What I'm Reading...

I am Ozzy by John Michael Osbourne (that's Ozzy Osbourne to you)

Weekend Plans...

Friday is finally upon us!

It has felt like such a long week and I am so ready for some rest and relaxation!

I plan on staying home the entire weekend. I want to clean my room, do my hair and just relax. I want to sleep as much as I possibly can.

If I can acheive all of these things, it will be a truly successful weekend.

It's Happening...

My life is finally starting to work out the way I need it to. We were told of our out-of-cycle increases today, which will come into effect this coming payday. With this increase, I will start saving money every month in order to put down a deposit on a car. I plan on having a car by March or April of next year. Then after that, I will be saving some more money in order to get my own flat. Also, I will need to buy a few things for my flat, like curtains, a fridge, a TV and a couch. I would like to be moving in April of the following year.

It has taken me a year to heal from the events of last year. In the last few months, I have been making plans as to how I am going to go about in rebuilding my life, in replacing the possessions I lost, like my car and my home. Now I finally have a timeline.

I am happy.

A New Favourite Website

I like this website because it is about New York City and what people read when they are on the trains. It's a good place to get ideas on what to read!

Underground New York Public Library

Things Are Happening...

There are tears at the office today. Not mine. The "bad apple" here at the office was crying earlier. There has been talk that she is on her way out. I am trying to stay away from the drama, even though I would like to know what's going on. But I will be strong and stay away.

I have started on a healthy eating spree. It's for a number of reasons... First is that I want to lose a bit of weight. Next, I want to save a bit of money. And thirdly, I am so bored of all the food choices I have around me at the office. So I am packing a healthy lunch every day. Today I have some chicken, some Pro-Vita's, some cheese, fruit and a yoghurt. So far, so good!

I woke up at three this morning to the sounds of cats fighting. Even my cats were upset by it. They were on the window sill, growling softly while all the commotion was happening outside. I looked out the window but couldn't see anything. And then obviously, it took me a long time to get back to sleep! When I finally got up for work this morning, I was convinced it was Friday. It was very disappointing to find out that it's only Thursday!

What I'm Reading....

I started it a while ago, read the first chapter and left it. Now I've started it again and am loving it!

The Reader by Bernhard Schlink

A New Day...

The best part of Monday was falling into my bed and drifting off to a wonderful, restful sleep. I woke up feeling like a new person, ready to take on the day.

My boss is going to be here from Durban today and tomorrow and I am really looking forward to seeing him. I like my boss!

I also got the results of my Assessor and Moderator course. I still have to submit some extra work, but I'm sure that it will all be ok once I've submitted that. Let's hope so!

Zombies, Rock Stars, Strippers and the British...

I slept really badly last night. I had a very long, very complicated dream about a zombie outbreak. I would wake up from the dream, calm myself down and then go back to sleep, only for the dream to continue. In my dream I was running a lot. My calves are now aching. My entire body hurts, as though I had run a marathon. The dream was set at Camp Mason, where I spent two summers working. It was all exactly the same, except for the expolding cars, burning buildings and the zombies trying to eat me.

Needless to say, I do not feel as though I got enough rest. I am rather exhausted at the moment, wishing that I could go home, get back into bed and sleep a zombie-free sleep.

Yesterday afternoon, I went to the movies with my sister. We went to watch Rock of Ages. Despite the mostly negative reviews, I enjoyed it. It had some of my favourite songs in it, the acting was really not that bad and it has a baboon wearing a general's uniform. I have to admit that the baboon was my favourite part!

My sister and I already have another movie night planned. We are going to watch Magic Mike at the end of the month. And I can't wait!!!

When I got home after the movie, I had just enough time to pour myself a little drink and then I settled in to watch the first episode of the second season of Downton Abbey.... I love that show. It's so very British!

Saturday was a very chilled day for me. I had stayed over at Miss Dee's house after the PJ Powers show. I got dropped off at home just before noon. I took an awesome shower and then decided to watch tv, except there was nothing good on, so I watched Edward Scissorhands for the first time ever. My sister have given me the dvd for my birthday. I loved it. What a beautiful movie! It was the first Johnny Depp/Tim Burton work and it's so simple and easy. It's got non of the madness of later collaorations. It's just a genuinely sweet movie.

As usual, the weekend felt way too short for my liking. One more day would have been ideal, but we can't all have what we want.

Celebrity Moment!

On Friday night, I went to Stone Cradle with Miss Dee to watch PJ Powers. What an amazing woman!

Today...

Yesterday brought a flood of tears. I managed to avoid most people yesterday and it was better that way.

Today I am feeling a lot better. It's Friday, the weekend is in sight.

Yes, it is a better day. It will be even better when it's over.

In Remembrance....

As long as I live, you will live

As long as I live, you will be remembered

As long as I live, you will be loved

An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth, then whispered as she closed the book "Too beautiful for earth"

Loved with a love beyond telling

Missed with a grief beyond tears

To remember is painful

To forget is impossible

I loved you from your first day and I will love you until my last. Keep a place in Heaven for Mommy, my little angel. We will meet there one day. I love you. I miss you. I will never forget you.

Stay Away...

It would be in the best interests of everyone around me to stay as far away from me as possible today. I feel like a ticking time-bomb, seconds away from detonating.

