more bored.

Number 5: It is freakishly windy outside. My hair is under constant threat of burning from my ciggies and I have a collection of dust particles in my eyes. No fun there.

Number 6: Coffee is tasting nasty today.

Number 7: I have nothing more to say.

Stop it!

I've been doing something very stupid that I need to stop right now. I have been looking at his Facebook profile and have seen him making plans with random, slutty-looking chicks. He's also had some of these chicks over at the flat, our flat, the home that I was trying to make for us. I don't know if he's sleeping with any of them. I don't want to know. It just hurts that he's running around like a free man, hanging out with chicks when I'm still so shocked at the end of the relationship that I'm basically hiding from the world. I guess it just shows me that he was with me out of convenience. I was probably just someone who would clean his house, do his laundry and have sex with him without him having to make any effort. It's sad. Even though my head knows that he's not the one for me, that he's bad news and that he'll hurt me all over again if given the opportunity, I know that if he had to tell me he wants me back, my heart will want to say yes. Not that it will ever happen. He seems very happy to rock out with his cock out. I hope he knows that herpes has no cure. That shit is forever. Just saying.

I have decided to do some clothes shopping after payday. I have to go to Cresta for an eye test on the 24th and then I will hit the shops. I need ballet pumps. At least a black pair, but I'd like a couple of sassy pairs too, red, maybe a leopard print too. Yes. And some new clothes to go with my new hair. Something sexy. Yes.

I told my psychologist that he suffers from Peter Pan Syndrome. The description on Wiki is actually so accurate!!! Here's the link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Puer_aeternus

So he emailed me yesterday, giving me a bullshit story about not replying to my messages this weekend because he had run out of airtime. He must have also been crippled since he "couldn't" get any more. And he said that he was going to be very busy this week so I would be able to go to the flat to pack up some things after work. Ha ha fucking ha. I replied saying that I was very busy at work this week and would most likely have to work late and that I get back to Pretoria feeling very tired and would not be in the mood to go over there and pack. And then I promptly told him that I would be going over there on Friday evening because I know that he will be out and about, probably catching herpes or something. What he doesn't know is that Dee is coming with me. A bottle of wine or two, packing up and a good old-fashioned bitch session. And no, I won't be destroying any of his stuff because he would expect that. He will, however, realise that this is it. After all the shit, all the tears and all the anger, it's finally over.

I watched the video to this song on Youtube last night. There are lyrics there that reminded me of him and his stalling to let me get my things out the flat (see the bit in italics)

you say I only hear what I want to.
you say I talk so all the time so.

and I thought what I felt was simple,
and I thought that I don't belong,
and now that I am leaving,
now I know that I did something wrong 'cause I missed you.
yeah, I missed you.

and you say I only hear what I want to:
I don't listen hard,
I don't pay attention to the distance that you're running
or to anyone, anywhere,
I don't understand if you really care,
I'm only hearing negative: no, no, no.

so I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up,
and this woman was singing my song:
the lover's in love, and the other's run away,
the lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay.

some of us hover when we weep for the other who was
dying since the day they were born.
well, this is not that:
I think that I'm throwing, but I'm thrown.

and I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure.

you try to tell me that I'm clever,
but that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you.

you said that I was naive,
and I thought that I was strong.
I thought, "hey, I can leave, I can leave."
but now I know that I was wrong, 'cause I missed you.
you said, "You caught me 'cause you want me and one day you'll let me go."
"you try to give away a keeper, or keep me 'cause you know you're just so scared to lose.and you say, "stay."

you say I only hear what I want to.

I'm bringing sexy back!

The right email landed in my inbox at the right time... This entire weekend I was toying with the idea of cutting my hair. So much so, that I was on the verge of doing it myself! I'm SO glad I didn't because my dear friend Dee sent me an email regarding a FREE haircut!

And wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, I am getting my locks snipped on Sunday!!!

Here's what the style looks like:



Watch out world!!! The Duchess is getting her sexy on!!!

And it's about fucking time!!!

In other news, it's time to lay off the coffee for today. Too many exclamation marks means I'm buzzing!!!

And here we go again...

And just like that, it's Monday again. Woop-dee-doo!


