New Year's Resolutions

Here are my resolutions for 2012:

• To give up smoking some time during the year
• To live an uncomplicated life
• To be successful at work
• To be happy
• To learn from the lessons I learned in 2011
• To use Facebook less
• To get closure on certain aspects of my life

I am glad that 2011 is almost over. I have spent the last few days reflecting on what was, on what could have been and how how the events of the year have changed my life. I am eternally thankful for my family and for the friends who have stood by be through what has probably been the most difficult year of my life.

Happy New Year everyone!

A Wish...

Last night I went out for dinner with my friend G. She is flying back to Nigeria tomorrow and we decided to have one last catch-up. It was good and we decided that we are going to India in 2013 for the IPL. Definately something to look forward to!

I am kind of miserable at the moment. The Advocate got back from his holiday at the beginning of this week and he had said that we would get together before he leaves for his all-boys road trip on Saturday. It is now Thursday and we still have not gotten together. I sent him an sms yesterday asking how he's doing but I got no reply. This afternoon I got a missed call from him, so I sent him an sms asking what's up and again, I have received no reply. So now I'm pissed off. Is not replying the new norm? What the hell happened to common decency? I highly doubt that he'll call tomorrow. And that means that I'm done. This is proving to be too complicated for me at the moment and complicated is the last thing I need. All I want is an uncomplicated life. And if that means being on my own, so be it. I actually shed a few tears today. It's very fitting, seeing as I spent the entire year crying. But the crying ends with 2011. I am not going to cry over some man next year. That is the resolution that I intend on keeping, come hell or high water.

There are only two days left of this most fucked up year. I am glad it's almost over. Next year is the year that I concentrate on being in a relationship with myself. I will be the most important person in my life. That's the way it has to be.

Bring on 2012 - The Year of Me!

Merry Fuckin' Christmas

You know what I love about Christmas?

I love putting myself out there, asking my sister for a reconciliation and then having her roll her eyes at the thought. It made my fucking day.

We did the gift opening last night and I wrote an apology in a card for my sister. I apologised for all the shit that we have gone through in the last few years. I told her that I love her and I miss her and I want my sister back. She read the card with a blank expression, kind of rolled her eyes and then put it to one side. She said nothing. She did nothing. So yeah. Fucking awesome.

I cried myself to sleep last night.

Merry fucking Christmas.

The Start of the Holidays...

The holidays started off quietly for me. I spent Friday watching the cricket on TV and it was very good. I had kind of given up on the Advocate, but he invited me to a braai at his place on Saturday with his friends and it was really nice. He has awesome friends and he made sure that I was comfortable and all that. I spent Sunday chilling at home. Same thing today. I might do some pool-side reading later. And the Christmas shopping will get done on Wednesday. I should start working on my PoE for my Assessor and Moderator course but I want to have a few days of relaxation before starting with that. Although, this morning I realised that I might not do anything at all.... Oh well. I'll just see how it goes.

I will make it my mission this week to get the house in the Christmas spirit. I'll put up the tree and get a few decorations up. My mom doesn't really like Christmas, but I do! I had even thought of doing some baking but it's a little too hot for that. But I'll probably take ove the kitchen a few times over the holidays. Yes. I think that's a good idea. I think I'll start looking at some recipes for inspiration. I really love cooking. It's fun!

Right. Time to relax some more!!!

Interesting Article

Most of these characteristics sound like the ex... Freaky...

http://www.health24.com/mind/Psychopaths/1284-4393,50400.asp

2011 – A Year in Review

This is my personal retrospect on the year.

The year did not start off well. My father was very ill over the holidays and I was not able to go to Cape Town to be there. It caused a lot of problems with my family. I also experienced some home issues in the first week of the year with a geyser bursting in the ceiling and the water causing some extensive damage. Luckily that all got fixed rather quickly and without major hassle.

February was another bad month. My mom was very ill. She had septicaemia and was in ICU. The doctor that treated her said that she could have died. Even though my relationship with my parents had been rocky, I was devastated. Towards the end of February, I spent a few days in Cape Town to look after my mom. She was doing much better but still needed a lot of help. My dad went on a business trip to Germany to interview for a new job and I was there to look after my mom.

The next few months went by in a bit of a haze. My dad got the job that he had interviewed for and that meant that my parents were moving back to Pretoria. It made me very happy as we had reconnected a little due to my mom’s illness. The ex decided at some stage that we could no longer travel from Pretoria to Joburg every day so he said we had to find a place to move into as quickly as possible. We were very close to moving into a house with a co-worker of his, but I put my foot down, reminding him that he had always said that he didn’t want to share a place. The move didn’t happen, but he was not happy.

My parent moved back to Pretoria in the beginning of April. I saw them a few times and I always felt really refreshed and happy after the visits. Of course, the ex hated it and we would have a fight over something stupid. I wasn’t happy and it showed.

