Better...

Yesterday was not a good day but I am feeling a lot better today. I spent my afternoon yesterday in my bedroom, watching movie after movie with my kitties for company. It was good. I think I just needed the time alone to just be me.

Today I am just getting all my things together because I am driving through to Olwazini this evening and I'll be spending the week there. I can't wait.

Emotional Surgery

I wish I could be happy every day. I wish I could lay out all of my emotions and get rid of all the bad ones... all the sadness, all the self-doubt, all the hurt. I'm having one of those days where i want to get back into bed and fucking cry myself into oblivion. I feel so incredibly lonely at the moment. I feel as though I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. I am remembering all the pain. And I'm feeling like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I need for someone to help me. I need to be made to feel that I am beautiful and smart and worth it. There's only so much I can tell myself. I need someone else to tell me too.

I feel like the saddest girl in the world right now.

Weekendness

I have been off work since yesterday. I took my aunt and cousin to the Lion Park and then to Croc City to show them some animals. It was a lot of fun. We touched lion cubs, fed some giraffes, played with some bearded dragons, an albino Burmese python, a corn snake, a baby crocodile and a Chilean Rose tarantula. Yes, lots of creepy animals and it was so cool! We also went to see a cultural dance which was pretty cool. It was a long day but it was so worth it!

Today we had to get up very early to go to the airport as they were heading back to Chile. I have decided that I am going to save my money so that I can go to Chile at the end of next year. I want to go for three weeks. I haven't been since 1997 so it's time for me to go again. After going to the airport, my mom and I got onto the Gautrain and spent the morning in Sandton. I bought some new clothes and I am very happy with my purchases. But shopping is very tiring!

I am going off to Olwazini to attend the Assessor and Moderator training and I will be there for the week. So now I need to get all my laundry done and sorted.

Tonight is the Wolmer Rock Show and I've played with the idea of going, but I know that I won't go. The main reason is that I do not want to go alone because I know that the ex will be there and I am not strong enough to bump into him on my own. It will just be too weird.

Speaking of aloneness, I get the feeling that I will be spending tonight at home, on my own once again. I had a bit of an sms chat with the Advocate on Wednesday night and it was weird. So despite that him saying last weekend that we might hang out, I doubt that it will happen. So yeah. Yay fucking yay for the single life.

So I'm pretty tired from the last two days of activities and when I got home, I thought of taking a nap. While I was lying on my bed, I decided not to take a nap because it would mean that I'd be awake until whatever time tonight, hating the fact that I'm at home. So instead, I am going to stay awake for now and go to bed early so that I can have an early start tomorrow. I have a few things to do so I might as well focus on that and not on the fact that I'm not hearing from the Advocate. But still, it's a sting that I do not appreciate. I am still bruised and fragile and it would be nice if that was pandered to just a little bit. I'm just saying... It would be nice.

It's MY Friday!!!

I am in a delighfully good mood today as it is my last day of work for the week!!! I am on leave tomorrow and Friday, and then I am spending all of next week at Olwazini on the Assessor and Moderator training. It's going to be a lot of hard work but I am looking forward to it.

I was not feeling well all day yesterday. I was nauseous and dizzy. Rather horrible. Today I am feeling a lot better, thank goodness!

The heat has finally calmed down and we have gone to the other extreme. This week has been cold and wet. It is so cloudy today that I don't have a view from my desk any more. It's just all clouds. Luckily I don't have to catch the bus and train home today in this weather because my dad is coming to fetch me. We are going to Lanseria as he is flying to Cape Town this afternoon. Tomorrow, I'll take my aunt and cousin to the Lion Park which is close by and we'll fetch my dad from there once he lands. I'm just hoping the weather is not too bad so we can see the lions. My aunt and cousin are flying back on Friday morning but I think I will stay home and get some sleep. I need it! And this weekend I need to get my things organised for my week away from home. I need toiletries and goodies.

I am hoping to see the Advocate before I leave on Sunday. It will be nice to hang out.... So we'll see what happens.

