Watching the Weight...

In the last year I have gained about 30 kilos or so... I'm not one to constantly weigh myself, so it's pretty much a guess. I have gone up 2 pants sizes, from 34 to 38 and 2 shirt sizes from 32 to 36, sometimes even 38.

The reason for the wieght gain is the fact that I am eating three meals a day again. And I have a mother who gets very upset if plates are not clean at the end of a meal, so I am eating pretty much everything that's put in front of me. For a while I also did a lot of comfort eating and even though I've stopped that, my stomach has gotten used to having all kinds of delicous goodies fed into it.

I was putting on one of my new 36DD bras this morning, and I realised that the weight gain has meant that I got my boobs back. At my thinnest, I was down to a 34C. I've never been a flat-chested kinda girl, and a 34C is the smallest I'd been since I was 15. I'm very glad to have my boobs back, but I'm a little uncomfortable by the mass I have below the chest area.

Yes, I wear clothes that flatter me and I'm tall, but there's something uncomfortable about sitting down and have two massive rolls bulging out, ruining the look of an outfit.

And so the thought pops into my head that perhaps I should start watching what I eat. I'm not a fan of excerise so I figure that if I start off by watching what I eat, it'll be a good start. But then comes time to actually eat and let's face it.... I freakin' love food!

And I put it off.....

For a little while anyway....

This is a Rule at My House...

21... With Some Experience....

Yesterday was my birthday! A real lady never reveals her age, so I will say that I am 21... with some experience!

I was at home, having been booked off from work with a mild upper respiratory tract infection. I spent all of Tuesday sleeping, and then decided that on Wednesday, being my birthday, I would actually get up out of bed. My phone had starting beeping with Facebook notifications some time during the night and I eventually gave up on sleep at around 8am. I received so many birthday wishes from friends and family all over the world!

My dad came back to the house on the way to a meeting and that's when he and my mom gave me their gift. A lovely knitted cardigan and a gift voucher from Woolies... My favourite place to shop!!!

My dad left the car at home when he went off to the meeting so I went off to Centurion to renew my driver's license. I was in and out of there in less than 2 hours! It may not be the nicest thing to do on one's birthday, or the nicest place to go on one's birthday, but I at least I can say that I accomplished something.... I am finally driving legally again!!

I had booked a table at my favourite Greek restaurant, Mythos, in Brooklyn Design Square. I had invited my bestest Dee to come along (with her babydaddy, obviously) but they couldn't make it. So it was me and my family. I saw my sister for the first time that day, and she showered me with lots of little presents! She got me two DVD's.... The Notebook and Edward Scissorhands. She also got me a cute bookmark and Chocomania lip butter from The Body Shop. Yummy!!!

We had arrived in Brooklyn a little early because the Exclusive Books sale started that same day and my mom wanted to have a look. And so I ended up buying myself some books, including a book on Frida Kahlo, Ozzy Osbourne's autobiography, a novel based on the life of Catherine de Medici, Rudyard Kipling's Just So Stories and a little book on writing tips. Kind of my birthday present to myself. And then we noticed that Woolies had some sales going on, so I got myself two sweaters from there, a red one and an orange one. More birthday presents to myself!

Dinner was really good. We ordered two meze platters, one with meat and one vegetarian. They were delicious! Because of the anti-biotics I was on, I couldn't really have a cocktail, so I only had one glass of wine. I kept trying to make it last longer by adding more ice! And it made me very, very tipsy! By the time I got home, I was exhausted and I just fell into bed!

This morning was a struggle, as usualy, to get out of bed. And even though I was feeling somewhat better yesterday, I am back to feeling like I was on the wrong end of a fist fight while asleep last night. My brain is barely functioning... So much so that I forget that my nose is blocked and end up almost passing out when trying to inhale through my nose! Yes, it's that bad!

To wrap up, I want to thank everyone that played a part in my birthday yesterday. From my amazing family, to me dear, dear friends, both near and far, to the little old Chinese man who took such stunning ID photos of me, to the friendly old man looking after cars and the guy taking fingerprints at the Centurion testing centre, to the friendly cashier at the KFC drive-through window and the excellent waiter at Mythos. Everyone that I came into contact with yesterday helped to make my day perfect. I think that for the first time in my life, I experienced a true birthday, one of those days where everything just goes right.