A few days before my birthday in June, I took a pregnancy test as I was late. It came back positive. I went to the doctor and took a blood test. That came back positive too. I didn’t know what to do. All I knew was that I had to tell him. That evening was one of the worst nights of my life. He wanted me to get an abortion. I said no. And then I threw some clothes in a bag and spent three nights at my parents’ house.  I spent my birthday with him, believing his promise that we would talk. That never happened. Instead, five days after my birthday, a huge fight broke out and it ended with me going to the flat that we shared with my dad, taking some more clothes and my cats out of there and moving back home for good. I can’t go into too much of the detail. Even though it has been over 5 months, the details of the break-up still leave a bad taste in my mouth.

July started with me moving out of the flat I shared with the ex. Our relationship was over. And then I lost my baby. I was devastated. I spent most of that month on sick leave, spending my days at home, crying and depressed. When I eventually got back to work, I contacted our Wellness department and started seeing a psychologist to help me deal with things. My sessions with her helped me so much. During August and part of September, I truly believed that we could fix our relationship. I would see him occasionally and I told him that I wanted us to get back together and fix things. I never got anything in return. He was fine to have me over whenever it suited him, to try get me back into bed (thank goodness I was strong in that sense) and to leave me hanging. Eventually, I gave up and I made plans to move the rest of my furniture out of the flat that I no longer felt was mine.

October 2011... I started that month with moving my things out of the flat and into storage. It was dramatic and emotional. It was also the last time I saw the ex. I felt so numb afterwards. Again, I don’t want to go into details. It’s all documented here.  Since then, I have been finding myself. I have been truly free of him. I know that I left the relationship in order to protect my baby. Even though she is no longer with me, I think she served her purpose.... To get me away from a relationship that was sick and dangerous. I will meet my little angel one day when I am very old, and I will thank her. She saved my life.

The last few months, I have had some fleeting communication with the ex, but I have not seen him. I wanted to return some things of his that I had accidentally taken while he tried to get together for a drink and smoke. It’s never happened. I unfriended him on Facebook, blocked him on Twitter and deleted every email he had ever sent me. I removed all his photos from my cell phone and my computer. It’s as though he never existed. I have a small bag of things that belong to him. I have no longer feel the need to get those things to him personally and the plan is to make a package out of them and leave them with security at his complex. I don’t want any traces of him and my time with him when 2012 rolls around.

My relationship with my parents is better. They took me in when I had nowhere else to go and they have supported me and stood by me in my darkest hours. I owe them my life. I realised not so long ago that I don’t have very many friends left and I am starting to make new ones (or re-connect with very old friends). I was in hiding for a very long time, and I am finally feeling more confident and now I’m going out a little.

My health is improving. I was very thin and sickly when I was with him. Now I am looking and feeling healthier (and a little heavier!) My confidence is showing more and more every day. I am becoming more and more of the person I remember being before he came into my life. And for the first time in years, I am spoiling myself. I buy clothes and shoes and whatever I see in the shops that I want. I am spending money on me and I’m loving it.

My outlook on life is improving too. I was depressed. I thought that my life was over and some small part of me wanted to give up and die. But I didn’t give up. And for the first time in probably over a year, I feel happy. I feel happy in the simplest of terms. I am happy because I am free. I am happy because I didn’t give up. I am happy because I’m alive. I still believe in romance. I still believe that I will meet a wonderful man who will love me for me. I believe that he is out there, looking for me and that he will fight for me. I believe that he will sweep me off my feet and that he will show me that all men are not made the same.

So, my year was traumatic to say the least. There were a lot of moments where I thought I couldn’t go on. But I persevered. And I’m winning. I can honestly say that I’ve learned a huge lesson this year. It wasn’t an easy one. And I know that I won’t make the same mistake again. I plan on shedding all the negative energy that 2011 has given me so that I can start 2012 on a positive, happy and healthy note.

I’ve been to hell.

I’ve come back.

There’s no stopping me now.

A Very Special Day

Today is a special day for a number of reasons.

1. It is my five-year anniversary at Nedbank. There have been good times and bad times, but I have grown as a person and as a professional. I have met many amazing people along the way who have taught me so much about business and about myself. Next year, my department will face some new challenges and I am really looking forward to it!

2. It is my last working day of 2011! After a long, emotional, crazy year, I am finally going on a well-deserved break. It is time for me to reflect on all that has happened and to celebrate the good that has come from all of the turmoil. And it is also time to get some rest so that I am able to be the best version of me in 2012!

3. The first test between South Africa and Sri Lanka starts in Centurion today. I am really looking forward to watching some good cricket. Hopefully, I will be able to go to SuperSport Park to watch, but I am also perfectly happy to have the game on the TV at home.

I have decided that if I do not see the Advocate before the end of this weekend, I will have to do the right thing and move away from the hope that there could be something there. I just think that it's taking him too long to get it together and I do not have time to waste.