I do not want to do anything. I don't want to be here today, I don't want to have to deal with anyone's shit. I don't want to have to put a smile on my face and pretend that everything is fine. If anyone pushes me today, in the slightest, I will bite, and I will bite hard. Perhaps I will regret it tomorrow, perhaps not. Today there are no guarantees.

Everything irritates me today. The sound of people's voices, transportation - cars, buses, trains, the fact that the office is too warm while it's too cold outside. I'm irritated by the fact that a woman bumped into me and almost made me spill the cappuccino I bought to try cheer myself up. I'm irritated because that cappuccino wasn't nearly hot enough. I'm irritated at that woman at work who makes trouble for everyone. I'm irritated that she sighs to much. I'm irritated with my work friend, who constantly asks me stupid questions. I'm irritated at the surly girl at the office who doesn't even greet people - I may be pissed off today, but at least I still have my manners. I'm irritated at the fact that most days on the train, I just want to be alone and that people that work in my building come and talk to me. I'm irritated because I don't want to be at work. I'm irritated that even a year on, I am still crying, I am still hurting. I'm irritated because people expect me to be ok, I expect me to be ok and I'm not.

Grumpy...

I have been having a grumpy day. Everything and everyone has annoyed me today. I just need to go home and get away from all these stress factors. I have had enough of today.

Forgiveness...

I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness the last few days. In the last year, I have done a lot of soul-searching and have forgiven God and, for the most part, myself for everything that happened. I feel that I need to forgive the ex for the part that he has played. I need to forgive him, and I need to tell him that I forgive him.

The problem that I am facing is that, knowing him, I know that he feels no remorse for his part in everything that happened. I am certain that he feels as though he was the victim in all of this, which means that I would have to apologise for my part in everything that happened. Am I really ready to do that? I don't know.

I know that once all has been forgiven and once I have apologised, I will be able to move forward with my life.

And so I will continue to think about forgiveness. I will continue to battle with myself and with my perception of him. And I will see what conclusion I come to.

Tattoos of Memories...

On Saturday morning, Dee came to my house to fetch me and she took me to Chapman's Art Emporium to get my tattoo done. I was extremely nervous but I was very lucky to have Dee there to hold my hand through it all. It wasn't very painful, just the part where the tattoo goes on the slightly flabbier part of my arm... That hurt a bit and I could feel the vibrations from the needle even into my chest. Royston, the artist, was extremely good. He added a bit of extras and now it's amazing.

I have been looking after it nicely, giving it air, cleaning it regularly and applying the cream. It's already started scabbing and it's itching like mad today!! But no scratching!!!

The dates are so very important to me. The are the dates of my two miscarriages. I have been wanting this tattoo for months now, but I'm glad I waited until now. Yes, I still feel kind of emotional when I look at it, at least it's not too bad. I told my parents about the tattoo on Sunday morning. They weren't all that thrilled, but there's really not much they can do about it. The one thing my dad said is that he thinks it's too big. Well, I think it's just fine the way it is. I like it a lot.

Sunday was the one year anniversary of the break up and I was a little emotional about it. But I'm ok now. Hell, I've survived for a year, I'm sure it'll get even easier as more and more time goes by!

Watching the Weight...

In the last year I have gained about 30 kilos or so... I'm not one to constantly weigh myself, so it's pretty much a guess. I have gone up 2 pants sizes, from 34 to 38 and 2 shirt sizes from 32 to 36, sometimes even 38.

The reason for the wieght gain is the fact that I am eating three meals a day again. And I have a mother who gets very upset if plates are not clean at the end of a meal, so I am eating pretty much everything that's put in front of me. For a while I also did a lot of comfort eating and even though I've stopped that, my stomach has gotten used to having all kinds of delicous goodies fed into it.

I was putting on one of my new 36DD bras this morning, and I realised that the weight gain has meant that I got my boobs back. At my thinnest, I was down to a 34C. I've never been a flat-chested kinda girl, and a 34C is the smallest I'd been since I was 15. I'm very glad to have my boobs back, but I'm a little uncomfortable by the mass I have below the chest area.

Yes, I wear clothes that flatter me and I'm tall, but there's something uncomfortable about sitting down and have two massive rolls bulging out, ruining the look of an outfit.

And so the thought pops into my head that perhaps I should start watching what I eat. I'm not a fan of excerise so I figure that if I start off by watching what I eat, it'll be a good start. But then comes time to actually eat and let's face it.... I freakin' love food!

And I put it off.....

For a little while anyway....

This is a Rule at My House...

21... With Some Experience....

Yesterday was my birthday! A real lady never reveals her age, so I will say that I am 21... with some experience!

I was at home, having been booked off from work with a mild upper respiratory tract infection. I spent all of Tuesday sleeping, and then decided that on Wednesday, being my birthday, I would actually get up out of bed. My phone had starting beeping with Facebook notifications some time during the night and I eventually gave up on sleep at around 8am. I received so many birthday wishes from friends and family all over the world!

My dad came back to the house on the way to a meeting and that's when he and my mom gave me their gift. A lovely knitted cardigan and a gift voucher from Woolies... My favourite place to shop!!!

My dad left the car at home when he went off to the meeting so I went off to Centurion to renew my driver's license. I was in and out of there in less than 2 hours! It may not be the nicest thing to do on one's birthday, or the nicest place to go on one's birthday, but I at least I can say that I accomplished something.... I am finally driving legally again!!

