This is my 111th post and I wish I didn't have to use this momentous occassion to say this, but fukkit.
I am tired of being everything to everyone and having people pissed off with me if I do not satisfy their needs.
News Flash: My mission in life is to make myself happy.
That is all.
Thank you.
Monday 31 October 2011
Happy Halloween!
Today is the last day of October... I can't believe that the second last monht of the year is starting tomorrow! This year has flown by... The last few months especially!
I wasn't at the office on Thursday and Friday because of the ANCYL march. It started here in Joburg CBD, only a few blocks away from my office. I asked the boss if I could work from home for those days and he said it was ok.
On Wednesday afternoon, I received an invitation from the Advocate to watch the cricket with him that evening. I was very hesitant but I ended up saying yes. However, there was no cricket on. He said he got the date wrong. I laughed and said that it was all part of the grand scheme to get me to say yes! Anyways, we had a braai at his house, just the two of us. Yes, we did talk about the ex a little and it did get me a little sad. But the Advocate was very nice. He was sweet. And yes, he kissed me and it was lovely. I like the fact that he told me that things didn't have to be rushed, that there are going to be plently more evenings like that one. That's made me very happy. He's really nice. As I'm hanging out with him more and more, I like him more and more. He's a good person and he makes me feel good about myself. And that's a good thing. I like being around someone who boosts my ego like that. He said that we would spend time together again some time this week. I really hope so. Just the thought of seeing him again gives me the smiles and tingles.
I spent this weekend mostly at home, just relaxing. I kind of wanted to go out on Saturday night, but didn't. I got lazy. And I spent Sunday in a semi-comatose state, just vegging on the couch, taking precious little cat-naps. It was lovely. Weekends like that are really good.
I have a ton of work to do. Lots of proof-reading. I don't mind it that much, but what does upset me is the fact that people's standards are not as high as mine. I'm a perfectionist and it really upsets me when people do not put in the same amount of effort as what I do. Even if I do a job quickly, I make damn sure that I do it well. I make sure that my spelling is on point and that my formatting is perfect. I say it's because it's my reputation on the line. I don't want to be seen as the chick who doesn't write well and who does sloppy work. I hate that. But now I have to wade through clunsily written English, crazy formatting and those tiny mistakes that only I can find. Breathe in...... Breathe out..... I had to take a calming tablet at lunch time becuase I was so upset. That's why I've kind of given up on work at the moment. I am too calm. I'm kind of in a zombie state. My functioning is only at it's most basic. Yeah.... Strong shit I've taken. Wow....
So November begins tomorrow. My aunt arrives in the country next Monday. She will be here for approximately three weeks with her step-daughter. In the middle of the month, there is a friend of mine arriving from London. She's visiting her family and we've made plans to do drinks while she's here. And then at the end of the month, I'm off to Olwazini for the Assessor and Moderator training. I'm really looking forward to that. It's the first time this year that our entire team will be together and we'll probably have a bit of a year-end function at the same time. And wham! Before we even know it, it will be Christmas and New Years and 2012!!! I still can't believe how quickly this year has gone!
And I think that's all I have to say. I think. I'm sure I could ramble on but I won't.
I wasn't at the office on Thursday and Friday because of the ANCYL march. It started here in Joburg CBD, only a few blocks away from my office. I asked the boss if I could work from home for those days and he said it was ok.
On Wednesday afternoon, I received an invitation from the Advocate to watch the cricket with him that evening. I was very hesitant but I ended up saying yes. However, there was no cricket on. He said he got the date wrong. I laughed and said that it was all part of the grand scheme to get me to say yes! Anyways, we had a braai at his house, just the two of us. Yes, we did talk about the ex a little and it did get me a little sad. But the Advocate was very nice. He was sweet. And yes, he kissed me and it was lovely. I like the fact that he told me that things didn't have to be rushed, that there are going to be plently more evenings like that one. That's made me very happy. He's really nice. As I'm hanging out with him more and more, I like him more and more. He's a good person and he makes me feel good about myself. And that's a good thing. I like being around someone who boosts my ego like that. He said that we would spend time together again some time this week. I really hope so. Just the thought of seeing him again gives me the smiles and tingles.
I spent this weekend mostly at home, just relaxing. I kind of wanted to go out on Saturday night, but didn't. I got lazy. And I spent Sunday in a semi-comatose state, just vegging on the couch, taking precious little cat-naps. It was lovely. Weekends like that are really good.