Monday Blues

It has been an insanely hectic day at the office today and I'm glad that I'm leaving in a few minutes. There has been so much drama here today. The energy is so bad and it's making my head hurt.

I am going out tonight with my friend G for a few catch-up drinks. She's in Pretoria for a few days so we have to do a catch-up!

So I am going to leave the office just now and make my way home. Hopefully by the time I get there, I will be rid of all the negative vibes around me. Luckily I am only working for two more days before I have a four-day weekend!!! I can't wait. It's going to be like a mini holiday!

Weekend Roundup

Friday night was rather horrible. I spent the evening at home on my own. I watched TV and hated every second of it. I felt so lonely. I spent my Saturday morning doing laundry and cleaning up. And I watched about 4 hours of America's Got Talent, which was a lot better than the shit I had watched the night before. My folks got back from their trip with my aunt in the early evening and it was a rather drastic change to have the house full of people again. We went to Menlyn on Sunday and I got quite bored and tired of walking around the mall. I hate going to malls as a general rule, but even more so when I have no money to spend.


The highlight of my weekend was the fact that the Advocate sent me an sms on Saturday and we had a nice chat. Yes, I do still like him despite the fact that he has been rather distant in the last few weeks. He said that we would do something at the end of this week. So I'm hoping that it works out. I don't know why, but I like the guy. There's just something about him.


I slept really badly last night. Dime, my very shy kitty, was demanding a lot of attention from me and he would lie at the foot of the bed watching me. It worried me. He's been like that twice before. The first time was the evening that the ex had the car accident and the second time was when I was pregnant. Both ended up being highly traumatic events that ended very badly. So when I saw how he was acting last night, I got very worried. I guess that's why I slept so badly. I only managed to fall asleep after midnight and the rain woke me up at 4am. I forced myself to go back to sleep but I had to be up at 5am anyway. So yes, I am feeling rather out of it today. I just want to go home and get into bed!


The heat has finally broken. It is very overcast and rainy. I'm enjoying it, but I would much rather be at home, in bed, drinking lots of tea, reading a good book and snoozing. Sigh...

Finally Friday

It has been a really long week and I'm so happy that it's Friday!

Last night I went to the Brooklyn Theatre with Con. Her daughter was performing with a contemporary Colombian dance troupe and I was invited to tag along to see the show. It was absolutely amazing. The performance was about war and the displacement of people and I was practically in tears for most of the show. A truly amazing performance.

I got home pretty late after the show and then struggled to sleep. This morning I had to get up early to walk to the bus stop. Needless to say, I am rather sleepy now that I'm at the office. I also fortgot the keys to my office cupboard and my laptop's power cable is in there, so my laptop is running on empty, kinda like me! And I keep losing connection to the internet, so today is going to be rather interesting.

So yesterday I wanted to sms the Advocate and I did. A bit of chit-chat back and forth, but not what I was hoping for. What was I hoping for? An invitation to spend time together. But no. There was none. Ugh, I just don't know any more. I kinda liked the guy, but he doesn't seem to be as interested as he was at first. Which hurts the ego a little. Fuck that, it hurts the ego quite a lot.

There is an awesome party happening in Newtown tonight, and I have just enough money to go, but I doubt that I will. Unless I can find someone to go with me, to drive. But what are the chances? Slim. So it seems that I will be spending the evening at home, on my own. The folks and family are still out of town tonight and the sister will most likely be missioning around somewhere. So that will leave me, at home, alone on a Friday night. And they say that being single is so awesome.... Fucking ass-holes don't know what they're talking about. I guess I can use the time and drop in temperature to clean my room and be a Friday-Night-Domestic-Goddess. How exciting. The Advocate still has a chance though.... He just needs to catch a wake-up.

I had a dream about the office this morning that has left me a little freaked out. I dreamt that I had a huge fight with the chick that gives me dirty looks all the time. I dreamt that she accussed me of spying on her and reading her emails and BBM's over her shoulder. And in the dream she wanted to hit me and I grabbed her arm and said "I'd think very carefully about my next move if I were you". And then I woke up. And get ready for work. She hasn't arrived yet, so I'm hoping that she is out of the office today. It would just be too freaky.