I had booked a table at my favourite Greek restaurant, Mythos, in Brooklyn Design Square. I had invited my bestest Dee to come along (with her babydaddy, obviously) but they couldn't make it. So it was me and my family. I saw my sister for the first time that day, and she showered me with lots of little presents! She got me two DVD's.... The Notebook and Edward Scissorhands. She also got me a cute bookmark and Chocomania lip butter from The Body Shop. Yummy!!!

We had arrived in Brooklyn a little early because the Exclusive Books sale started that same day and my mom wanted to have a look. And so I ended up buying myself some books, including a book on Frida Kahlo, Ozzy Osbourne's autobiography, a novel based on the life of Catherine de Medici, Rudyard Kipling's Just So Stories and a little book on writing tips. Kind of my birthday present to myself. And then we noticed that Woolies had some sales going on, so I got myself two sweaters from there, a red one and an orange one. More birthday presents to myself!

Dinner was really good. We ordered two meze platters, one with meat and one vegetarian. They were delicious! Because of the anti-biotics I was on, I couldn't really have a cocktail, so I only had one glass of wine. I kept trying to make it last longer by adding more ice! And it made me very, very tipsy! By the time I got home, I was exhausted and I just fell into bed!

This morning was a struggle, as usualy, to get out of bed. And even though I was feeling somewhat better yesterday, I am back to feeling like I was on the wrong end of a fist fight while asleep last night. My brain is barely functioning... So much so that I forget that my nose is blocked and end up almost passing out when trying to inhale through my nose! Yes, it's that bad!

To wrap up, I want to thank everyone that played a part in my birthday yesterday. From my amazing family, to me dear, dear friends, both near and far, to the little old Chinese man who took such stunning ID photos of me, to the friendly old man looking after cars and the guy taking fingerprints at the Centurion testing centre, to the friendly cashier at the KFC drive-through window and the excellent waiter at Mythos. Everyone that I came into contact with yesterday helped to make my day perfect. I think that for the first time in my life, I experienced a true birthday, one of those days where everything just goes right.

I think back to last year and I can see such an overwhelming difference in my life. A year ago, on my birthday, I was so scared, so uncertain and very, very sad. I had dinner at a fancy restaurant with the ex (a few days before he became my ex) and we barely spoke. I hated every second of it. I didn't want yesterday to end.... It really was the perfect day. And it's only just hit me now.... As I've typed this, I realised that I am happy. I really am. And it's wonderful!

And now, let's do the Happy Dance!!



Cat Lady...

As you know, I love my kitties (and if you didn't know it, shame on you).

Here's a link to a fellow cat lady. Except that she can draw... I can just gush about my babies!

cat versus human

Winter, You Little Bitch....

When I left the house this morning it was still dark, as it usually is. I felt a crispness in the air but that was it. By the time I got to the Gautrain station in Rhodesfield, it wasn't dark any more, but it was completely overcast. And the crispness that I had felt in Pretoria had turned into wind. Ice cold wind. Now, looking out of my 10th floor window at the office, I can just see grey. The buildings, the sky, all grey. And downstairs it's Arctic! The wind, channeled by the buildings in the CBD is not only ice cold, but it's strong. It makes me want to curl up into a little ball and jsut hide. Even though I was born in the dead of winter (my birthday is next Wednesday), I can honestly say that I am not a fan of this season.

Give me sunshine and warmth any day!

One minute at a time...

I have been taking things one minute at a time today... It feels as though a day, or even an hour at a time is a bitt too much to handle. It's getting to that time of the year, the one year anniversary of the worst moments of my life and I am trying very hard to distract myself and not allow it to consume me. I am working very hard at it and so far, so good. But I can't make any promises.

Every once in a while, the emotions come flooding back, without remorse, without pulling punches. And it freakin' hurts. It still does, even after all this time. Obviously I don't want it to. I don't want to remember how badly I was hurting, but what I want is not always what I get.

If I'm not highly distracted, full steam ahead kind of distracted, the memories come. The flood back and they take over and I can't get rid of them very easily. I hate it.

Art...

Vincent van Gogh is my favourite artist. Here's why:

Blossoming Almond Tree

Enclosed Field with Rising Sun

Green Wheat Field with Cypress

Irises

Old Man in Sorrow (On the Threshold of Eternity)

Starry Night Over the Rhone

Starry Night (my favourite painting!)

The Cafe Terrace

Vase with Twelve Sunflowers

Self-Portrait

Not Feeling It...

The working is piling up around me and I can't seem to get myself in the right frame of mind to start going through it all.... I feel as though I am a ball of PMS-fury just waiting to explode. Every little thing around me is a source of frustration today. The ringing phone, the annoying woman who sits behind me, the person trying to find a new ringtone at the office, the chick that speaks so loudly all the time that I suspect she might actually have a hearing problem.... Shall I continue? Ok.... The fact that my body temperature is all over the place. I'm either boiling hot or so cold that I have to wear my coat at my desk. The sound of my own typing annoys me. And my stiff, sore back and neck muscles... I won't even begin to describe just how annyoing that is. There is just one thing I miss about the ex.... Just one tiny thing, and that's his ability to give me a decent massage. Stupid. I know.