I think back to last year and I can see such an overwhelming difference in my life. A year ago, on my birthday, I was so scared, so uncertain and very, very sad. I had dinner at a fancy restaurant with the ex (a few days before he became my ex) and we barely spoke. I hated every second of it. I didn't want yesterday to end.... It really was the perfect day. And it's only just hit me now.... As I've typed this, I realised that I am happy. I really am. And it's wonderful!

And now, let's do the Happy Dance!!



Cat Lady...

As you know, I love my kitties (and if you didn't know it, shame on you).

Here's a link to a fellow cat lady. Except that she can draw... I can just gush about my babies!

cat versus human

Winter, You Little Bitch....

When I left the house this morning it was still dark, as it usually is. I felt a crispness in the air but that was it. By the time I got to the Gautrain station in Rhodesfield, it wasn't dark any more, but it was completely overcast. And the crispness that I had felt in Pretoria had turned into wind. Ice cold wind. Now, looking out of my 10th floor window at the office, I can just see grey. The buildings, the sky, all grey. And downstairs it's Arctic! The wind, channeled by the buildings in the CBD is not only ice cold, but it's strong. It makes me want to curl up into a little ball and jsut hide. Even though I was born in the dead of winter (my birthday is next Wednesday), I can honestly say that I am not a fan of this season.

Give me sunshine and warmth any day!

One minute at a time...

I have been taking things one minute at a time today... It feels as though a day, or even an hour at a time is a bitt too much to handle. It's getting to that time of the year, the one year anniversary of the worst moments of my life and I am trying very hard to distract myself and not allow it to consume me. I am working very hard at it and so far, so good. But I can't make any promises.

Every once in a while, the emotions come flooding back, without remorse, without pulling punches. And it freakin' hurts. It still does, even after all this time. Obviously I don't want it to. I don't want to remember how badly I was hurting, but what I want is not always what I get.

If I'm not highly distracted, full steam ahead kind of distracted, the memories come. The flood back and they take over and I can't get rid of them very easily. I hate it.

Art...

Vincent van Gogh is my favourite artist. Here's why:

Blossoming Almond Tree

Enclosed Field with Rising Sun

Green Wheat Field with Cypress

Irises

Old Man in Sorrow (On the Threshold of Eternity)

Starry Night Over the Rhone

Starry Night (my favourite painting!)

The Cafe Terrace

Vase with Twelve Sunflowers

Self-Portrait

Not Feeling It...

The working is piling up around me and I can't seem to get myself in the right frame of mind to start going through it all.... I feel as though I am a ball of PMS-fury just waiting to explode. Every little thing around me is a source of frustration today. The ringing phone, the annoying woman who sits behind me, the person trying to find a new ringtone at the office, the chick that speaks so loudly all the time that I suspect she might actually have a hearing problem.... Shall I continue? Ok.... The fact that my body temperature is all over the place. I'm either boiling hot or so cold that I have to wear my coat at my desk. The sound of my own typing annoys me. And my stiff, sore back and neck muscles... I won't even begin to describe just how annyoing that is. There is just one thing I miss about the ex.... Just one tiny thing, and that's his ability to give me a decent massage. Stupid. I know.

All I am looking forward to is the weekend... As usual. I am seeing my school friends on Saturday night. I can't wait. It's been such a long time since we've gotten together and just talked. I've really missed them in the last year or so. My sister got a VIP pass to a high tea and wedding fashion show on Sunday afternoon and she invited me to go along. She says I'm the only person she knows who want to get married! Well, yes... eventually. When I meet the right man.

Speaking of the right man, I feel as though I am ready to date again. Maybe not, you know, this weekend, because the PMS-monster will send any guy running in the opposite direction, but in the near future. I feel ready.

At this moment, all I want is to pack up my things, go home and get into bed. I feel exhausted. Is it still the after-effects of donating blood? I don't know. It's probably the PMS. I'd love to sleep through it.

Now it would be very nice if everyone could just turn their own personal volume down and just be quiet.

I have a headache.

First-Time Blood Donor

The South African National Blood Service is at my office today.

I have wanted to donate blood for a long time, but my fear of needles has always stopped me.

Today, I overcame my fear and I did it!

That's me! Giving blood!

I even got an award for being brave!

I'll admit, I'm feeling a little light-headed now, but it's not too bad. I am very proud of myself!

A Poem

This poem has been one of my favourites for a very long time and today I am dedicating it to my friend, who lost her husband two months ago....

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

 

- W.H. Auden

Oh, I Almost Forgot...

It's very rare for me to do a double-post these days, but there are a few things I wanted to add....