So yesterday I spent the entire day waiting for him to say I could go through to the flat to pack up my boxes. Yeah. Obviously he didn't call. So I'm done with all that bullshit. I'm going to TELL him that I will be there on Friday night, whether he's there or not. I am going to pack those boxes and that's final. I no longer have the time or patience or energy to deal with any more bullshit. I have waited for him to tell me how he feels for TWO months and he has said nothing. So I'm done. I'm moving on.


I let my cats spend some time in the garden yesterday. It was such a pretty day and I wanted them to enjoy it. Mika loved it and spent the entire time sniffing every blade of grass, every little stone, every twig on the ground. She was very well behave, didn't try to climb the trees or crawl under the gate. Frankie was a little scared at first, like she always is. I put her down on the grass and she just did a U-turn and went back inside. So I picked her up and brought her back inside. Every time she tried to go for the door, I stopped her. So she explored a little, following Mika's lead. Then she found a sunny spot where she chilled for a while, but she was actually waiting for no one to be watching and as soon as there was no attention on her, she slipped inside and waited by the bedroom door until she was found and let back in! I was feeling very brave and decided to bring Dime outside too. I was smart though and I put him in his carrier. He's very heavy and very strong and I can barely control him when he starts to struggle in his arms. So I got him outside, took him out of his carrier and he sat pressed up against my leg and was too terrified to move. He was actually shaking in fear!!! I figured that seeing as he was so still for a change, I would give his coat a good brushing. It went well until I got to his tail. He hates having his tail brushed but I insisted. And so he clawed me. I have a delighful gash on my thumb and it's as sore as all hell!!! But at least his coat was brushed, at least that's what I thought! While I was washing my thumb and getting a plaster, Dime disappeared. I found him hiding behind a thorn bush in the corner of the garden, lying in the fucking dirt with every twig in that area caught up in his long fur!!! GAAAAH!!!!! I tried to gently coax him out but he was as stubborn as ever, so I had to endure a few scratches from the thorn bush and I grabbed him out there, put him back in his carrier and promptly took him back to the bedroom. It was quite hectic!!!


My sister went to a weddin yesterday and she caught the bouquet!!! Hahahahahaha.... She wasn't even going for it, she was standing at the back but apparently, the bride has quite an arm! She arrived home at 3:30 this morning and made such a noise that I woke up and then struggled to go back to sleep.


And I had struggled to go to sleep in the first place. I think I'm allergic to my new shower gel. After I showered last night, my entire body was very itchy and my legs were red and swollen. I tossed and turned and scratched for ages and eventually I gave up and took an Allergex. I fell asleep very quickly after that but the Allergex affects me quite hecticly and I'm still a little groggy this morning!


And now I'm back in the office.


Zzzzzzz...... I'd love to be asleep right now!!!

Waiting and wishing

So here I am... I have been trying to get into the flat I used to share with him for two days now. Two months after I left, I still have things there and I have decided that the time has come to get all of my things out of there and move on with my life. I put my feelings out there, told him how I felt and asked him to respond. He promised that he would. That was almost a month ago. He has very cleverly avoided telling me what he wants and how he feels. I can't wait any more. I need to move on with my life now. But he is still holding me back. I had told him that I wanted to go pack yesterday, but he said that he'd had a really rough night on Friday, that he was really tired and that he was just going to sleep. Ok then. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. So this morning I've already sent him a message asking if he was ok with me going there today, because he should be well-rested seeing as he slept all day yesterday. That was almost an hour ago. I honestly doubt that he was at home all of yesterday. But I will continue bugging him about going over there to do this. It's not that I want to do it, rather, it's something I have to do. For me. I need to move on with my life and the only way I'm going to do that is to get all the things I have out of that flat and give him back his keys. After that, I will have no reason to see him again. Yes, of course it will hurt, but it has to happen. Like I said, I put my feelings out there and he has had many opportunities to do the same. But he hasn't. I don't know what he wants so I am having to make the decision for both of us. If it's not what he wanted, he should have spoken up when he had the chance.

Oh, yes, the Rugby World Cup...