All I am looking forward to is the weekend... As usual. I am seeing my school friends on Saturday night. I can't wait. It's been such a long time since we've gotten together and just talked. I've really missed them in the last year or so. My sister got a VIP pass to a high tea and wedding fashion show on Sunday afternoon and she invited me to go along. She says I'm the only person she knows who want to get married! Well, yes... eventually. When I meet the right man.

Speaking of the right man, I feel as though I am ready to date again. Maybe not, you know, this weekend, because the PMS-monster will send any guy running in the opposite direction, but in the near future. I feel ready.

At this moment, all I want is to pack up my things, go home and get into bed. I feel exhausted. Is it still the after-effects of donating blood? I don't know. It's probably the PMS. I'd love to sleep through it.

Now it would be very nice if everyone could just turn their own personal volume down and just be quiet.

I have a headache.

First-Time Blood Donor

The South African National Blood Service is at my office today.

I have wanted to donate blood for a long time, but my fear of needles has always stopped me.

Today, I overcame my fear and I did it!

That's me! Giving blood!

I even got an award for being brave!

I'll admit, I'm feeling a little light-headed now, but it's not too bad. I am very proud of myself!

A Poem

This poem has been one of my favourites for a very long time and today I am dedicating it to my friend, who lost her husband two months ago....

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

 

- W.H. Auden

Oh, I Almost Forgot...

It's very rare for me to do a double-post these days, but there are a few things I wanted to add....

Firstly, it's the one-year anniversary of this blog. Happy birthday blog!!

I know the cake says 50.... I just like the pink, black and red combination... And the stars. I love the stars!

I also wanted to add that I am feeling a little pissed off.... The ex has shown up all over my Facebook newsfeed. A photographer has obviously uploaded photos that were taken almost two years ago of the ex's band. And one of the band members is a mutual friend so there's my ex... All over my Facebook newsfeed. I am not taking it well. Although, to my credit, I am taking it better than I would have 6 months ago. Back then I would have been in tears. Now I am just annoyed. I hate the fact that he shows up when I'm doing great... Almost as if to remind me that there he is and that he still has the power to affect my moods. I know he shouldn't, but the reality is that he does. The other weekend I saw his car in the the parking lot of Dee's complex and my entire day was ruined. And now my day has been ruined by seeing his stupid face on my newsfeed. I did look at all the photos, I'll admit. I had to see if they were new or old. And I paused at a close up of his face and wondered what on earth I ever found physically attractive. I still can't figure it out. I must have been blind - how is an overweight, ginger, sweaty man attractive? Well, at least I know I'm no longer attracted to him! Although, to be fair, I think I stopped finding him attractive long before we broke up.

And that's all I wanted to add.

A Slow Start...

As usual, I am experiencing a slow start to this week... Not because I want to, but because my brain is wired to do so after the weekend. It's a weekly struggle and I am used to it.

The weekend itself was good. Like someone said this morning, a bad weekend is better than no weekend at all. I fully agree!

Friday evening, the family unit went to Pascali's to eat. And we ate... A lot. If we don't go there for half price Monday night pizza, we go for meze. We order their deep-fried foccacia, which is heavenly, with some dips and a few of their starter dishes. And sangria. Lots and lots of sangria! And we talk. In the years I was with the ex, I missed having conversations with my family over a good meal. We are especially talkative during our Friday night meals - when we can round off the week and we have the energy to go on a little longer than on a weeknight. I ended the evening off by watching a dvd - Music and Lyrics - a cute rom-com with Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore.

On Saturday morning I was ordered to stay home while my parents went shopping - for my birthday present. So I bummed around the house and relaxed. In the evening, my mom and I went to church. I hadn't been for a while and it was good. I like going to church. I am working on my relationship with God. We have our moments when we are at odds, and I am slowing beginning to build my trust in Him again.

Then after church and dinner I went off to Cafe Barcelona. Three of my favourite South African bands were playing - Southern Gypsy Queen, Black Cat Bones and Tidal Waves. I had a great time, seeing old friends and making new ones. The members of Tidal Waves were very happy to see me again. I have been a fan of theirs for many years and they did notice my absence in the time that I was with the ex and the subsequent withdrawal from the world immediately following the break-up. But now I'm back and I will be seeing them more often. No doubt about it. I can't even begin to describe the amount of fun I had - it reminded me of a simpler time, many years ago, before heartbreak, before the tears. Except that this time I am a better version of me, a stronger version of me and that makes me incredibly happy.

Sunday was Father's Day and my sister and I treated my dad to a delicious meal at Tasha's in Brooklyn Design Square. We had a great time and I think he really enjoyed the fact that his daughters are able to take him out to a nice restaurant for a good meal. I love my dad more than I can explain. He has been a true hero to me, over and over again. It brings tears to my eyes thinking how incredibly strong he was for me in the months following the break-up and the miscarriage. Thank you dad for being you!

And that brings us to Monday... Back at work. The nuisance woman is still around and I am waiting for the next wave of drama to come from her. That is all we can do, I guess. Just wait for something to happen - good or bad. So we'll see. I'm just keeping my distance, ignoring the little things that annoy me and concentrating on what I need to do.

So let's do it...

Finally... Weekend....