Now I have a few last minute things to do before going on leave. I hope the day goes quickly!

Inspiration





Two Days...

Tomorrow is the last day of work for 2011.... I'm so excited I could scream!!!

I chatted to the Advocate yesterday and he might go to the cricket this weekend. I told him to let me know if he's going because I want to go too. I don't really have anyone to go with. My dad said he won't go on account of the fact that he doesn't have a clue. So it would be very nice to go with someone who knows more about the game than me! So here's hoping!

Ok, I need to get some food in my belly and then make my way through this day!

Three Days...

After much wine and some good sleep, I did the only thing that I could do to the ex's email. I deleted it. And now I am at peace.

This morning, the Gautrain was a complete nightmare and I got to work 15 minutes late. At first, we were told that the line between Sandton and Rosebank was not working and that there would be a bus service. Then the train stopped at Centurion for about 10 minutes and then again just before the Marlboro station. It was very annoying but I thought it would all be ok when the announcement came that the train would run to Rosebank after all as the problem had been fixed. Except that when we got to Rosebank, the bus to take us to town wasn't there and we had another 10 minute wait. Very, very frustrating!

The good part is that there are only 3 working days left and I can't wait! I can't remember the last time I was so excited about being on leave! I'm not even going anywhere.... I'm just going to be at home!!! It's going to be great!

Decision: Made!

So I have made my decision.... The ex will NOT be getting a reply from me. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.

Why?

Because FUCK HIM. That's why.

I don't know who he thinks he is, but nobody, I mean, NOBODY does what he did to me and then gets to be my friend.

I might not have a lot of friends, but I sure as hell do not need or want his friendship.

That is all.

Thank you.

Almost Done...

The year is almost over and I can't wait to go on leave for a couple weeks and just relax as much as is humanly possible! It's been a rough and crazy year and I'll be glad to see the end of it.

Yesterday, a group of us from work went to the Carnivore restaurant in Muldersdrift, close to Olwazini, for a Christmas lunch. It was a lot of fun and it was good to hang out with work friends outside of the office. I spent the night at Susi's house and we had a very girly sleep-over. Today we are all back at the office for our last four days of work. No one has energy any more and we are all ready to go on leave. We've all had a hectic year and we deserve a break!

So this morning, I checked my email and I got an email from the ex yesterday. It didn't go into my regular inbox, but rather to my spam box because I had deleted all his emails from my gmail. He says he hopes things are going well and that he just wanted to pop in to say hi. What the hell??? I don't get it. Why does he not just leave me alone? Was he feeling lonely and wanting me to pander to his fucking depression? I'm not going to reply. I have nothing to say to him. We have nothing to talk about, and I have no desire to see him, thank you very much. Ugh, he infuriates me.

And now I am going to go drink some tea to calm myself down.

Rainy Day...

The rain has been coming down since last night. It's lovely! I would, however, prefer to be in bed instead of sitting at the office. This is not out-and-about weather!

We are trying to organise a private year-end function with a few select people at the office, but it is not going well. The chosen restaurant is too expensive for some people so moods are low. I did my part and sent through a long list of options, so now I will wait for them to decide.

I have decided to do my year in review entry soon. It means that I'll be looking back at everything that has happened, which may be a little draining. It'll take a few days to put together.

The weather report says that this rain is going to stay with us all weekend, so it is my plan to spend as much of it as possible asleep in my bed. Nice! Obviously, it would be nice to spend time with the Advocate, but it's not likely. But one can alwyas hope that he'll call and say that he's in town. I need to be patient. I don't want to find myself moving too fast into a relationship again. Slow and steady... That the plan.

I am really not in the mood to work today. I'm just yawning like crazy and thinking how nice it would be to be under my duvet! It's the perfect weather for doing a whole lot of nothing!!!

The Final Countdown!!!

In exactly one week, I will be sitting at my desk for the last day of work this year. And I can't wait!!! I am going to relax so hard, it's going to hurt!!!

So yesterday I got home and went to work on getting some rest. I went to bed early and got a lot of good sleep. As lovely as it was to sleep with someone on Wednesday night, I realise that I've gotten used to sleeping alone in my own bed! But that's not to say that I'm going to stick with sleeping alone in my own bed. The benefits of sharing a bed are very high. Hee hee, my muscles are quite sore still. But every time I feel that bit of hurt, I smile because of the reason behind it. I just can't describe it.... I'm happy. Simply happy and I don't care who knows it.

Tomorrow is Friday, thank goodness and time for more relaxing! I'm supposed to go to a show at the State Theatre on Saturday, but I'll see how that goes. I just plan on being in as much of a vegetative state as possible!

However, if there is an invitation from a certain someone, I will gladly do that :-)

6 days to go

Last night I was with the Advocate and it was good. Very, very good. But today I have been very, very tired. I can't wait to get home and get into my bed.