I have a ton of work to do. Lots of proof-reading. I don't mind it that much, but what does upset me is the fact that people's standards are not as high as mine. I'm a perfectionist and it really upsets me when people do not put in the same amount of effort as what I do. Even if I do a job quickly, I make damn sure that I do it well. I make sure that my spelling is on point and that my formatting is perfect. I say it's because it's my reputation on the line. I don't want to be seen as the chick who doesn't write well and who does sloppy work. I hate that. But now I have to wade through clunsily written English, crazy formatting and those tiny mistakes that only I can find. Breathe in...... Breathe out..... I had to take a calming tablet at lunch time becuase I was so upset. That's why I've kind of given up on work at the moment. I am too calm. I'm kind of in a zombie state. My functioning is only at it's most basic. Yeah.... Strong shit I've taken. Wow....
So November begins tomorrow. My aunt arrives in the country next Monday. She will be here for approximately three weeks with her step-daughter. In the middle of the month, there is a friend of mine arriving from London. She's visiting her family and we've made plans to do drinks while she's here. And then at the end of the month, I'm off to Olwazini for the Assessor and Moderator training. I'm really looking forward to that. It's the first time this year that our entire team will be together and we'll probably have a bit of a year-end function at the same time. And wham! Before we even know it, it will be Christmas and New Years and 2012!!! I still can't believe how quickly this year has gone!
And I think that's all I have to say. I think. I'm sure I could ramble on but I won't.
Wednesday 26 October 2011
Mid-week...
It seems as though the heat has calmed down a little bit and I am very happy about that. Now all we need is some rain to wash away all the dust.
I sent him an email yesterday afternoon. There are a few things of his that I found when I was unpacking my stuff and I let him know that I have them. I asked him to please let me know how to go about in getting those things back to him. Part of me wants to see him agaion, to confirm that I am getting over him and that there is nothing left for us. But I am very aware of the possibility that he will not reply and I won't see him. And that is fine too. I sent that email out of common courtesy. That is all.
I was told at the office this morning that I am looking very good lately. Apparently I am more relaxed and looking healthy. That because I am more relaxed and healthy. There are few stresses in my life at the moment and I am taking better care of myself. I am eating well, sleeping well and grooming well. I am seeing myself in a more positive light and it shows. For the first time in a long time, I am feeling attractive. And it's not because there is someone telling me that I'm attractive. It's merely because I am believing it. Of course I still have days or moments where I doubt myself, but I am my own worst ciritic, so that is par for the course.
I have decided that I will be going to Cape Town for a few days over Easter next year and I am really looking forward to it. I have some good friends down there and it'll be great to go down there and enjoy myself. Also, because most of my department is now based in Cape Town, I will have more opportunities to go down there. Well, at least I hope I do. I am trying to get my boss to see the benefit of us having a team-building gathering in Cape Town. I'm sure I can get that organised!
I am planning on a quiet weekend this weekend. I can't really go shopping again. I spent a pretty penny on all kinds of nice goodies last weekend. It was something I hadn't done in ages, but it was so much fun! I think I might do some cleaning in my room, watch a few good movies and spend time with my kitties. I love having them in my room with me. Mika is always looking for attention from me and she is happy to lie next to me in bed and sleep. Frankie likes to watch me when I read at night. It's a little freaky, but so very sweet. She also likes to have conversations with me. Dime is still incredibly shy and nervous around me. But I am starting to see a slight change in him. He is starting to come out of his hiding place every evening when I am in the room. He doesn't get too close, but he'l watch me from a safe distance. I'm sure that he'll join the other two cats on the bed with me in no time.
Here are some photos of my babies.... I love them to bits!
I sent him an email yesterday afternoon. There are a few things of his that I found when I was unpacking my stuff and I let him know that I have them. I asked him to please let me know how to go about in getting those things back to him. Part of me wants to see him agaion, to confirm that I am getting over him and that there is nothing left for us. But I am very aware of the possibility that he will not reply and I won't see him. And that is fine too. I sent that email out of common courtesy. That is all.
I was told at the office this morning that I am looking very good lately. Apparently I am more relaxed and looking healthy. That because I am more relaxed and healthy. There are few stresses in my life at the moment and I am taking better care of myself. I am eating well, sleeping well and grooming well. I am seeing myself in a more positive light and it shows. For the first time in a long time, I am feeling attractive. And it's not because there is someone telling me that I'm attractive. It's merely because I am believing it. Of course I still have days or moments where I doubt myself, but I am my own worst ciritic, so that is par for the course.
I have decided that I will be going to Cape Town for a few days over Easter next year and I am really looking forward to it. I have some good friends down there and it'll be great to go down there and enjoy myself. Also, because most of my department is now based in Cape Town, I will have more opportunities to go down there. Well, at least I hope I do. I am trying to get my boss to see the benefit of us having a team-building gathering in Cape Town. I'm sure I can get that organised!