It has been one hell of a week... I don't think I've ever gone through so much stress at work. That woman is a complete nightmare to be around and it finally got to me. On Wednesday, I revoked my offer to assit her team in training the banking staff. I told my boss' boss that I did not want to be in her line of fire if something went wrong. And I put all of my concerns in writing - in an email - to my boss and his boss. So I am now hoping that action is taken. It is the only thing that keeps me going. I decided that  I will be at work every day.... I will try to be awesome every day. If I am stressed at work, so be it. But I will not give her the satisfaction of knowing that she has forced me to stay away from the office. I will be there every fucking day just to piss her off.

So finally the weekend has arrived. I wish that I was out, getting drunk and forgetting the week I just had. But instead, I am at home, in my PJ's. Oh the crazy life a single woman in her 30's leads! At least I'll be going out tomorrow night!

Having a Sulk...

I am sulking.... I am incredibly annoyed at the office and I'm miserable. I have not progressed in my work today and I am extremely pissed off about that.

The noise situation is becoming unbearable. Even with my earphones on, and my music playing at almost full volume, I can still hear conversations all around me. Everyone tries to speak louder than the next person, so that whoever they are speaking to on the phone can hear them. And so it gets louder. And louder. And louder.

I can't stand it any more.

The big boss tells me to be patient. We will have our quiet office in a few months.

I don't have a few months.

I have deadlines that I am going to miss because I can't concentrate!

Then I get told that I should go sit in a free boardroom. Oh yes, boardrooms that are free for an hour, then occupied for a meeting for another hour and then free again. Yes, that is definitely the way to go. Fucking stupid idea. Even when I book a boardroom for the entire day, I am disturbed by people sticking their heads in to check who is there. It's probably even more disruptive than sitting out here in the open plan office.

All I want is a space where I can be on my own, where there is peace and quiet and I can just sit there and do my work without having to overhear anyone's conversations.

I have lost an entire day's worth of work and I am pissed off.

Winter is Here!

This weekend, I well and truly felt winter. It's been cold, but not too cold, but this weekend, winter brought all her cold and fury.

My Friday afternoon ended with quite the adventure. It started with a 40 minute wait for the Gautrain bus, in the cold, and it was drizzling as well. It was completely miserable. When the bus finally arrived, I figured I'd be at the train station in 15 minutes tops. I was wrong. Because of the time, the traffic was completely insane. The bus would get stuck at every intersection for about 15 minutes at a time. At one traffic light, a group of passengers got off the bus and decided to walk. At the next intersection, another group did the same, including me. And so we walked. And walked. And walked. We arrived at the station at the same time as the bus. When we got to the platform, we had to run for the train because it was about to leave. And I was NOT missing that train! I finally got to Pretoria at about 6:30pm, completely exhausted. I went out to dinner with my folks at the Ocean Basket in Woodlands. After dinner I popped into Exclusive Books and bought myself two books: The Hunger Games and The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. I had planned on going out  to the drumming circle to watch the Black Cat Bones, but I was just so tired after that epic journey home, that I just went home and got into my bed and started reading The Hunger Games.

On Saturday morning, my mom, dad and I went to Brooklyn Mall for a bit of shopping. And I shopped like a madwoman. I stocked up on winter clothes. Two turtlenecks, three pairs of knee-high socks, two thermals vests, and another two sweaters. If that wasn't enough, I also went on a home decor shopping spree. I got some cushions for my bed, some storage baskets and two prints to put up on my bedroom wall. And it felt great. When we got home, I put on my tracksuit and settled in on the couch with blankets, heater and assorted animals cuddling me for warmth. And I decided to watch dvd's. I watched From Paris With Love and Horrible Bosses. I started watching Thor, but fell asleep. I woke up at 2am with the intro music palying over and over again. And so I moved my sleeping to my bed.

I decided that Sunday would be my domestic day. So I cleaned. I changed my sheets and organised my closet. I threw out a lot of clothes. I never thought I could be so ruthless at it. I threw out a lot of clothes that reminded me of the ex. Like the unerwear he bought me and the jacket I was wearing the day we broke up. I got rid of it all. I don't want those things near me any more. They hold too many bad memories, too much bad energy. It felt great.

In the afternoon I dyed my hair and tried to stay warm. I could hear the wind howling every now and then. I desperately hate winter. I don't function well in the cold. I struggle to wake up in the mornings and I struggle to fall asleep at night. My body hates the cold. I finally unpacked and put my heater together on Saturday afternoon and I left it on all evening while I watched movies (and slept on the couch) so my room was warm and toasty when I went up there. The best time of day in my bedroom is mid-afternoon. The sun streams into the room, filling it with light and warmth. It's wonderful. But it's also very short-lived. As soon as the sun dips below my neighbour's hose, my room goes cold. Oh yes, I am also wearing full winter PJ's! The first time I've done so this season!

This morning I struggled to get out of bed again. And it feels as though my brain has not woken up yet. What I would give to be lying in my bed right now, the sun just starting to warm my bedroom, with my three beautiful cats for company. Such bliss.

Finally Friday!

It's been one hell of a long week. I've worked extremely hard and there has been plenty of stress and drama at the office. That woman has been making trouble again and it is getting too much to handle.