So today is the start of the Rugby World Cup. My office is all about the Boks. Yippee. I'm not wearing a Bok shirt because I don't have one. I'm not going to spend my hard-earned money on a shirt that I don't even like. Besides, it has "ABSA" emblazoned acorss the chest, which is kind of ironic since I work for Nedbank.So instead, I am wearing red and white. Yes, red and white, in support of Chile and their soccer team. Sure, I stand out like a sore thumb, but I couldn't give a shit. There's apparently all kinds of Bok-related things happening at the office today. Me, I don't care. Even if I don't do a stich of work today, I will not be taking part in this madness. Well, not unless I'm forced to and then it will be in attendance only. No participation on my part.

I will only support the Boks if they get to the final.

Thank you.

That is all.

Sooooooo Bored

It's felt like a ridiculously long day today. I'm so tired, my neck and back hurt from being hunched over this laptop at work and worst of all, I'm bored to death. I haven't had a properly productive day in ages and it's really annoying me. It's not that I don't have any work to do, it's just that I don't feel like doing it. Whenever I start working, I get distracted by the voices and ringing phones and all the shit that is going on in this office. Yesterday, someone was going through all the ringtones on their phone, trying to chose a new one. Seriously. And then there's Mr Creepy who loves the sound of his own fucking voice and has endless conversations with all and sundry over the phone. And he tries to use that calm, soothing voice but if you listen to his words, you realise that he's just talking a lot of shit. I hate people that feel as though they have to talk all the time. It's so fucking annoying.

Tomorrow is the start of the Rugby World Cup in New Zealand. Woop-woop-fucking-woop. I really couldn't be bothered. Everyone is "Bok Befok" except for me. I don't like rugby. I'll only ever support the Boks and get into the swing of things if they are in the finals. I have a fucking life that doesn't revolve around a group of muscleheads chasing a funny shaped ball and grabbing each other's nuts all the time. Tomorrow we are supposed to wear our supporter's shirts, either the official Bok ones or the work-issued one. I will wear neither. I'm not willing to spend at least R600 for the official shirt and the one sent to us from work is a fucking disaster. I actually tried it on the other day. It's a size medium, which is ok and it fits fine across my shoulders. It's that that it's a tad too short. And I'm not wearing something that doesn't fit me well. So fuck it all.

I know that was a going on about how awesome the Gautrain is yesterday, but today is a day that I'm pissed off at everything and I've realised that I save no time whatsoever in taking the fucking train. It took me two hours to get to work this morning. Granted, I didn't have to drive or sit in the car with my dad but still. It's supposed to be quick for fuck's sakes. The train is fine, taking only 32 minutes from Rosebank to Hatfield. It's just the fucking buses to and from the stations that take a fucking eternity!!! Granted, they still have to deal with the traffic, but fuck! Those buses are fucking hot in the afternoons and I can't even begin to imagine the sweat-fest they will be in a couple of months when summer is 100% here!!!

Shit, I've actually realised that I'm psyching myself out of this and I'm supposed to get on one of the fucking buses soon. So here's what I'll do.... I'll go have my last pee, pack my shit up, change into comfortable shoes, suck it up and do what I have to do.

Fuck.

Dropping the K-bomb

So this morning's news is all about Darren Scott and the fact that he dropped the k-bomb at a black colleague.

Wow.

As if this country has nothing better to be upset about.

So the guy dropped the k-bomb at someone he was upset with over money that had been borrowed and not repaid. I'm of the opinion that the receiver of the k-bomb totally deserved it, regardless of race.

I've used it many times, but does that make me a racist? I don't think so. I don't use it exclusively when describing people of darker skin tones. For me a (don't read the next word if you you're sensitive) "kaffir" is anyone who demonstrates their low-classness through their actions. It has nothing to do with race. And if someone owed me money and I was angry with them, I'd drop it like it's hot.

That is all.

Thank you.