Firstly, it's the one-year anniversary of this blog. Happy birthday blog!!

I know the cake says 50.... I just like the pink, black and red combination... And the stars. I love the stars!

I also wanted to add that I am feeling a little pissed off.... The ex has shown up all over my Facebook newsfeed. A photographer has obviously uploaded photos that were taken almost two years ago of the ex's band. And one of the band members is a mutual friend so there's my ex... All over my Facebook newsfeed. I am not taking it well. Although, to my credit, I am taking it better than I would have 6 months ago. Back then I would have been in tears. Now I am just annoyed. I hate the fact that he shows up when I'm doing great... Almost as if to remind me that there he is and that he still has the power to affect my moods. I know he shouldn't, but the reality is that he does. The other weekend I saw his car in the the parking lot of Dee's complex and my entire day was ruined. And now my day has been ruined by seeing his stupid face on my newsfeed. I did look at all the photos, I'll admit. I had to see if they were new or old. And I paused at a close up of his face and wondered what on earth I ever found physically attractive. I still can't figure it out. I must have been blind - how is an overweight, ginger, sweaty man attractive? Well, at least I know I'm no longer attracted to him! Although, to be fair, I think I stopped finding him attractive long before we broke up.

And that's all I wanted to add.

A Slow Start...

As usual, I am experiencing a slow start to this week... Not because I want to, but because my brain is wired to do so after the weekend. It's a weekly struggle and I am used to it.

The weekend itself was good. Like someone said this morning, a bad weekend is better than no weekend at all. I fully agree!

Friday evening, the family unit went to Pascali's to eat. And we ate... A lot. If we don't go there for half price Monday night pizza, we go for meze. We order their deep-fried foccacia, which is heavenly, with some dips and a few of their starter dishes. And sangria. Lots and lots of sangria! And we talk. In the years I was with the ex, I missed having conversations with my family over a good meal. We are especially talkative during our Friday night meals - when we can round off the week and we have the energy to go on a little longer than on a weeknight. I ended the evening off by watching a dvd - Music and Lyrics - a cute rom-com with Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore.

On Saturday morning I was ordered to stay home while my parents went shopping - for my birthday present. So I bummed around the house and relaxed. In the evening, my mom and I went to church. I hadn't been for a while and it was good. I like going to church. I am working on my relationship with God. We have our moments when we are at odds, and I am slowing beginning to build my trust in Him again.

Then after church and dinner I went off to Cafe Barcelona. Three of my favourite South African bands were playing - Southern Gypsy Queen, Black Cat Bones and Tidal Waves. I had a great time, seeing old friends and making new ones. The members of Tidal Waves were very happy to see me again. I have been a fan of theirs for many years and they did notice my absence in the time that I was with the ex and the subsequent withdrawal from the world immediately following the break-up. But now I'm back and I will be seeing them more often. No doubt about it. I can't even begin to describe the amount of fun I had - it reminded me of a simpler time, many years ago, before heartbreak, before the tears. Except that this time I am a better version of me, a stronger version of me and that makes me incredibly happy.

Sunday was Father's Day and my sister and I treated my dad to a delicious meal at Tasha's in Brooklyn Design Square. We had a great time and I think he really enjoyed the fact that his daughters are able to take him out to a nice restaurant for a good meal. I love my dad more than I can explain. He has been a true hero to me, over and over again. It brings tears to my eyes thinking how incredibly strong he was for me in the months following the break-up and the miscarriage. Thank you dad for being you!

And that brings us to Monday... Back at work. The nuisance woman is still around and I am waiting for the next wave of drama to come from her. That is all we can do, I guess. Just wait for something to happen - good or bad. So we'll see. I'm just keeping my distance, ignoring the little things that annoy me and concentrating on what I need to do.

So let's do it...

Finally... Weekend....

It has been one hell of a week... I don't think I've ever gone through so much stress at work. That woman is a complete nightmare to be around and it finally got to me. On Wednesday, I revoked my offer to assit her team in training the banking staff. I told my boss' boss that I did not want to be in her line of fire if something went wrong. And I put all of my concerns in writing - in an email - to my boss and his boss. So I am now hoping that action is taken. It is the only thing that keeps me going. I decided that  I will be at work every day.... I will try to be awesome every day. If I am stressed at work, so be it. But I will not give her the satisfaction of knowing that she has forced me to stay away from the office. I will be there every fucking day just to piss her off.