I am planning on a quiet weekend this weekend. I can't really go shopping again. I spent a pretty penny on all kinds of nice goodies last weekend. It was something I hadn't done in ages, but it was so much fun! I think I might do some cleaning in my room, watch a few good movies and spend time with my kitties. I love having them in my room with me. Mika is always looking for attention from me and she is happy to lie next to me in bed and sleep. Frankie likes to watch me when I read at night. It's a little freaky, but so very sweet. She also likes to have conversations with me. Dime is still incredibly shy and nervous around me. But I am starting to see a slight change in him. He is starting to come out of his hiding place every evening when I am in the room. He doesn't get too close, but he'l watch me from a safe distance. I'm sure that he'll join the other two cats on the bed with me in no time.
Here are some photos of my babies.... I love them to bits!
Mika loves to look at the world from a different angle!
And she does it to be cute!
Frankie is a little lady. This is her normal sitting position. And her normal facial expression!
Frankie just likes to sit and watch the crazy huumans do their crazy things!
Dime is difficult to photograph because he's all black!!!
And flash makes his eyes look like lazers!! Plus he doesn't like it very much!
Tuesday 25 October 2011
James Dean
"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today."
"If a man can bridge the gap between life and death, if he can live on after he's dead, then maybe he was a great man."
"Only the gentle are ever really strong"
Heatwave and No Busses
I got onto a Gautrain bus this morning from Menlyn to Hatfield. It was supposedly the early bus, but I still only made it to the station for my normal train at 6:37. The bus driver was very slow. Once on the train, the driver announced that there would be no busses running today and to please make alternative arrangements. Luckily a co-worker lives close to the Rosebank station and she was happy to swing by on her way onto the office to fetch me. I just think that if taxi drivers were smart, they would have been waiting outside the station, offering cheaper fares to get all these stranded commuters to work. But no. This is Africa, baby.
http://www.news24.com/SouthAfrica/News/Gautrain-buses-not-running-20111025
We are in the middle of a heatwave at the moment. It was a scorching 36 degrees in Pretoria yesterday and Joburg was at about 32 degrees. Being outside yesterday was like being in an oven. The air felt thick and I had trouble breathing. It was really horrible. The weather people say that it'll start cooling tomorrow. I love summer and I can deal with the heat, but over 30 degrees in Johannesburg is fucking hot! And I don't like how draining it is... It just makes me so tired during the day, but then I struggle to fall asleep at night because I can't get comfortable. It's weird, when I fall asleep, I need to have a bit of the duvet on me otherwise, I struggle to sleep. And with this heat, I don't want the duvet on me, so I have a situation. I wish I could sleep with the fan on, but it dries out my sinuses and I get a sore throat. So I just have to suck it up and deal with it.
The one nice thing about the heat is having that first, ice-cold beer when I get home. It is fucking amazing! I had two ice-cold beers last night and they were both delicious!
I realised this morning that it has been over 3 weeks since I last saw or spoke to him. I've been reading a few women's relationship books and they all say the same thing: If a man really wants you in his life, he will call. And it makes me sad because he hasn't. Not once.
Do I miss him? That's a tricky question. I miss the idealised version of him that I have buried in my heart. But if I ask my head that question and I answer it honestly and based on pure fact, then the answer is no.
What I do miss is the feeling of belonging to something. I miss sharing my life with someone. I miss the intimacy of being in a relationship. But one day I will have all of those things. I won't give myself away to the first guy that comes along. I will be sure that the next man to have me and my time is worth it. I am willing to give a lot in a relationship and the man I give all of that to must be willing to give the same.
I have not become a cynic. I still believe in love. I still believe in romance. I still believe in the knight in shining armour fairytale. I still believe that one day my prince will come.
http://www.news24.com/SouthAfrica/News/Gautrain-buses-not-running-20111025
We are in the middle of a heatwave at the moment. It was a scorching 36 degrees in Pretoria yesterday and Joburg was at about 32 degrees. Being outside yesterday was like being in an oven. The air felt thick and I had trouble breathing. It was really horrible. The weather people say that it'll start cooling tomorrow. I love summer and I can deal with the heat, but over 30 degrees in Johannesburg is fucking hot! And I don't like how draining it is... It just makes me so tired during the day, but then I struggle to fall asleep at night because I can't get comfortable. It's weird, when I fall asleep, I need to have a bit of the duvet on me otherwise, I struggle to sleep. And with this heat, I don't want the duvet on me, so I have a situation. I wish I could sleep with the fan on, but it dries out my sinuses and I get a sore throat. So I just have to suck it up and deal with it.