There are 6 days left until I go on leave and I really feel like I need it. I need the rest. It has been a very hectic year and I need to unwind, relax and take it easy. I plan on sleeping a lot. As much as possible!!! And if I can perhaps see the Advocate, that'll make me very happy.

I'm just counting down the hours until I can get home. Just need sleep!!!

9 Days and Counting...

Last week I attended the Assesor and Moderator course at Olwazini. It was very intense, lots of work was covered in a few days and there is still more work to be done in the form of two Protfolios of Evidence. So guess what I'll most likely be doing while I'm on leave... Yip... Work, work and more work.

On Thursday, our restructure became official. Our team is now 100% part of Human Resources: Learning and Development. And so, my boss' new boss came through to Olwazini to celebrate. And celebrate we did!!! Lots of drinks and shooters and dancing and midnight swims. Unfortunately, there was also the awkwardness of the married guy trying to get into the pants of all the single ladies. Not cool. Not cool at all. But we all had a pact to not let the jerk get his jollies. And so he went home disappointed. I really think it's uncool to expect that from colleagues. Especially when everyone knows that you're married and that your wife is pregnant. Sis on you!

I got home on Friday afternoon and decided that I wanted to go to the Bohemian to see The Black Cat Bone and Juggernaught. I asked the Advocate if he was available, but he was unfortunately being dad. So I went off on my own and met up with Jessie when I got there. It was well worth it. I had an awesome time!!! Dancing and drinks and shooters and tons of fun!

Needless to say, I spent the rest of the weekend chilling. Two nights in a row was rather hectic for me!

Now I am back at work, with only 9 working days left. I can't wait to be on leave and just spend some time relaxing. And working on my portfolios, yes.

I did something over the weekend and it has left me feeling as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I deleted evey sms, evey photo and every video featuring the ex from my phone. They are all gone. I thought it would hurt and that I would cry over it, but I didn't. I feel fine. Perhaps I am closer to healed than what I imagined. It's a great feeling. Before Christmas, I want to be rid of those things of his that are still in that bag in my closet. I've decided that if I can't deliver them personally, I will wrap them up in brown paper or something, mark it clearly and leave it with the security guards at his complex. I refuse to have any reminders of him in my possession when 2012 rolls round. I want to start the new year fresh and happy. And that's what I'm going to do.

9 Days to go!!!! Woop!!!

Better...

Yesterday was not a good day but I am feeling a lot better today. I spent my afternoon yesterday in my bedroom, watching movie after movie with my kitties for company. It was good. I think I just needed the time alone to just be me.

Today I am just getting all my things together because I am driving through to Olwazini this evening and I'll be spending the week there. I can't wait.

Emotional Surgery

I wish I could be happy every day. I wish I could lay out all of my emotions and get rid of all the bad ones... all the sadness, all the self-doubt, all the hurt. I'm having one of those days where i want to get back into bed and fucking cry myself into oblivion. I feel so incredibly lonely at the moment. I feel as though I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. I am remembering all the pain. And I'm feeling like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I need for someone to help me. I need to be made to feel that I am beautiful and smart and worth it. There's only so much I can tell myself. I need someone else to tell me too.

I feel like the saddest girl in the world right now.

Weekendness

I have been off work since yesterday. I took my aunt and cousin to the Lion Park and then to Croc City to show them some animals. It was a lot of fun. We touched lion cubs, fed some giraffes, played with some bearded dragons, an albino Burmese python, a corn snake, a baby crocodile and a Chilean Rose tarantula. Yes, lots of creepy animals and it was so cool! We also went to see a cultural dance which was pretty cool. It was a long day but it was so worth it!

Today we had to get up very early to go to the airport as they were heading back to Chile. I have decided that I am going to save my money so that I can go to Chile at the end of next year. I want to go for three weeks. I haven't been since 1997 so it's time for me to go again. After going to the airport, my mom and I got onto the Gautrain and spent the morning in Sandton. I bought some new clothes and I am very happy with my purchases. But shopping is very tiring!

I am going off to Olwazini to attend the Assessor and Moderator training and I will be there for the week. So now I need to get all my laundry done and sorted.

Tonight is the Wolmer Rock Show and I've played with the idea of going, but I know that I won't go. The main reason is that I do not want to go alone because I know that the ex will be there and I am not strong enough to bump into him on my own. It will just be too weird.

Speaking of aloneness, I get the feeling that I will be spending tonight at home, on my own once again. I had a bit of an sms chat with the Advocate on Wednesday night and it was weird. So despite that him saying last weekend that we might hang out, I doubt that it will happen. So yeah. Yay fucking yay for the single life.

So I'm pretty tired from the last two days of activities and when I got home, I thought of taking a nap. While I was lying on my bed, I decided not to take a nap because it would mean that I'd be awake until whatever time tonight, hating the fact that I'm at home. So instead, I am going to stay awake for now and go to bed early so that I can have an early start tomorrow. I have a few things to do so I might as well focus on that and not on the fact that I'm not hearing from the Advocate. But still, it's a sting that I do not appreciate. I am still bruised and fragile and it would be nice if that was pandered to just a little bit. I'm just saying... It would be nice.

