New Year's Resolutions

Here are my resolutions for 2012:

• To give up smoking some time during the year
• To live an uncomplicated life
• To be successful at work
• To be happy
• To learn from the lessons I learned in 2011
• To use Facebook less
• To get closure on certain aspects of my life

I am glad that 2011 is almost over. I have spent the last few days reflecting on what was, on what could have been and how how the events of the year have changed my life. I am eternally thankful for my family and for the friends who have stood by be through what has probably been the most difficult year of my life.

Happy New Year everyone!

A Wish...

Last night I went out for dinner with my friend G. She is flying back to Nigeria tomorrow and we decided to have one last catch-up. It was good and we decided that we are going to India in 2013 for the IPL. Definately something to look forward to!

I am kind of miserable at the moment. The Advocate got back from his holiday at the beginning of this week and he had said that we would get together before he leaves for his all-boys road trip on Saturday. It is now Thursday and we still have not gotten together. I sent him an sms yesterday asking how he's doing but I got no reply. This afternoon I got a missed call from him, so I sent him an sms asking what's up and again, I have received no reply. So now I'm pissed off. Is not replying the new norm? What the hell happened to common decency? I highly doubt that he'll call tomorrow. And that means that I'm done. This is proving to be too complicated for me at the moment and complicated is the last thing I need. All I want is an uncomplicated life. And if that means being on my own, so be it. I actually shed a few tears today. It's very fitting, seeing as I spent the entire year crying. But the crying ends with 2011. I am not going to cry over some man next year. That is the resolution that I intend on keeping, come hell or high water.

There are only two days left of this most fucked up year. I am glad it's almost over. Next year is the year that I concentrate on being in a relationship with myself. I will be the most important person in my life. That's the way it has to be.

Bring on 2012 - The Year of Me!

Merry Fuckin' Christmas

You know what I love about Christmas?

I love putting myself out there, asking my sister for a reconciliation and then having her roll her eyes at the thought. It made my fucking day.

We did the gift opening last night and I wrote an apology in a card for my sister. I apologised for all the shit that we have gone through in the last few years. I told her that I love her and I miss her and I want my sister back. She read the card with a blank expression, kind of rolled her eyes and then put it to one side. She said nothing. She did nothing. So yeah. Fucking awesome.

I cried myself to sleep last night.

Merry fucking Christmas.

The Start of the Holidays...

The holidays started off quietly for me. I spent Friday watching the cricket on TV and it was very good. I had kind of given up on the Advocate, but he invited me to a braai at his place on Saturday with his friends and it was really nice. He has awesome friends and he made sure that I was comfortable and all that. I spent Sunday chilling at home. Same thing today. I might do some pool-side reading later. And the Christmas shopping will get done on Wednesday. I should start working on my PoE for my Assessor and Moderator course but I want to have a few days of relaxation before starting with that. Although, this morning I realised that I might not do anything at all.... Oh well. I'll just see how it goes.

I will make it my mission this week to get the house in the Christmas spirit. I'll put up the tree and get a few decorations up. My mom doesn't really like Christmas, but I do! I had even thought of doing some baking but it's a little too hot for that. But I'll probably take ove the kitchen a few times over the holidays. Yes. I think that's a good idea. I think I'll start looking at some recipes for inspiration. I really love cooking. It's fun!

Right. Time to relax some more!!!

Interesting Article

Most of these characteristics sound like the ex... Freaky...

http://www.health24.com/mind/Psychopaths/1284-4393,50400.asp

2011 – A Year in Review

This is my personal retrospect on the year.

The year did not start off well. My father was very ill over the holidays and I was not able to go to Cape Town to be there. It caused a lot of problems with my family. I also experienced some home issues in the first week of the year with a geyser bursting in the ceiling and the water causing some extensive damage. Luckily that all got fixed rather quickly and without major hassle.

February was another bad month. My mom was very ill. She had septicaemia and was in ICU. The doctor that treated her said that she could have died. Even though my relationship with my parents had been rocky, I was devastated. Towards the end of February, I spent a few days in Cape Town to look after my mom. She was doing much better but still needed a lot of help. My dad went on a business trip to Germany to interview for a new job and I was there to look after my mom.