The one nice thing about the heat is having that first, ice-cold beer when I get home. It is fucking amazing! I had two ice-cold beers last night and they were both delicious!
I realised this morning that it has been over 3 weeks since I last saw or spoke to him. I've been reading a few women's relationship books and they all say the same thing: If a man really wants you in his life, he will call. And it makes me sad because he hasn't. Not once.
Do I miss him? That's a tricky question. I miss the idealised version of him that I have buried in my heart. But if I ask my head that question and I answer it honestly and based on pure fact, then the answer is no.
What I do miss is the feeling of belonging to something. I miss sharing my life with someone. I miss the intimacy of being in a relationship. But one day I will have all of those things. I won't give myself away to the first guy that comes along. I will be sure that the next man to have me and my time is worth it. I am willing to give a lot in a relationship and the man I give all of that to must be willing to give the same.
I have not become a cynic. I still believe in love. I still believe in romance. I still believe in the knight in shining armour fairytale. I still believe that one day my prince will come.
Monday 24 October 2011
Awesomeness Week
I have decided that this week is Awesomeness Week. I will be at my most awesomest self, and however has an issue with it can kiss my most awesomest ass.
On Friday afternoon, I had to do some shopping for toiletries and such so I went tot he big Pick 'n' Pay down the road. As we drove in, I thought I saw a grey Palio. And yes, there was a grey Palio parked there. It had three doors. And it had His number plate. He was there. He was in the store. I started sweating and then I realised that there was nothing I could do about it. All I could do was hope to not see him. I grabbed my shopping trolley and did my shopping at lightning speed, with my head down most of the time. I didn't see him and his car was gone by the time I left. Encounter averted!
I went out with Su from work on Friday night. We went to The Bohemian to watch Black Pimpin' Jesus, my friends. We had quite the adventure! First off, we got to a late start. I went to have some dinner with my folks and the restaurant was really busy and out food took almost an hour to come out.So everything was delayed by about an hour. I finally got to to Su's place in Kayalami, we had a glass of wine at her place and then off we went. I was driving my dad's car which he had loaned to me. On the M1 into town, we drove passed a bad accident that had happened on the other side of the highway. There was some debris on our side of the highway but neither of us thought much about it, it didn't really look like a lot. Next thing, the car starts driving funny and Su says we have a flat tyre. So I pull over and check. And there we were, on the side of the highway with a flat. What do we do? We start phoning all the men we knew. Not one of them answered. Not one. All of a sudden this car pulls over in front of us and we start to panic on account of the fact that we;re two women, on the side of the highway at night. Out jump four Indian guys and immediately I feel better. Indian guys are not particularly threatening. And they know cars. I know, I know, stereotyping, but seriously, stereotypes and cliches are that because they are true. They told us that they had driven by and that they had seen two guys in the bushes behind our car and that's why they came back. They pointed them out to us, and I flipped. Anything could have happened. Soon after, a white, unmarked car pulls up behind us and a guy in a cop uniform gets out and talks to those two guys in the bushes. They did not come to see if we were ok. Then all of them get into the unmarked car and drive away. Chances are, they were not cops. We got lucky when those Indian guys showed up, threw them off. So they change the tyre for us and they were very, very nice and helpful. It's good to know that there are people out there that give a shit.
So eventually we got to the Bohemian. Black Pimpin' Jesus was amazing! And *sigh* we met Freddie from Idols. He is divine!!! I didn't really dig him on the show, but he's a lot more delish in person. He has lovely lips.... *smile*
I went to the optometrist on Saturday for my follow up appointment and it turns out that my eyes are slowly dying because of my contact lenses. My eyes have not been getting enough oxygen and there are parts of my eye that are starting to die. If it grows and goes over my pupil, that's it for me eyesight. I will be blind. So I am wearing specs at the moment. It's the first time in about 4 years that I am wearing actual specs and it's freaking me out. My 3Dness is completely messed up at the moment. I reach for things and am either too short or over, I have tripped going up and down the stairs at home a few dozen times in the last 24 hours, the ground looks very far away and I'm a little nervous to walk in heels. Saturday afternoon and evening was the worst. I felt as though I was looking at everything through a fish-eye lens and it gave me a huge headache, coupled with some nausea. It was hectic. I slept a lot. I was actually quite depressed at the possibility of being blind. That's why I've given up on the contact lenses. I only have this one pair of eyes and I will die if I can't see. Seriously. I will die if I go blind.