On the Gautrain

This morning I experienced the Gautrain for the very first time. I got a lift to the Hatfield station in Pretoria. Once inside the station, a very friendly staff member assisted me in getting my Gold Card and pointed me towards the platform. My timing was great because the train arrived as soon as I got to the platform. From Hatfield, the train went to Pretoria Station in town. Not many people got on the train and none that I could see got off. Next stop: Centurion. Apparently the Gautrain is a HUGE hit in Centurion. The train filled up and off to Midrand we went. Quite a lot of people got off the train and a few got on. It was wonderful watching the highway from the train, seeing it backed up like madness, knowing that I was not having to deal with that mess. We stopped at Marlboro, but not much happened there. Then we went off to Sandton, which only took about 3 minutes, all of it underground. Wonderful. That's where most people got off. The end of the line is at Rosebank at the moment and that's where everyone was asked to leave the train. From there, I had to find my way to the buses to take me into Joburg CBD. There is a temporary bus service into town until the Park Station terminal is complete. I had no idea where to go, but I followed the crowd until I saw signs pointing me in the right direction. Easy as pie. The worst part of my journey was the bus ride. Obviously, traffic had to be dealt with, so it was slower than the train. And bus drivers are not the smartest and our bus driver was perhaps a little sleepy because he stalled the bus twice while trying to leave the station. But I finally made it into the CBD. The bus dropped me off a few blocks from the office so I had the chance to have a smoke while I was walking. Plus it was a good way to get my blood pumping before getting to work. I'm actually feeling so energised!!!

I've only ever experienced public transport like this in Manhattan so obviously I made some comparisons. The people making use of the Gautrain are a lot friendlier than your average Manhattanite. People chat and exchange comments. I'm sure it's because this is still a new experience for us South Africans, but I really hope it doesn't change. It's also nice that you don't feel obliged to chat to anyone, so essentially it's the best of both worlds. The stations are very well staffed so if it's your first time on the train, you won't feel lost or stupid. The staff are friendly and professional. The stations are also well marked, so there's really no way to get lost. Anyone who has travelled on a plane and has had to deal with foreign airports will find Gautrain stations easy to navigate. The fares are reasonable. If you're travelling from Pretoria to Joburg and back on a daily basis, you know how much petrol is costing you. The fares work out only slightly cheaper but the stress-free journey is worth a lot more than could ever possibly explained. Personally, I saw buidlings and interesting things that I'd never seen while driving. Plus, like I've said before, it's stress free!!! A huge concern of mine was safety. And trust me, it's safe. There is security all over the place, and they are also trained to assist first-time travellers in pointing them in the right direction. There is even a security guard on the bus!

To wrap up, I really enjoyed the experience and I see the benefit of it. As soon as the network is completed and linked into other forms of public transport (Rea Vaya and municipal buses) there really will not be any need to drive yourself to Joburg on a daily basis.

I can't wait for this afternoon to do it all over again!

For more information on schedules, bus routes, etc, go to: http://www.gautrain.co.za/

Spring has Sprung!

It looks as though Spring has finally arrived in South Africa! We have had some beautiful days! I've even worn shorts!!! I am so happy that the weather is getting better. I have never been a fan of winter, in fact, I tend to despise it! So this is a happy time.

Work-wise, things are just going the same way they have always been. Low motivation, feeling bored and annoyed and blah, blah, blah. Same shit, different day.

My emotions are all over the place all the time. I've been single for two months now and it's still taking a lot to get used to it. I haven't been going out a lot and I think it's time to start changing that. I need to distract myself from the fact that I'm fucking lonely. My mom has told me that I just need to get over it already and it makes me angry. It's as though she doesn't seem to realise that this relationship was everything to me for three and a half years and I can't just "get over it" in two months. It's going to take some time. I'm actually starting to get annoyed with myself for still being so miserable. I don't want to cry any more, but the tears just come at random times. I remember the good times and I cry because I miss them. And then I go and do something stupid like read notes I wrote in the last year of the relationship and I realise that it wasn't all the rose-coloured awesomeness I miss. There were some really bad times. I was really unhappy and lost for a long time. Shit, I had times when I cried every day because I didn't know what else to do!!! If I look at how things were going now that I'm out of the relationship, I can see that the chances of it lasting until the end of the year were pretty slim. I mean, I love him and I always will, and I know that he will make some girl very happy one day. It's just that I'm not that girl, and now is not the time. I'm starting to realise this and that means that I'm starting to let him go. No, it hasn't been easy. And there are still some more tough times coming, I'm sure. But that's where I am right now. And I'm ok with that.

Now it's time for lunch.