The next few months went by in a bit of a haze. My dad got the job that he had interviewed for and that meant that my parents were moving back to Pretoria. It made me very happy as we had reconnected a little due to my mom’s illness. The ex decided at some stage that we could no longer travel from Pretoria to Joburg every day so he said we had to find a place to move into as quickly as possible. We were very close to moving into a house with a co-worker of his, but I put my foot down, reminding him that he had always said that he didn’t want to share a place. The move didn’t happen, but he was not happy.

My parent moved back to Pretoria in the beginning of April. I saw them a few times and I always felt really refreshed and happy after the visits. Of course, the ex hated it and we would have a fight over something stupid. I wasn’t happy and it showed.

A few days before my birthday in June, I took a pregnancy test as I was late. It came back positive. I went to the doctor and took a blood test. That came back positive too. I didn’t know what to do. All I knew was that I had to tell him. That evening was one of the worst nights of my life. He wanted me to get an abortion. I said no. And then I threw some clothes in a bag and spent three nights at my parents’ house.  I spent my birthday with him, believing his promise that we would talk. That never happened. Instead, five days after my birthday, a huge fight broke out and it ended with me going to the flat that we shared with my dad, taking some more clothes and my cats out of there and moving back home for good. I can’t go into too much of the detail. Even though it has been over 5 months, the details of the break-up still leave a bad taste in my mouth.

July started with me moving out of the flat I shared with the ex. Our relationship was over. And then I lost my baby. I was devastated. I spent most of that month on sick leave, spending my days at home, crying and depressed. When I eventually got back to work, I contacted our Wellness department and started seeing a psychologist to help me deal with things. My sessions with her helped me so much. During August and part of September, I truly believed that we could fix our relationship. I would see him occasionally and I told him that I wanted us to get back together and fix things. I never got anything in return. He was fine to have me over whenever it suited him, to try get me back into bed (thank goodness I was strong in that sense) and to leave me hanging. Eventually, I gave up and I made plans to move the rest of my furniture out of the flat that I no longer felt was mine.

October 2011... I started that month with moving my things out of the flat and into storage. It was dramatic and emotional. It was also the last time I saw the ex. I felt so numb afterwards. Again, I don’t want to go into details. It’s all documented here.  Since then, I have been finding myself. I have been truly free of him. I know that I left the relationship in order to protect my baby. Even though she is no longer with me, I think she served her purpose.... To get me away from a relationship that was sick and dangerous. I will meet my little angel one day when I am very old, and I will thank her. She saved my life.

The last few months, I have had some fleeting communication with the ex, but I have not seen him. I wanted to return some things of his that I had accidentally taken while he tried to get together for a drink and smoke. It’s never happened. I unfriended him on Facebook, blocked him on Twitter and deleted every email he had ever sent me. I removed all his photos from my cell phone and my computer. It’s as though he never existed. I have a small bag of things that belong to him. I have no longer feel the need to get those things to him personally and the plan is to make a package out of them and leave them with security at his complex. I don’t want any traces of him and my time with him when 2012 rolls around.

My relationship with my parents is better. They took me in when I had nowhere else to go and they have supported me and stood by me in my darkest hours. I owe them my life. I realised not so long ago that I don’t have very many friends left and I am starting to make new ones (or re-connect with very old friends). I was in hiding for a very long time, and I am finally feeling more confident and now I’m going out a little.

My health is improving. I was very thin and sickly when I was with him. Now I am looking and feeling healthier (and a little heavier!) My confidence is showing more and more every day. I am becoming more and more of the person I remember being before he came into my life. And for the first time in years, I am spoiling myself. I buy clothes and shoes and whatever I see in the shops that I want. I am spending money on me and I’m loving it.

My outlook on life is improving too. I was depressed. I thought that my life was over and some small part of me wanted to give up and die. But I didn’t give up. And for the first time in probably over a year, I feel happy. I feel happy in the simplest of terms. I am happy because I am free. I am happy because I didn’t give up. I am happy because I’m alive. I still believe in romance. I still believe that I will meet a wonderful man who will love me for me. I believe that he is out there, looking for me and that he will fight for me. I believe that he will sweep me off my feet and that he will show me that all men are not made the same.