It's MY Friday!!!

I am in a delighfully good mood today as it is my last day of work for the week!!! I am on leave tomorrow and Friday, and then I am spending all of next week at Olwazini on the Assessor and Moderator training. It's going to be a lot of hard work but I am looking forward to it.

I was not feeling well all day yesterday. I was nauseous and dizzy. Rather horrible. Today I am feeling a lot better, thank goodness!

The heat has finally calmed down and we have gone to the other extreme. This week has been cold and wet. It is so cloudy today that I don't have a view from my desk any more. It's just all clouds. Luckily I don't have to catch the bus and train home today in this weather because my dad is coming to fetch me. We are going to Lanseria as he is flying to Cape Town this afternoon. Tomorrow, I'll take my aunt and cousin to the Lion Park which is close by and we'll fetch my dad from there once he lands. I'm just hoping the weather is not too bad so we can see the lions. My aunt and cousin are flying back on Friday morning but I think I will stay home and get some sleep. I need it! And this weekend I need to get my things organised for my week away from home. I need toiletries and goodies.

I am hoping to see the Advocate before I leave on Sunday. It will be nice to hang out.... So we'll see what happens.

Monday Blues

It has been an insanely hectic day at the office today and I'm glad that I'm leaving in a few minutes. There has been so much drama here today. The energy is so bad and it's making my head hurt.

I am going out tonight with my friend G for a few catch-up drinks. She's in Pretoria for a few days so we have to do a catch-up!

So I am going to leave the office just now and make my way home. Hopefully by the time I get there, I will be rid of all the negative vibes around me. Luckily I am only working for two more days before I have a four-day weekend!!! I can't wait. It's going to be like a mini holiday!

Weekend Roundup

Friday night was rather horrible. I spent the evening at home on my own. I watched TV and hated every second of it. I felt so lonely. I spent my Saturday morning doing laundry and cleaning up. And I watched about 4 hours of America's Got Talent, which was a lot better than the shit I had watched the night before. My folks got back from their trip with my aunt in the early evening and it was a rather drastic change to have the house full of people again. We went to Menlyn on Sunday and I got quite bored and tired of walking around the mall. I hate going to malls as a general rule, but even more so when I have no money to spend.


The highlight of my weekend was the fact that the Advocate sent me an sms on Saturday and we had a nice chat. Yes, I do still like him despite the fact that he has been rather distant in the last few weeks. He said that we would do something at the end of this week. So I'm hoping that it works out. I don't know why, but I like the guy. There's just something about him.


I slept really badly last night. Dime, my very shy kitty, was demanding a lot of attention from me and he would lie at the foot of the bed watching me. It worried me. He's been like that twice before. The first time was the evening that the ex had the car accident and the second time was when I was pregnant. Both ended up being highly traumatic events that ended very badly. So when I saw how he was acting last night, I got very worried. I guess that's why I slept so badly. I only managed to fall asleep after midnight and the rain woke me up at 4am. I forced myself to go back to sleep but I had to be up at 5am anyway. So yes, I am feeling rather out of it today. I just want to go home and get into bed!


The heat has finally broken. It is very overcast and rainy. I'm enjoying it, but I would much rather be at home, in bed, drinking lots of tea, reading a good book and snoozing. Sigh...

Finally Friday

It has been a really long week and I'm so happy that it's Friday!

Last night I went to the Brooklyn Theatre with Con. Her daughter was performing with a contemporary Colombian dance troupe and I was invited to tag along to see the show. It was absolutely amazing. The performance was about war and the displacement of people and I was practically in tears for most of the show. A truly amazing performance.

I got home pretty late after the show and then struggled to sleep. This morning I had to get up early to walk to the bus stop. Needless to say, I am rather sleepy now that I'm at the office. I also fortgot the keys to my office cupboard and my laptop's power cable is in there, so my laptop is running on empty, kinda like me! And I keep losing connection to the internet, so today is going to be rather interesting.

So yesterday I wanted to sms the Advocate and I did. A bit of chit-chat back and forth, but not what I was hoping for. What was I hoping for? An invitation to spend time together. But no. There was none. Ugh, I just don't know any more. I kinda liked the guy, but he doesn't seem to be as interested as he was at first. Which hurts the ego a little. Fuck that, it hurts the ego quite a lot.

There is an awesome party happening in Newtown tonight, and I have just enough money to go, but I doubt that I will. Unless I can find someone to go with me, to drive. But what are the chances? Slim. So it seems that I will be spending the evening at home, on my own. The folks and family are still out of town tonight and the sister will most likely be missioning around somewhere. So that will leave me, at home, alone on a Friday night. And they say that being single is so awesome.... Fucking ass-holes don't know what they're talking about. I guess I can use the time and drop in temperature to clean my room and be a Friday-Night-Domestic-Goddess. How exciting. The Advocate still has a chance though.... He just needs to catch a wake-up.