I have just found out that something is going to happen with her next week and that it is very likely that everyone will be dragged into it. I know that it has to do with the fact that she comes in late every day, as well as the fact that she disappears during the day - no one knows where she goes. I don't mind her disappearing from her desk - it brings some peace and quiet and calm. Her smoke breaks are super long. She'll go smoke and only come back half an hour later. Yes, I also take smoke breaks but I go downstairs, smoke and come back up immediately. Ten minutes tops. I'm sure that she'll also bring up the fact that I leave early. But here's the deal - I come to work and I work. I'm at my desk and I do what I have to do. I don't spend all day sorting out my own personal stuff. I don't spend all day bitching to everyone who will listen. I do my work. And yes, I leave early because I have a bus to catch. ButI make up for the early leaving by working. I get things done, while she just messes things up. I've learnt that you have a lot more leeway when you actually do your job and you do it well. So bring it on, bitch. I'm ready for you.

Thank goodness it is Friday today. Really, I couldn't be happier. My boss was here this morning and it was great having my ally here. He filled me in on a lot of confidential happenings with regards to this bitch of a woman. No one wants to work with her. No one. Not even her own staff. If that's not a sign, I don't know what is.

But yes, back to the happiness that is Friday... Even though it's freezing cold, I am going to go out tonight to watch some bands and hang out with friends. I need to unwind after this hell-week. I've just realised that I have events every weekend for the month of June and that's awesome! Next Saturday, I am going out again to watch more bands and see friends. Then the following Saturday I am going out for dinner with some old school friends. And the Saturday after that, I am going to get my tattoo and I'm really looking forward to that! A birthday present from my bestest Dee!

Ugh, the time just won't move on.... I want to go home....

Almost Weekend!

The weekend is almost here.... I can almost touch it!!

Last night I received an sms that made me very happy. Gautrain announced that Park Station was to open this morning. And so, my travel time was shorter by 20 minutes this morning! It was fantastic!

I am going to slow down with work a little. I don't want to burn out again like I did yesterday.

So I am planning on going tomorrow night and I already have plans to go out next Saturday as well. Yes. It's going to be great!

Writer's Block... Kind Of...

I've been revamping our orientation material, which involves reformatting and rewriting a 5-day programme. In the last three days I have written almost 11000, yes, eleven thousand words of banking-related information. Needless to say, I am rather tired. My brain shut down just after 1pm today and I have not been able to get up going again. I am tired and I am taking the rest of the afternoon off.

I have been chatting with my friend who lost her husband almost two months ago. She is going through a bad day today and I have been giving her some advice on how to take it, not one day at a time, but a minute at a time. I can relate to her pain. I've been to hell and I've come back. The least I can do is help someone who is on that journey now, giving her some light, some support.

I struggled to get out of bed this morning.... Not because I was dreading coming to work, not because I hadn't slept well and was tired. It was just too cold. My bed was a warm haven and I didn't want to leave it. I'm so looking forward to getting back into my bed tonight!

I am thinking of going out on Friday night. The Black Cat Bones are playing at Klitsgras on Friday night and I feel like hanging out with friends, drinking beer and listening to some cool tunes. It's been a while. It's definitely an option.

I erckon when I get into work tomorrow morning, I will be able to pick up where I left off and I will have another productive day. I am confident.

Let's Do This!

Yesterday we attended some training at work at it was the biggest waste of time I have ever experienced. We are all in the business of training and to have to sit through such a terrible experience was torture.

We finished early and then the mood was awful. The bitch woman was on some sort of mission and she kept her favourites very close to her all day. The tension was so thick in the office that I spent most of the time outside. And before 3:30, I had left. I just couldn't handle it any more.

This morning the bitch woman is again on some mission, cleaning her cupboards out. I am hoping that this is a sign of her imminent departure. The office will be a much lighter, brighter place when she is gone.

And then, of course, I heard her gossiping to one of her buddies about how she's in trouble for coming to the office late all the time. And yes, she was talking about me... Because I leave at 4pm every afternoon. But you know what, I'm here on time every morning. Not like her who waltzes in at whatever time she feels like arriving.

But I'm not going to get into that.

I am determined to have a good day today and to get a lot of work done.

I just need to ignore this stupid bitch cow and do my thing.

Yes.

Goodbye May...

Tomorrow is the first of June.... And the 11 month anniversary of you-know-what....

I would like to take this opportunity to thank my ex for everything that happened.

Why?

Because if I was still with him, I would still be miserable. I'm not miserable any more. I'm happy. I'm happy than I've been in a very long time.

Because if I was still with him, I wouldn't be doing great things at work. Thanks to him, I threw myself into my work in order to distract myself and it is now paying off.

Because if I was still with him, I wouldn't have a relationship with my parents. They came to my rescue when I needed them the most. They fogave all the horrible things I said and did to them and they have proven to be tougher than I ever imagined.

Because if I was still with him, I would be sick. I would be sick with worry. I always worried.... I was the responsible adult in the relationship, taking on all the stress while he lived a simple existence, knowing that he would be looked after.

Because if I was still with him, I would have no future. I am in a much better place in my life right now. I might not have a car, or my own home, or anything that most people my age have, but I have my health, my job and my family. Those are the most important things in my life right now and he can never touch that.

Thank you for helping me grow.

Happy Thursday!