So, my year was traumatic to say the least. There were a lot of moments where I thought I couldn’t go on. But I persevered. And I’m winning. I can honestly say that I’ve learned a huge lesson this year. It wasn’t an easy one. And I know that I won’t make the same mistake again. I plan on shedding all the negative energy that 2011 has given me so that I can start 2012 on a positive, happy and healthy note.

I’ve been to hell.

I’ve come back.

There’s no stopping me now.

A Very Special Day

Today is a special day for a number of reasons.

1. It is my five-year anniversary at Nedbank. There have been good times and bad times, but I have grown as a person and as a professional. I have met many amazing people along the way who have taught me so much about business and about myself. Next year, my department will face some new challenges and I am really looking forward to it!

2. It is my last working day of 2011! After a long, emotional, crazy year, I am finally going on a well-deserved break. It is time for me to reflect on all that has happened and to celebrate the good that has come from all of the turmoil. And it is also time to get some rest so that I am able to be the best version of me in 2012!

3. The first test between South Africa and Sri Lanka starts in Centurion today. I am really looking forward to watching some good cricket. Hopefully, I will be able to go to SuperSport Park to watch, but I am also perfectly happy to have the game on the TV at home.

I have decided that if I do not see the Advocate before the end of this weekend, I will have to do the right thing and move away from the hope that there could be something there. I just think that it's taking him too long to get it together and I do not have time to waste.

Now I have a few last minute things to do before going on leave. I hope the day goes quickly!

Inspiration





Two Days...

Tomorrow is the last day of work for 2011.... I'm so excited I could scream!!!

I chatted to the Advocate yesterday and he might go to the cricket this weekend. I told him to let me know if he's going because I want to go too. I don't really have anyone to go with. My dad said he won't go on account of the fact that he doesn't have a clue. So it would be very nice to go with someone who knows more about the game than me! So here's hoping!

Ok, I need to get some food in my belly and then make my way through this day!

Three Days...

After much wine and some good sleep, I did the only thing that I could do to the ex's email. I deleted it. And now I am at peace.

This morning, the Gautrain was a complete nightmare and I got to work 15 minutes late. At first, we were told that the line between Sandton and Rosebank was not working and that there would be a bus service. Then the train stopped at Centurion for about 10 minutes and then again just before the Marlboro station. It was very annoying but I thought it would all be ok when the announcement came that the train would run to Rosebank after all as the problem had been fixed. Except that when we got to Rosebank, the bus to take us to town wasn't there and we had another 10 minute wait. Very, very frustrating!

The good part is that there are only 3 working days left and I can't wait! I can't remember the last time I was so excited about being on leave! I'm not even going anywhere.... I'm just going to be at home!!! It's going to be great!

Decision: Made!

So I have made my decision.... The ex will NOT be getting a reply from me. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.

Why?

Because FUCK HIM. That's why.

I don't know who he thinks he is, but nobody, I mean, NOBODY does what he did to me and then gets to be my friend.

I might not have a lot of friends, but I sure as hell do not need or want his friendship.

That is all.

Thank you.

Almost Done...

The year is almost over and I can't wait to go on leave for a couple weeks and just relax as much as is humanly possible! It's been a rough and crazy year and I'll be glad to see the end of it.

Yesterday, a group of us from work went to the Carnivore restaurant in Muldersdrift, close to Olwazini, for a Christmas lunch. It was a lot of fun and it was good to hang out with work friends outside of the office. I spent the night at Susi's house and we had a very girly sleep-over. Today we are all back at the office for our last four days of work. No one has energy any more and we are all ready to go on leave. We've all had a hectic year and we deserve a break!

So this morning, I checked my email and I got an email from the ex yesterday. It didn't go into my regular inbox, but rather to my spam box because I had deleted all his emails from my gmail. He says he hopes things are going well and that he just wanted to pop in to say hi. What the hell??? I don't get it. Why does he not just leave me alone? Was he feeling lonely and wanting me to pander to his fucking depression? I'm not going to reply. I have nothing to say to him. We have nothing to talk about, and I have no desire to see him, thank you very much. Ugh, he infuriates me.

And now I am going to go drink some tea to calm myself down.

Rainy Day...

The rain has been coming down since last night. It's lovely! I would, however, prefer to be in bed instead of sitting at the office. This is not out-and-about weather!