I had a dream about the office this morning that has left me a little freaked out. I dreamt that I had a huge fight with the chick that gives me dirty looks all the time. I dreamt that she accussed me of spying on her and reading her emails and BBM's over her shoulder. And in the dream she wanted to hit me and I grabbed her arm and said "I'd think very carefully about my next move if I were you". And then I woke up. And get ready for work. She hasn't arrived yet, so I'm hoping that she is out of the office today. It would just be too freaky.

And that's my bitch-session over and done with. I plan on sitting at my desk very quietly for the rest of the day, hoping that time goes by quickly so I can just get home.

Random Thoughts

When eating a cupcake dusted with icing sugar, do not inhale.

I wish I was at Wanderers right now, watching the cricket.

My right earlobe keeps itching and burning. The old wives' tale says that someone is talking about me. I hope it's good things :)

I want to sms the Advocate.

I do not feel like doing any work today.

I've picked up weight.... I feel a little jiggly when I walk. And my boobs are looking HUGE!!!

The cricket is being shown on the tv at work. Said tv is right by my desk. I am not complaining.

Negative energy is not good for me.

I'm going to cut my hair again. It needs a bit of a trim.

I am so bored.

Just Doing My Thing...

I was on leave yesterday and I took my aunt and cousin to Sandton on the Gautrain. They absolutely loved it! They also did a lot of shopping in Sandton and I saw a few nice things too. I'll be going back after payday to get a few pretty things for myself :)

My folks are away for the next few days with my aunt and cousin. They are going to do the nature thing in Mpumalanga.

So it's been almost a month since I first told the ex about his stuff that I found in my boxes and nothing has come of that. On Tuesday afternoon, upon realising that I was on leave the following day, I sent him an email asking him if he was available that evening so I could drop those things off for him. No reply until the next morning, saying that he had been out. Then he asked if he could let me know a bit later if that evening was possible and I said fine. Turns out Wednesday evening was not good for him and he suggested tonight. But it's not good for me, as I already have plans. So I said to him that perhaps the weekend or some time next week would work. Obviously no reply to that. I'm sure he thinks I'm just sitting at home, waiting for him to say come over. Nope, that's not the case. I have my life, I make my plans. The funny thing is that he keeps saying "have a drink". I really have no intention of hanging out with him as if we are still friends. All I want to do is to drop off his things so that I can be rid of the last few items that remind me of him. I don't want those things in my house any more. I want them out.

Tonight I am going to the Brooklyn Theatre to see a contemporary Colombian dance recital. A friend of mine invited me because her daughter is involved and she remembered that I have the South American connection. I can't wait. I love dance recitals!!!

Tomorrow night I plan on spending lounging on the couch, doing as little as possible. My folks get back on Saturday at some stage. We are still trying to figure out if the trip to Olwazini trip is on. The training that was supposed to take place has been postponed until next year but we still want to go to be able to sit down together and discuss certain processes and issues. So we'll see how it goes. I'm on leave next Thursday and Friday. I am taking my aunt and cousin to the Lion Park on Thursday and then they fly out on Friday morning. And then that Sunday, I'll be going to Olwazini to attend the Assessor and Moderator training.

I can't believe this year is practically over! It's been a very difficult year for me, but I am certain that next year will be a lot better. It has to be. I don't think I could go through a year like this one again.

Jumping to Conclusions

I wish that my brain had an off switch, especially when it comes to the ex. He has been in my head for a few days now. I keep playing certain things over and over again. I keep re-visiting old, unconfirmed suspicions. I keep questioning some of the things he said and did. Then I link those memories with others and I come up with all these conclusions, which may or may not be true. I wish I could stop. What I need is closure. I know this. And I also know that I will not get it. Not from him anyway.

Then here at work, I am not having much of a great time either. I have been getting dirty looks all day, as though I were in primary school again. It just really puts a downer on my work situation. It gives me stress and it drains my energy. I am obviously working with children who do not have the balls to talk to me about whatever issue they may have with me. How frustrating.

There is just a short while until I go home. I am not at the office tomorrow and I am so happy about that! I need to be away from this tension. It is hurting me.

Searching for Enlightenment

A few days ago, I mentioned to my mother that I wanted to get a statue of Buddha to put in my bedroom. There is something about that peaceful smile that gives me comfort. She asked me if I was a follower of Buddha and I could not say yes or no.