Yesterday I finished my Portfolio of Evidence for my Assessor and Moderator course that I attended at the end of last year... I had 6 months in which to do it, and got two extensions. Yet I left it until the last minute and completed it in two days. Yes, I was stressed, and I vow to never do that again! Luckily my colleagues were also doing it at the last minute. I needed help on Tuesday and I was just terrified to call and ask someone, thinking that they were all done. But my colleague in Kimberly was only one assignment ahead of me and one of the Cape Town girls was a couple of assignments behind me! So I didn't feel so bad. I even managed to send my Protfolio off yesterday afternoon. I don't think the Cape Town girls have sent it off yet, as Liz sent some information for one of the assignments after I had posted mine! Now all I have to do is wait until I receive some feedback. I'm holding thumbs!

I have made a list of things that I need to work on. It's a short list, but it's actually very labour-intensive. But I figured that because I was so stressed out and busy the last few days, I am going to take it a little easy until Monday. Then I will be in full swing again.

So close, but so far....

I am halfway through my Portfolio of Evidence but the honest truth is that I have given up.... The printing I need to do is an issue. The printer at the office is broken and there is no ink at the printer at home. And I really don't feel like missioning around and looking for someone to print for me. I am just not in the mood for all of this rubbish. I am tired. I am annoyed. I have had enough. I don't want to do this any more.

Annoyed.....

I have been working my ass off on my PoE today, with the help of my colleague in Kimberly. He has been incredibly helpful and I really appreciate it.

But now I am so incredibly annoyed because our printer has died and there is no way to fix it.

FUCKING AWESOME!!!!

And everyone just kind of shrugs as though it's not their problem.

FUCKERS!!!

So now I am going to have to spend my time, paper and ink in getting this shit printed at home.

FUCKING AWESOME!!!!

I could say "It's my own fault for leaving too late" but I'm not going to because I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!!!!

I have given up on this shit. I'm so over it!!!!

I fucking hate all this shit!!!

I want to go home RIGHT NOW!!!!!

The Consequences of Procrastination

I am back at the office after quite a hectic week last week.

On Tuesday, I attended a training session on diversity. It was interesting, but I'm not sure how it's supposed to be beneficial to my job. It didn't point out differences between races and give practical suggestions on how to deal with certain scenarios. It was just a talk on how people are different, on how we need to work together... All very fine and well, but not very practical. Oh well, at least it's done.

On Wednesday we had out HR team get together. We had this session on how we're each a different type of plant and this is how this one plants acts and speaks and walks. I was really irritated by the whole personality profiling thing. Firstly, the woman who presented this thing is a hairdresser by trade and she developed this "programme" herself. Secondly, this hairdresser woman is a friend of the stupid cow here at the office and it was she who got this woman to come talk to us. And I know the reason for it.... The stupid cow woman is the kind of person that will use something like this to say "Well, I'm a sunflower and that's just how I am so you must just deal with it". A sunflower, by the one, is the personality profile that means you're a complete fucking retard, that you're all about being cool and sociable all the time and that you really have no place in the business world. Ooops... Did that come out all mean and condescending?

The highlight of Wednesday was a short session where team members were recognised for their hard work. the people who worked on NAS 3 (our application system) were given R100 vouchers for the movies. And yes, I got one of those vouchers because I was the one that wrote the manual. I was super happy! And then the head of HR wanted to recognise more people with a gift. There were 6 people he wanted to recognise, and the first name he called out was mine! I was really surprised and happy. I have never received any recognition in any form before! The gift was a beautiful serving platter, with three small sauce pots and spoons. Beautiful! So it was a great end to the day!

On Thursday I went to Emperor's Palace for our HR conference. All of the HR staff that work for the retail section of the bank were there. Over 250 people. The day consisted of lectures.... Lectures about economics, leactures about the business, I even forget what the others were about.... There were a lot of them and they were long and boring. I tried very hard to pay attention but it was no use! We finished in good time in the afternoon, and then we checked into our hotel rooms. The room I had was kind of small, but functional. Not bad. We had our dinner in the evening so I put on my sexy dress and dolled myself up. The dinner was so much fun! We had Riaad Moosa as our entertainment and he is super funny! The food was ok, nothing special. And then the party started. I danced a lot! I had an awesome time! I left the party just after 11pm. Got back to my room, took a shower and got into bed. I slept really well for about an hour and then I woke up to the sound of my neighbour in the room next door. He put the TV on rather loud and was talking loudly to a friend. It was so annoying! All I wanted to do was go to back to sleep!!! After listening to the noise for about an hour, I called reception and asked them to sort it out. I had seriously had enough! It took another half hour or so for the noisy shit to quieten down. But by then, I was so annoyed that I couldn't get back to sleep!!! Needless to say, I was pissed off and tired in the morning.

On Friday morning we had a few more lectures and I struggled to stay awake. I started feeling better after tea time, when I stuffed my face with some delicious ham, cheese and tomato sandwiches! We finished our lectures early and then it was off to lunch and after that we were free to go. I got home to my kitties and took an incredible nap!

I spent the entire weekend chilling at home, mostly on the couch, watching movies. The only time I went out was Sunday night to redeem my movie vouchers with my sister.

And today I am cursing my procrastionation.... As usual, I have left an assignment until the last minute. The deadline has been extended twice already and I should have done it weeks ago, but I procrastinated and now I am days away from having to submit this thing and I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing!!! Ooops!!! I guess I'll do what I can and take it from there. It's my own stupid fault, I know.