We are trying to organise a private year-end function with a few select people at the office, but it is not going well. The chosen restaurant is too expensive for some people so moods are low. I did my part and sent through a long list of options, so now I will wait for them to decide.

I have decided to do my year in review entry soon. It means that I'll be looking back at everything that has happened, which may be a little draining. It'll take a few days to put together.

The weather report says that this rain is going to stay with us all weekend, so it is my plan to spend as much of it as possible asleep in my bed. Nice! Obviously, it would be nice to spend time with the Advocate, but it's not likely. But one can alwyas hope that he'll call and say that he's in town. I need to be patient. I don't want to find myself moving too fast into a relationship again. Slow and steady... That the plan.

I am really not in the mood to work today. I'm just yawning like crazy and thinking how nice it would be to be under my duvet! It's the perfect weather for doing a whole lot of nothing!!!

The Final Countdown!!!

In exactly one week, I will be sitting at my desk for the last day of work this year. And I can't wait!!! I am going to relax so hard, it's going to hurt!!!

So yesterday I got home and went to work on getting some rest. I went to bed early and got a lot of good sleep. As lovely as it was to sleep with someone on Wednesday night, I realise that I've gotten used to sleeping alone in my own bed! But that's not to say that I'm going to stick with sleeping alone in my own bed. The benefits of sharing a bed are very high. Hee hee, my muscles are quite sore still. But every time I feel that bit of hurt, I smile because of the reason behind it. I just can't describe it.... I'm happy. Simply happy and I don't care who knows it.

Tomorrow is Friday, thank goodness and time for more relaxing! I'm supposed to go to a show at the State Theatre on Saturday, but I'll see how that goes. I just plan on being in as much of a vegetative state as possible!

However, if there is an invitation from a certain someone, I will gladly do that :-)

6 days to go

Last night I was with the Advocate and it was good. Very, very good. But today I have been very, very tired. I can't wait to get home and get into my bed.

There are 6 days left until I go on leave and I really feel like I need it. I need the rest. It has been a very hectic year and I need to unwind, relax and take it easy. I plan on sleeping a lot. As much as possible!!! And if I can perhaps see the Advocate, that'll make me very happy.

I'm just counting down the hours until I can get home. Just need sleep!!!

9 Days and Counting...

Last week I attended the Assesor and Moderator course at Olwazini. It was very intense, lots of work was covered in a few days and there is still more work to be done in the form of two Protfolios of Evidence. So guess what I'll most likely be doing while I'm on leave... Yip... Work, work and more work.

On Thursday, our restructure became official. Our team is now 100% part of Human Resources: Learning and Development. And so, my boss' new boss came through to Olwazini to celebrate. And celebrate we did!!! Lots of drinks and shooters and dancing and midnight swims. Unfortunately, there was also the awkwardness of the married guy trying to get into the pants of all the single ladies. Not cool. Not cool at all. But we all had a pact to not let the jerk get his jollies. And so he went home disappointed. I really think it's uncool to expect that from colleagues. Especially when everyone knows that you're married and that your wife is pregnant. Sis on you!

I got home on Friday afternoon and decided that I wanted to go to the Bohemian to see The Black Cat Bone and Juggernaught. I asked the Advocate if he was available, but he was unfortunately being dad. So I went off on my own and met up with Jessie when I got there. It was well worth it. I had an awesome time!!! Dancing and drinks and shooters and tons of fun!

Needless to say, I spent the rest of the weekend chilling. Two nights in a row was rather hectic for me!

Now I am back at work, with only 9 working days left. I can't wait to be on leave and just spend some time relaxing. And working on my portfolios, yes.

I did something over the weekend and it has left me feeling as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I deleted evey sms, evey photo and every video featuring the ex from my phone. They are all gone. I thought it would hurt and that I would cry over it, but I didn't. I feel fine. Perhaps I am closer to healed than what I imagined. It's a great feeling. Before Christmas, I want to be rid of those things of his that are still in that bag in my closet. I've decided that if I can't deliver them personally, I will wrap them up in brown paper or something, mark it clearly and leave it with the security guards at his complex. I refuse to have any reminders of him in my possession when 2012 rolls round. I want to start the new year fresh and happy. And that's what I'm going to do.

9 Days to go!!!! Woop!!!