My vision felt better when I got up on Sunday and I was able to bum around in Menlyn with my mom. I bought a few pretty things. Ok, I bought a lot of pretty things. And most importantly, I bought a piece of art! At Mr. Price Home, I got a photograph of the New York City skyline at night. It's gorgeous and it's now hanging over my bed. Now I can look up at it and feel as though I'm home. By the afternoon, I started feeling out of it again, headachey but less nauseous. So I slept some more and it was great. I think it's just that my eyes get tired of seeing so much. Oh yes, another important thing is that I have started taking a vitamin. I am starting to look after myself in every aspect. And it's good.
Yesterday I realised that I am starting to feel happy. Genuine and uncomplicated happiness. I have minimal worries. I am the most important person in my life and I make decisions that will benefit me first. I no longer have to worry about anyone else. I am free to be me.
I made a lot of mistakes in the last three and a half years. I can admit that now. I can do that because I have forgiven myself. I don't think of myself as stupid for making those mistakes. I see them as lessons now, lessons that I needed to learn. Lessons that will make me a stronger, better woman in the future. In fact, in the now. I no longer feel the need to please everyone around me. That's new. And I no longer want complicationsa nd drama in my life and I now know how to stay away from it. I am not allowing myself to become involved in situations that I don't want to be involved in. I am going out and doing the things that I want to do. And I am treating myself to pretty things. Those are things I never used to do. And they are now a part of me.
So awesomeness week has begun and I will continue to be awesome. I will not allow anyone to undermine me, to bring me down or to doubt myself.
That's that.
On Friday afternoon, I had to do some shopping for toiletries and such so I went tot he big Pick 'n' Pay down the road. As we drove in, I thought I saw a grey Palio. And yes, there was a grey Palio parked there. It had three doors. And it had His number plate. He was there. He was in the store. I started sweating and then I realised that there was nothing I could do about it. All I could do was hope to not see him. I grabbed my shopping trolley and did my shopping at lightning speed, with my head down most of the time. I didn't see him and his car was gone by the time I left. Encounter averted!
I went out with Su from work on Friday night. We went to The Bohemian to watch Black Pimpin' Jesus, my friends. We had quite the adventure! First off, we got to a late start. I went to have some dinner with my folks and the restaurant was really busy and out food took almost an hour to come out.So everything was delayed by about an hour. I finally got to to Su's place in Kayalami, we had a glass of wine at her place and then off we went. I was driving my dad's car which he had loaned to me. On the M1 into town, we drove passed a bad accident that had happened on the other side of the highway. There was some debris on our side of the highway but neither of us thought much about it, it didn't really look like a lot. Next thing, the car starts driving funny and Su says we have a flat tyre. So I pull over and check. And there we were, on the side of the highway with a flat. What do we do? We start phoning all the men we knew. Not one of them answered. Not one. All of a sudden this car pulls over in front of us and we start to panic on account of the fact that we;re two women, on the side of the highway at night. Out jump four Indian guys and immediately I feel better. Indian guys are not particularly threatening. And they know cars. I know, I know, stereotyping, but seriously, stereotypes and cliches are that because they are true. They told us that they had driven by and that they had seen two guys in the bushes behind our car and that's why they came back. They pointed them out to us, and I flipped. Anything could have happened. Soon after, a white, unmarked car pulls up behind us and a guy in a cop uniform gets out and talks to those two guys in the bushes. They did not come to see if we were ok. Then all of them get into the unmarked car and drive away. Chances are, they were not cops. We got lucky when those Indian guys showed up, threw them off. So they change the tyre for us and they were very, very nice and helpful. It's good to know that there are people out there that give a shit.
So eventually we got to the Bohemian. Black Pimpin' Jesus was amazing! And *sigh* we met Freddie from Idols. He is divine!!! I didn't really dig him on the show, but he's a lot more delish in person. He has lovely lips.... *smile*
I went to the optometrist on Saturday for my follow up appointment and it turns out that my eyes are slowly dying because of my contact lenses. My eyes have not been getting enough oxygen and there are parts of my eye that are starting to die. If it grows and goes over my pupil, that's it for me eyesight. I will be blind. So I am wearing specs at the moment. It's the first time in about 4 years that I am wearing actual specs and it's freaking me out. My 3Dness is completely messed up at the moment. I reach for things and am either too short or over, I have tripped going up and down the stairs at home a few dozen times in the last 24 hours, the ground looks very far away and I'm a little nervous to walk in heels. Saturday afternoon and evening was the worst. I felt as though I was looking at everything through a fish-eye lens and it gave me a huge headache, coupled with some nausea. It was hectic. I slept a lot. I was actually quite depressed at the possibility of being blind. That's why I've given up on the contact lenses. I only have this one pair of eyes and I will die if I can't see. Seriously. I will die if I go blind.