Today I decided to read up a little on Buddhism. I am very attracted to the philosophy and I will be studying it a little. I am hoping that it will show me a path to inner peace and enlightenment. I have already read through the Buddhist moral code, the 5 precepts, which I will embrace. They are:

• Not to take the life of anything living
• Not to take anything not freely given
• To abstain from sexual misconduct and sensual overindulgence
• To refrain from untrue speech
• To avoid intoxication or losing mindfulness

Buddhism is not a religion, but rather a way of life that encourages spiritual enlightment. I need that. I am looking forward to learning more.

Some Photos from Cape Town

Here are some photos that we took in Cape Town last week. Thanks to Karen van der Spuy for taking the gorgeous pictures!

Letitia, Annette, Christian and me

Anver and Karen

Cindy and Lizelle

Anver, statue and Christian

The Knowledge Development Team

Back: Anver, Christian, Lizelle, Karen, me

Front: Annette, Nicki and Letitia

Weekendnessness

The end of this week was rather exciting. I flew to Cape Town on Thursday morning and I attended a restructing meeting at our offices in Foreshore. Essentially, our department of Knowledge Development will be transferred to the HR department instead of Sales. It is going to be quite a change for a us and will create a number of exciting opportunities.

After the meeting, we has a few drinks close to the office and then we insisted on going to have a cocktail in Camps Bay. Despite the cold wind, a few of us stuck our toes in the water. It was really nice. We had a ton of fun!

This weekend we are in the middle of a heatwave, so I have already spent some time at the pool, trying to keep cool. Other than more of that, I have nothing planned. It is too hot to do anything.

No Negativity Wednesday

I am going to do my utmost to remain positive today. If I can do it every Wednesday from now, then I can start adding another No Negaitivity day soon. And pretty soon, every day will be a No Negaitivity day!


I will be keeping an eye on Facebook and I'll be removing negative people from my friends. It's something I've been meaning to do for a long time now. There are a few people who are always very negative and other who comment on status updates, making me feel annoyed and negative. They will be cut. My mission for today is to surround myself with positive energy, cultivate it and grow it and try to spread the love, one person at a time. Happy days!


I'm am super excited about my trip to Cape Town tomorrow! I think our meeting is going to bring a lot of changes, positive changes! It's going to be good, I can just feel it!


So I was reading an atricle on Women24 that shook my brain a little. I am now convinced that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. Here is the link: http://www.women24.com/LoveAndSex/SinglesAndDating/How-to-spot-an-abuser-20100211


In brief, here is what the article says are the signs of an abuser:

• Nothing is ever his fault
• He alienates you from friends and family
• He manipulates you through a system of praise and punishment
• He thinks he is above the law
• He needs constant admiration and craves recognition and praise
• He's obsessed with grandiose fantasies of himself as being god-like and invincible
• He shows a complete lack of empathy. His feelings are the only ones that matter.

I can say yes to all seven of these points when thinking about the ex. I had thought all of these things about him in the last few months, but to be told that they are the signs of an abuser.... Yeah. I didn't see that one coming. At least now I know and I won't allow him or any other man to treat me the same way.


I need to get some breakfast now. I woke up starving!!!! The coffee has helped, but I need something solid, something bready, something cheesy. Yumyum.

The Final Hour

Today has felt insanely long... I have been running on fumes all day and it is taking every little bit of energy I have to just keep my eyes open. I am so incredibly tired!!! I reckon I will have some dinner when I get home and then call it a night for me. I just need to sleep. I've had a metric fuck-ton of coffee and it's not really helping. All I need is a bit of energy to get to the bus stop and then onto the train. I may have a power nap or two on the way home. Yes, it's that bad.

I'm going to Cape Town on Thursday and I'm really looking forward to it through my haze of tiredness. I'm leaving on Thursday morning, and luckily it's not the first flight. I'm flying at the very decent time of 9am. I'm staying in Cape Town on Thursday night and I'll be flying back on Friday morning. I'll arrive in Joburg at 11am and I'm hoping to convince the boss to let me go home. I really don't want to have to come back to the office on Friday!

I haven't heard from either the ex or the Advocate. I'm kinda glad I haven't heard from the ex because I just don't have the energy to deal with him, even on the days that I'm bursting with energy. The Advocate... I don't know. Perhaps he will call at some stage, but I really don't like being summoned by him, when he's available and then not hearing from him when I invite him to things. It's not how it works, regardless of his other responsibilities. A phone call or sms is just common courtesy, in my opinion. Yes, I know I have to be patient, but I need to know what I'm waiting for because I'm sure as hell not going to wait for someone who will be mostly unavailable to me. I've played the role of second-best before and I'm not willing to do that again.

45 minutes to go...

I think I'll have another cup of coffee....

Running on Empty

I slept so badly last night. I was exhausted and went to bed at a reasonable time. But then I woke up at 1am. And then 2am. And then 3am. And then 4am. It was horrible. I am feeling out of sorts today as a result.