I've also been rather annoyed at the office, but that's normal. My boss confirmed that my request for an office has been approved and that I will need to sit with the relevant people when they draw up the plans for the renovation. I haven't been given an exact date as to when all of this is going to happen. All I've been told is soon.... I hate that. But at least I will be getting what I need to make work a little more bearable.

At the moment I am just killing time until I can go home. I'm a little sleepy. Also, my skin has been hurting, almost burning since last night. It feels like a sunburn, except that I haven't been in the sun. All my clothes make me hurt. What would be really comfortable right now.... Being naked and in a lukewarm bath. Seriously. I'm in a shitload of pain. I have no rash, nothing. And I'm desperately trying to not scratch because I think that will make it a lot worse.

Home time soon.... I can't wait...

Lucy Got Shot - A Post-Weekend Update

My sister was able to pick Lucy up from the animal hospital on Friday afternoon. Lucy spent the rest of the afternoon, the evening and most of Saturday in my sister's bedroom. We could see that she was in a bit of pain still. But she has been moving around more and more every day. She's even ventured outside our garden, but only for a short while, almost as though to see what's happening out there in the world. But she comes back inside rather quickly.

My dad distributed flyers at every post box at our complex. We are looking for information as to who could have done this. We still haven't heard anything and I am hoping that we get some information during the course of the week. Here's hoping that the sick bastard who did this gets the justice he deserves.

Oh Monday....

It is insanely cold and that makes me very miserable. All I want to do is be in my bed, with my warm duvet and my kitties. I slept really badly last night.... I was boiling hot in my bed! So I kept waking up. And now I'm freezing. How does one explain that?

This week is going to be a busy one... Except for today. Today is a write-off for me. I have all kinds of aches and pains to go with the cold, plus a nose that alternates between runny and blocked. So I am just going to sit here at my desk, very quietly and hopefully no one bothers me or asks anything of me.

Tomorrow I am attending some training on diversity. Then on Wednesday we have a day-long meeting with our entire HR department. Our conference starts on Thursday at Emperor's Palace and we'll be done at about 2pm on Friday afternoon. And then it will finally be weekend. I'm already tired just thinking about the week that lies ahead of me! The nice part is that our entire department will be together and I really enjoy that.

Ugh, it's not even noon yet.... How long is this day going to be?

Lucy Got Shot - Update

My sister went to visit Lucy this morning at the animal hospital.

Lucy is stable but very traumatised and still in a bit of shock. She tries to hide when anyone comes near her and is eating very little. She will be staying at the hospital. My sister will go back this afternoon to visit her and perhaps she will be able to come home then.

I have never seen a cat looking so sad.... I swear I can see her eyes filled with tears...

People Make Me Sick

We had a rather traumatic evening last night. On my way home from the Gautrain station with my dad yesterday evening, we got a phone call from my mom, asking us to please hurry home as she wanted my dad to accompany my sister to take her cat Lucy to the animal hospital. I asked my dad what was wrong and he told me the story...

Out neighbour saw Lucy carrying a rat that she had caught when suddenly, she dropped the rat and started having convulsions. The neighbour tried to pick Lucy up but she got away and made her way home. My mom was in the garden and the neighbour popped her head over the wall and told her that Lucy was not well. By that stage, Lucy had stumbled into our yard and when my mom looked at her, she noticed that she was having convulsions, dry heaving and that she was bleeding a lot from her bum. My mom freaked out and called my sister to come home immediately. The neighbour told my mom that she had seen Lucy with a rat in her mouth and they suspected that the rat had been poisoned, therby poisoning the cat. My sister raced home while my mom looked after Lucy and cleaned up the blood. When my sister arrived, she took Lucy to her vet and the put her on a drip with medication for the suspected poisoning. After a while, my sister went back home. When we received the call from my mom, my sister had just received a call from the vet saying that she was getting worse and that she should take her to the animal hospital. The vet told my sister that she had consulted another vet and they didn't believe Lucy was poisoned as her heartbeat was too fast and the reaction time was also too quick - poison takes a bit more time to take effect and makes the heartbeat slow down.

When we arrived home, my dad went with my sister to pick Lucy up from the vet and then go to the animal hospital from there. My mom and I waited at home.

When they returned, they were both very angry. When they arrived at the animal hospital with Lucy, and a letter from the vet outlining what medication she had been given, they did an examination on her. They noticed that Lucy's heartbeat was extremely fast and that she had a small bump by her hip bone. They took an x-ray and found a pellet practically touching her hip bone. The shaved her hip area, and there was an entrance wound.

The reason she was having so many convulsions and bleeding from her bum is the fact that she was in severe shock. That was also the reason for her fast heartbeat. They put her on a drip at the hospital and she was placed under observation.

My sister is going to go to the hospital this morning to see how she is, and hopefully to bring her home if she is stable.

It just infuriates me that someone would shoot a small animal for the fun of it. Lucy is very lucky that the pellet did not hit her in her abdomen. It would have ripped her insides to pieces. It's probably some stupid kid with a pellet gun, running around like a fucking delinquent, shooting everything that moves. And his fucking parents are probably oblivious. We are going to find them, and they are going to pay - not just for the vet bills but for being irresponsible parents and all-round fuckers. It just pisses me off so much!!! My dad is making up some flyers today and they will be distributed to every unit in our complex. We will find the responsible party.

Get well soon, Lucy!!!