My vision felt better when I got up on Sunday and I was able to bum around in Menlyn with my mom. I bought a few pretty things. Ok, I bought a lot of pretty things. And most importantly, I bought a piece of art! At Mr. Price Home, I got a photograph of the New York City skyline at night. It's gorgeous and it's now hanging over my bed. Now I can look up at it and feel as though I'm home. By the afternoon, I started feeling out of it again, headachey but less nauseous. So I slept some more and it was great. I think it's just that my eyes get tired of seeing so much. Oh yes, another important thing is that I have started taking a vitamin. I am starting to look after myself in every aspect. And it's good.
Yesterday I realised that I am starting to feel happy. Genuine and uncomplicated happiness. I have minimal worries. I am the most important person in my life and I make decisions that will benefit me first. I no longer have to worry about anyone else. I am free to be me.
I made a lot of mistakes in the last three and a half years. I can admit that now. I can do that because I have forgiven myself. I don't think of myself as stupid for making those mistakes. I see them as lessons now, lessons that I needed to learn. Lessons that will make me a stronger, better woman in the future. In fact, in the now. I no longer feel the need to please everyone around me. That's new. And I no longer want complicationsa nd drama in my life and I now know how to stay away from it. I am not allowing myself to become involved in situations that I don't want to be involved in. I am going out and doing the things that I want to do. And I am treating myself to pretty things. Those are things I never used to do. And they are now a part of me.
So awesomeness week has begun and I will continue to be awesome. I will not allow anyone to undermine me, to bring me down or to doubt myself.
That's that.
Friday 21 October 2011
The weekend is close.... I can taste it...
It's been a very hectic week and I'm glad it's over.
I had a seriously sore neck and back yesterday, but thanks to some pain medication and some good sleep, I am feeling a lot better today. The Friday feeling also helps!
I feel like going out tonight. There's some cool bands playing at the Bohemian and I'd love to go see them! It'll be good to go out and do something different.
All I have to do now is get through the day.... I'm hoping that time plays along!
Oh yes, this is my 100th post! Yayness!!!
I had a seriously sore neck and back yesterday, but thanks to some pain medication and some good sleep, I am feeling a lot better today. The Friday feeling also helps!
I feel like going out tonight. There's some cool bands playing at the Bohemian and I'd love to go see them! It'll be good to go out and do something different.
All I have to do now is get through the day.... I'm hoping that time plays along!
Oh yes, this is my 100th post! Yayness!!!
Tuesday 18 October 2011
Anti-Man Rant... You have been warned...
What. The. Fuck.
Seriously, what the fuck is it with today's men that they have turned out to be such a bunch of fucking dickheads???? God!!!!!
It makes me so fucking angry when I hear my best friend crying on the phone because she and her man are over. She did everything for him and the spoilt brat has nothing good to say. The fucking ASSHOLE!!!
Why are men such fucking pussies?!?!?!?
Why are men prepared to sit back and let their women do EVERYTHING for them and the still fucking get upset about it?!?!?!?
Fuck this, I can't even express how angry I am right now!!!
Seriously, what the fuck is it with today's men that they have turned out to be such a bunch of fucking dickheads???? God!!!!!
It makes me so fucking angry when I hear my best friend crying on the phone because she and her man are over. She did everything for him and the spoilt brat has nothing good to say. The fucking ASSHOLE!!!
Why are men such fucking pussies?!?!?!?
Why are men prepared to sit back and let their women do EVERYTHING for them and the still fucking get upset about it?!?!?!?
Fuck this, I can't even express how angry I am right now!!!
Chilly Day
It's cold and windy out there today.... The wind has been imported from Cape Town. My co-workers there have said that they don't have any wind today!
And it's cold too. I don't like it.
I'd much rather be at home, in my bed, sipping on a hot cup of tea, watching girly movies, sleeping, reading, eating... Not sitting at my desk at work.
Grrrr....
And it's cold too. I don't like it.
I'd much rather be at home, in my bed, sipping on a hot cup of tea, watching girly movies, sleeping, reading, eating... Not sitting at my desk at work.
Grrrr....
Monday 17 October 2011
The Truth Will Set You Free...
Apparently I wanted to marry him and have his babies and I was forcing him to change his ways.
Apparently I took furniture that we owned together and I refused to discuss it with him and demanded that I take it.
Apparently he wrote off HIS car last year.
None of this is true.