So finally the weekend has arrived. I wish that I was out, getting drunk and forgetting the week I just had. But instead, I am at home, in my PJ's. Oh the crazy life a single woman in her 30's leads! At least I'll be going out tomorrow night!

Having a Sulk...

I am sulking.... I am incredibly annoyed at the office and I'm miserable. I have not progressed in my work today and I am extremely pissed off about that.

The noise situation is becoming unbearable. Even with my earphones on, and my music playing at almost full volume, I can still hear conversations all around me. Everyone tries to speak louder than the next person, so that whoever they are speaking to on the phone can hear them. And so it gets louder. And louder. And louder.

I can't stand it any more.

The big boss tells me to be patient. We will have our quiet office in a few months.

I don't have a few months.

I have deadlines that I am going to miss because I can't concentrate!

Then I get told that I should go sit in a free boardroom. Oh yes, boardrooms that are free for an hour, then occupied for a meeting for another hour and then free again. Yes, that is definitely the way to go. Fucking stupid idea. Even when I book a boardroom for the entire day, I am disturbed by people sticking their heads in to check who is there. It's probably even more disruptive than sitting out here in the open plan office.

All I want is a space where I can be on my own, where there is peace and quiet and I can just sit there and do my work without having to overhear anyone's conversations.

I have lost an entire day's worth of work and I am pissed off.

Winter is Here!

This weekend, I well and truly felt winter. It's been cold, but not too cold, but this weekend, winter brought all her cold and fury.

My Friday afternoon ended with quite the adventure. It started with a 40 minute wait for the Gautrain bus, in the cold, and it was drizzling as well. It was completely miserable. When the bus finally arrived, I figured I'd be at the train station in 15 minutes tops. I was wrong. Because of the time, the traffic was completely insane. The bus would get stuck at every intersection for about 15 minutes at a time. At one traffic light, a group of passengers got off the bus and decided to walk. At the next intersection, another group did the same, including me. And so we walked. And walked. And walked. We arrived at the station at the same time as the bus. When we got to the platform, we had to run for the train because it was about to leave. And I was NOT missing that train! I finally got to Pretoria at about 6:30pm, completely exhausted. I went out to dinner with my folks at the Ocean Basket in Woodlands. After dinner I popped into Exclusive Books and bought myself two books: The Hunger Games and The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. I had planned on going out  to the drumming circle to watch the Black Cat Bones, but I was just so tired after that epic journey home, that I just went home and got into my bed and started reading The Hunger Games.

On Saturday morning, my mom, dad and I went to Brooklyn Mall for a bit of shopping. And I shopped like a madwoman. I stocked up on winter clothes. Two turtlenecks, three pairs of knee-high socks, two thermals vests, and another two sweaters. If that wasn't enough, I also went on a home decor shopping spree. I got some cushions for my bed, some storage baskets and two prints to put up on my bedroom wall. And it felt great. When we got home, I put on my tracksuit and settled in on the couch with blankets, heater and assorted animals cuddling me for warmth. And I decided to watch dvd's. I watched From Paris With Love and Horrible Bosses. I started watching Thor, but fell asleep. I woke up at 2am with the intro music palying over and over again. And so I moved my sleeping to my bed.

I decided that Sunday would be my domestic day. So I cleaned. I changed my sheets and organised my closet. I threw out a lot of clothes. I never thought I could be so ruthless at it. I threw out a lot of clothes that reminded me of the ex. Like the unerwear he bought me and the jacket I was wearing the day we broke up. I got rid of it all. I don't want those things near me any more. They hold too many bad memories, too much bad energy. It felt great.

In the afternoon I dyed my hair and tried to stay warm. I could hear the wind howling every now and then. I desperately hate winter. I don't function well in the cold. I struggle to wake up in the mornings and I struggle to fall asleep at night. My body hates the cold. I finally unpacked and put my heater together on Saturday afternoon and I left it on all evening while I watched movies (and slept on the couch) so my room was warm and toasty when I went up there. The best time of day in my bedroom is mid-afternoon. The sun streams into the room, filling it with light and warmth. It's wonderful. But it's also very short-lived. As soon as the sun dips below my neighbour's hose, my room goes cold. Oh yes, I am also wearing full winter PJ's! The first time I've done so this season!

This morning I struggled to get out of bed again. And it feels as though my brain has not woken up yet. What I would give to be lying in my bed right now, the sun just starting to warm my bedroom, with my three beautiful cats for company. Such bliss.