What also has me feeling out of sorts is an email I got from the ex. He said that he has not been well and he asked me if I wanted to get together for a drink. I replied, obviously. I said that I am rather busy at the moment but that I'd see. The honest truth is that I don't want to see him because it is still just too painful. Even this email has opened the hurt a little. I'm sure that he hasn't been well because he's missing me, at least, I hope he is. But I have been dealing with all of this for 4 months now and I can't allow him back in my life now. I have been moving forward. I can't go back. I really don't think that there is anything left to say to him. I can't save him from whatever he's going through. I have to keep saving myself. I know it's the right thing to do for me, but at the same time, I feel like a horrible person because of it.

In other news, I am going to Cape Town for a meeting on Thursday. It should be interesting. There are a lot of new developments that will be going on at work and this meeting will be taking place so we can discuss them. It's rather exciting.

I just want to get through today and get home for some rest. I'm very sleepy today.

Family Visit

I'm not at work today. I took the day off and went to the airport early this morning to welcome my aunt and cousin to South Africa. Now we are just chilling at home, catching up, and helping them not to fall asleep! It's nice to have some of the extended family here. Truly hoping that they have a good time!

Back to Basics

Many years ago, I was faced with a tough decision. Do I allow myself to miss ut on events that I want to go to just because no one wants to go with me? Or do I go on my own because I know that I will most likely meet up with someone I know?


I decided at that stage to never miss out on something because of someone else. And so I started going out when I wanted, where I wanted, regardless of whether I was had to go alone or not.


That was quite a long time ago. And the the ex came along and suddenly I always had someone to go out with, well, for the most part anyway. I stopped going out on my own.


But now I'm single again.


I have to learn to be me again. I have to learn to start saying "Fuck you" to the world again and start doing what I want, when I want, how I want.


Last night reminded me of the person I used to be. I had had plans with a friend for a month to go out lst night. Yip, I had told this friend of mine a month ago about a party I wanted to go to and she was all for it. Ok, so I changed the plan to another party, but the date had not changed. My friend even asked me at the beginning of the week if we were still for our big night out, and even though I had quite an emotionally draining week and didn't feel like doing anything when she asked, I said that yes, we were still on for Saturday night.


So when I received an sms from my friend on Saturday morning, casually asking how I was doing, I just got the feeling that I was going to be dropped. Later that afternoon, I sent her an sms asking if we could go in her car because I was without transport, and that when the bomb was dropped. She couldn't go because she's broke. Ummm... Ok then. I can't afford to pay for anyone at the moment, but I did manage to keep a bit of money to one side so I could go out. Obviously, I'm the only one that thought to do that. When I got the feeling that I was going to be dropped, earlier in the day, I sent a message to the Advocate, letting him know about the party, telling him that if he wanted to hang out, I was going to go there. It was kind of my back-up plan. But no reply from him either. So what did I do last night? I watched a movie on TV and hung out with my friend Jim Beam. And I went to bed very, very early. And very, very angry.


So here's my deal... From now on, I will try to resume my stance on going to the gigs and events I want to go to, regardless of whether I have someone with me or not. I need to get over the fear of being alone. I refuse to sit around at home on a Saturday night, miserable because I've been bailed on. Fuck that. I will do what I want to do. I will do it when I want to do it. I will do it how I want it to be done. I'm not waiting for wanyone any more. It's time for me to go back to being the person I was before. I'm going back to the beginning; I'm going back to basics.


Like it.


Don't like it.


I couldn't give a fuck.

The Final Stretch

Only 30 minutes to go before I can get out of here. I didn't want to get annoyed to day, but I am. A little. I think I'm grumpy mostly because I'm tired. I've been struggling to keep my energy levels up. And then, of course, there's my little issue of being impatient and wanting to call teh Advocate. I'm not going to.... But I fucking hate waiting around. It would have been nice to go have an after-work, beginning-of-the-weekend drink, but my phone has been silent all day. Very, very annoying. Ugh, I just don't know. I don't want to ask him and be told no again. I know that there are good reasons behind him saying no, but it still comes with a bit of a sting. And I don't like being stung. I think I will just get on the bus, put my earphones on and zone out. And when I get home, I just want to sleep. Fuck this whole being awake thing. I'm so fucking tired. I've even started taking vitamins, but they don't do shit for me.

Tomorrow I am going out and I will have a good time, I know. I just need to rest before then. I have played around with the idea of inviting him, but I'll still see about that. Again, I don't want to be disappointed again. Ugh, whatever. I'm not in the mood for anything at this very moment. I am just feeling very sulky.

Cat Facts...

Jimi Hendrix

"I don't have nothing to regret at all in the past, except that I might've unintentionally hurt somebody else or something"

"I'm the one that has to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life, the way I want to"

"Music doesn't lie. If there is something to be changed in this world, then it can only happen through music"

"Music is my religion"

"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens"

"In order to change the world, you have to get your head together first"

"When I die, I want people to play my music, go wild, freak out and do anything the want to do"

"Whe the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jimi_Hendrix