Those who know me will know this.
Those who believe him are not worth my time.
The truth is that I didn't know what I wanted, so I just went with the flow. His flow. All the time. I changed for him. I tried to be the person I thought he wanted. I was wrong. I should have been true to myself and left much earlier. I won't make that same mistake again.
Am I pissed off? Fuck yes.
I'm pissed off at myself for allowing myself to be fucked over.
And I'm pissed off with him for going right ahead.
And fuck the world if they think they can tell me to not be pissed off. I wasted three years on that fucking loser. I changed who I was for that idiot. I gave him everything and he just kept taking. And I let him.
I was there for him when he was fucking unemployed. I worked my ass off to keep a roof over his head and food in his belly and to clean and make a home while he just sat there, like a miserable loser. I allowed him to do sweet fuckall.
And the worst part is that when I needed him to step up and BE A MAN, he didn't.
All I needed was for him to be a fucking man. A real man.
He's just a boy with facial hair.
Apparently I took furniture that we owned together and I refused to discuss it with him and demanded that I take it.
Apparently he wrote off HIS car last year.
None of this is true.
Those who know me will know this.
Those who believe him are not worth my time.
The truth is that I didn't know what I wanted, so I just went with the flow. His flow. All the time. I changed for him. I tried to be the person I thought he wanted. I was wrong. I should have been true to myself and left much earlier. I won't make that same mistake again.
Am I pissed off? Fuck yes.
I'm pissed off at myself for allowing myself to be fucked over.
And I'm pissed off with him for going right ahead.
And fuck the world if they think they can tell me to not be pissed off. I wasted three years on that fucking loser. I changed who I was for that idiot. I gave him everything and he just kept taking. And I let him.
I was there for him when he was fucking unemployed. I worked my ass off to keep a roof over his head and food in his belly and to clean and make a home while he just sat there, like a miserable loser. I allowed him to do sweet fuckall.
And the worst part is that when I needed him to step up and BE A MAN, he didn't.
All I needed was for him to be a fucking man. A real man.
He's just a boy with facial hair.
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man
This weekend I read a book. Reading a book is not particularly news-worthy, but the fact that I read a book, start to finish, in the space of one weekend.... That's the news-worthy bit. I haven't done that in years!
I read "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" by comedian Steve Harvey. He talks about the signs that men give when they are serious about a relationship and what women should do to ensure that she gets the right man. There were a lot of hard truths in that book. I kept thinking back to my relationship with him, trying to see what was wrong with our relationship. Yes, there were things that I did wrong, and there were things that he did wrong. But the good thing is that after reading this book, I am getting an idea as to what I want out of a man. That was probably my biggest mistake with him. I didn't know what I wanted, so I was pretty much willing to accept anything. And while I thought it was a forever relationship, there were signs. According to this book, a man who is serious will do the three P's... Profess, Provide and Protect.
Profess: A man who is serious, will let the world know that the woman he is with is his. She will be introduced as his girlfriend, his lady, his fiance. He used to do that at first. But the one thing that he never did was let the entire world know. How? He never changed his Facebook relationship status to "In a relationship". It can be seen as petty, but if he was really serious about being in a relationship, he would have done it. Especially after I asked him to.
Provide: Yes, a real man will provide for his lady and will feel incredibly inadequate when he is not able to do so. He was unemployed last year, and I was the sole breadwinner. And yes, he was depressed. But it was more because he couldn't provide for himself because if he did ever get any money, it was spent on making him feel better first.
Protect: A real man who loves his woman will protect her. I had issues with my parents while we were together and even though he said he would talk to them, tell them to back off, he never actually did it. But then again, he said a lot of things.
The book also explains that if a man does not have a good relationship with his mother, he will most likely not be a good partner. Why? Because a mother-son relationship is the first male-female relationship that every man is faced with. And it's the simplest. It's a relationship with the woman who gave this man life and who nurtured him. Sure, he's adopted. But then, I feel, his relationship with his adoptive mother should have been even stronger because she wanted a child so badly that she was willing to raise another woman's baby as her own. But no, he speaks of his mother as if she's some lesser being. He says she's not particularly smart, that she's flighty, that she doesn't understand things. And it reminds me of how he used to question everything I did, as if I was a functioning retard.
The book also says that when a real man is faced with losing the woman he loves, he will do WHATEVER it takes to get her back, to save the relationship. If she wants him to climb to the top of Mount Everest to prove his love, he will fucking do it in record time. He will walk on water if that what it will take to get his woman back. That's what made me the most sad. Because he didn't. He didn't even try. He didn't even ask me what it would take. Why? Because he didn't care.