Finally Friday!

It's been one hell of a long week. I've worked extremely hard and there has been plenty of stress and drama at the office. That woman has been making trouble again and it is getting too much to handle.

I have just found out that something is going to happen with her next week and that it is very likely that everyone will be dragged into it. I know that it has to do with the fact that she comes in late every day, as well as the fact that she disappears during the day - no one knows where she goes. I don't mind her disappearing from her desk - it brings some peace and quiet and calm. Her smoke breaks are super long. She'll go smoke and only come back half an hour later. Yes, I also take smoke breaks but I go downstairs, smoke and come back up immediately. Ten minutes tops. I'm sure that she'll also bring up the fact that I leave early. But here's the deal - I come to work and I work. I'm at my desk and I do what I have to do. I don't spend all day sorting out my own personal stuff. I don't spend all day bitching to everyone who will listen. I do my work. And yes, I leave early because I have a bus to catch. ButI make up for the early leaving by working. I get things done, while she just messes things up. I've learnt that you have a lot more leeway when you actually do your job and you do it well. So bring it on, bitch. I'm ready for you.

Thank goodness it is Friday today. Really, I couldn't be happier. My boss was here this morning and it was great having my ally here. He filled me in on a lot of confidential happenings with regards to this bitch of a woman. No one wants to work with her. No one. Not even her own staff. If that's not a sign, I don't know what is.

But yes, back to the happiness that is Friday... Even though it's freezing cold, I am going to go out tonight to watch some bands and hang out with friends. I need to unwind after this hell-week. I've just realised that I have events every weekend for the month of June and that's awesome! Next Saturday, I am going out again to watch more bands and see friends. Then the following Saturday I am going out for dinner with some old school friends. And the Saturday after that, I am going to get my tattoo and I'm really looking forward to that! A birthday present from my bestest Dee!

Ugh, the time just won't move on.... I want to go home....

Almost Weekend!

The weekend is almost here.... I can almost touch it!!

Last night I received an sms that made me very happy. Gautrain announced that Park Station was to open this morning. And so, my travel time was shorter by 20 minutes this morning! It was fantastic!

I am going to slow down with work a little. I don't want to burn out again like I did yesterday.

So I am planning on going tomorrow night and I already have plans to go out next Saturday as well. Yes. It's going to be great!

Writer's Block... Kind Of...

I've been revamping our orientation material, which involves reformatting and rewriting a 5-day programme. In the last three days I have written almost 11000, yes, eleven thousand words of banking-related information. Needless to say, I am rather tired. My brain shut down just after 1pm today and I have not been able to get up going again. I am tired and I am taking the rest of the afternoon off.

I have been chatting with my friend who lost her husband almost two months ago. She is going through a bad day today and I have been giving her some advice on how to take it, not one day at a time, but a minute at a time. I can relate to her pain. I've been to hell and I've come back. The least I can do is help someone who is on that journey now, giving her some light, some support.

I struggled to get out of bed this morning.... Not because I was dreading coming to work, not because I hadn't slept well and was tired. It was just too cold. My bed was a warm haven and I didn't want to leave it. I'm so looking forward to getting back into my bed tonight!

I am thinking of going out on Friday night. The Black Cat Bones are playing at Klitsgras on Friday night and I feel like hanging out with friends, drinking beer and listening to some cool tunes. It's been a while. It's definitely an option.

I erckon when I get into work tomorrow morning, I will be able to pick up where I left off and I will have another productive day. I am confident.

Let's Do This!

Yesterday we attended some training at work at it was the biggest waste of time I have ever experienced. We are all in the business of training and to have to sit through such a terrible experience was torture.

We finished early and then the mood was awful. The bitch woman was on some sort of mission and she kept her favourites very close to her all day. The tension was so thick in the office that I spent most of the time outside. And before 3:30, I had left. I just couldn't handle it any more.

This morning the bitch woman is again on some mission, cleaning her cupboards out. I am hoping that this is a sign of her imminent departure. The office will be a much lighter, brighter place when she is gone.

And then, of course, I heard her gossiping to one of her buddies about how she's in trouble for coming to the office late all the time. And yes, she was talking about me... Because I leave at 4pm every afternoon. But you know what, I'm here on time every morning. Not like her who waltzes in at whatever time she feels like arriving.

But I'm not going to get into that.

I am determined to have a good day today and to get a lot of work done.

I just need to ignore this stupid bitch cow and do my thing.

Yes.