My mistake, in not knowing what I wanted, was that I couldn't tell him from day one what my deal was. I didn't know if I wanted a casual realtionship, or a long-term relationship. I just went with the flow. If I had known, I would have been able to tell exactly what I wanted and if he would have had to decide if that's what he wanted or not. He would have had to decide if he wanted to put in the time and effort.
But now I'm starting to realise what I want in general:
I want a long-term, committed relationship. Doesn't have to be marriage. But most definately a marriage of the heart.
I want to have kids.
I want a man who makes significantly more money than me. He doesn't have to be stinking rich, but he must be able to provide for me. He must be the financial provider. Non-negotiable.
I want a man who is already on the path to acheiving his dreams. I can't be with a man who is all talk and no action.
He must have a good relationship with his family. Non-negotiable.
He must have a variety of interests. None of this "I don't do daytime stuff" or "I'm a night person only". I like going out in the evenings, but I also like doing things during the day.
I want a real man. That's pretty much it.
I've made my mistakes and I've learnt from them.
I read "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" by comedian Steve Harvey. He talks about the signs that men give when they are serious about a relationship and what women should do to ensure that she gets the right man. There were a lot of hard truths in that book. I kept thinking back to my relationship with him, trying to see what was wrong with our relationship. Yes, there were things that I did wrong, and there were things that he did wrong. But the good thing is that after reading this book, I am getting an idea as to what I want out of a man. That was probably my biggest mistake with him. I didn't know what I wanted, so I was pretty much willing to accept anything. And while I thought it was a forever relationship, there were signs. According to this book, a man who is serious will do the three P's... Profess, Provide and Protect.
Profess: A man who is serious, will let the world know that the woman he is with is his. She will be introduced as his girlfriend, his lady, his fiance. He used to do that at first. But the one thing that he never did was let the entire world know. How? He never changed his Facebook relationship status to "In a relationship". It can be seen as petty, but if he was really serious about being in a relationship, he would have done it. Especially after I asked him to.
Provide: Yes, a real man will provide for his lady and will feel incredibly inadequate when he is not able to do so. He was unemployed last year, and I was the sole breadwinner. And yes, he was depressed. But it was more because he couldn't provide for himself because if he did ever get any money, it was spent on making him feel better first.
Protect: A real man who loves his woman will protect her. I had issues with my parents while we were together and even though he said he would talk to them, tell them to back off, he never actually did it. But then again, he said a lot of things.
The book also explains that if a man does not have a good relationship with his mother, he will most likely not be a good partner. Why? Because a mother-son relationship is the first male-female relationship that every man is faced with. And it's the simplest. It's a relationship with the woman who gave this man life and who nurtured him. Sure, he's adopted. But then, I feel, his relationship with his adoptive mother should have been even stronger because she wanted a child so badly that she was willing to raise another woman's baby as her own. But no, he speaks of his mother as if she's some lesser being. He says she's not particularly smart, that she's flighty, that she doesn't understand things. And it reminds me of how he used to question everything I did, as if I was a functioning retard.
The book also says that when a real man is faced with losing the woman he loves, he will do WHATEVER it takes to get her back, to save the relationship. If she wants him to climb to the top of Mount Everest to prove his love, he will fucking do it in record time. He will walk on water if that what it will take to get his woman back. That's what made me the most sad. Because he didn't. He didn't even try. He didn't even ask me what it would take. Why? Because he didn't care.
My mistake, in not knowing what I wanted, was that I couldn't tell him from day one what my deal was. I didn't know if I wanted a casual realtionship, or a long-term relationship. I just went with the flow. If I had known, I would have been able to tell exactly what I wanted and if he would have had to decide if that's what he wanted or not. He would have had to decide if he wanted to put in the time and effort.
But now I'm starting to realise what I want in general:
I want a long-term, committed relationship. Doesn't have to be marriage. But most definately a marriage of the heart.
I want to have kids.
I want a man who makes significantly more money than me. He doesn't have to be stinking rich, but he must be able to provide for me. He must be the financial provider. Non-negotiable.
I want a man who is already on the path to acheiving his dreams. I can't be with a man who is all talk and no action.
He must have a good relationship with his family. Non-negotiable.
He must have a variety of interests. None of this "I don't do daytime stuff" or "I'm a night person only". I like going out in the evenings, but I also like doing things during the day.
I want a real man. That's pretty much it.
I've made my mistakes and I've learnt from them.
Friday 14 October 2011
Wise Words for the Weekend
"You have enemies? Good. That means you've
stood up for something in your life"
- Winston Churchill
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