And that's my bitch-session over and done with. I plan on sitting at my desk very quietly for the rest of the day, hoping that time goes by quickly so I can just get home.

Random Thoughts

When eating a cupcake dusted with icing sugar, do not inhale.

I wish I was at Wanderers right now, watching the cricket.

My right earlobe keeps itching and burning. The old wives' tale says that someone is talking about me. I hope it's good things :)

I want to sms the Advocate.

I do not feel like doing any work today.

I've picked up weight.... I feel a little jiggly when I walk. And my boobs are looking HUGE!!!

The cricket is being shown on the tv at work. Said tv is right by my desk. I am not complaining.

Negative energy is not good for me.

I'm going to cut my hair again. It needs a bit of a trim.

I am so bored.

Just Doing My Thing...

I was on leave yesterday and I took my aunt and cousin to Sandton on the Gautrain. They absolutely loved it! They also did a lot of shopping in Sandton and I saw a few nice things too. I'll be going back after payday to get a few pretty things for myself :)

My folks are away for the next few days with my aunt and cousin. They are going to do the nature thing in Mpumalanga.

So it's been almost a month since I first told the ex about his stuff that I found in my boxes and nothing has come of that. On Tuesday afternoon, upon realising that I was on leave the following day, I sent him an email asking him if he was available that evening so I could drop those things off for him. No reply until the next morning, saying that he had been out. Then he asked if he could let me know a bit later if that evening was possible and I said fine. Turns out Wednesday evening was not good for him and he suggested tonight. But it's not good for me, as I already have plans. So I said to him that perhaps the weekend or some time next week would work. Obviously no reply to that. I'm sure he thinks I'm just sitting at home, waiting for him to say come over. Nope, that's not the case. I have my life, I make my plans. The funny thing is that he keeps saying "have a drink". I really have no intention of hanging out with him as if we are still friends. All I want to do is to drop off his things so that I can be rid of the last few items that remind me of him. I don't want those things in my house any more. I want them out.

Tonight I am going to the Brooklyn Theatre to see a contemporary Colombian dance recital. A friend of mine invited me because her daughter is involved and she remembered that I have the South American connection. I can't wait. I love dance recitals!!!

Tomorrow night I plan on spending lounging on the couch, doing as little as possible. My folks get back on Saturday at some stage. We are still trying to figure out if the trip to Olwazini trip is on. The training that was supposed to take place has been postponed until next year but we still want to go to be able to sit down together and discuss certain processes and issues. So we'll see how it goes. I'm on leave next Thursday and Friday. I am taking my aunt and cousin to the Lion Park on Thursday and then they fly out on Friday morning. And then that Sunday, I'll be going to Olwazini to attend the Assessor and Moderator training.

I can't believe this year is practically over! It's been a very difficult year for me, but I am certain that next year will be a lot better. It has to be. I don't think I could go through a year like this one again.

Jumping to Conclusions

I wish that my brain had an off switch, especially when it comes to the ex. He has been in my head for a few days now. I keep playing certain things over and over again. I keep re-visiting old, unconfirmed suspicions. I keep questioning some of the things he said and did. Then I link those memories with others and I come up with all these conclusions, which may or may not be true. I wish I could stop. What I need is closure. I know this. And I also know that I will not get it. Not from him anyway.

Then here at work, I am not having much of a great time either. I have been getting dirty looks all day, as though I were in primary school again. It just really puts a downer on my work situation. It gives me stress and it drains my energy. I am obviously working with children who do not have the balls to talk to me about whatever issue they may have with me. How frustrating.

There is just a short while until I go home. I am not at the office tomorrow and I am so happy about that! I need to be away from this tension. It is hurting me.

Searching for Enlightenment

A few days ago, I mentioned to my mother that I wanted to get a statue of Buddha to put in my bedroom. There is something about that peaceful smile that gives me comfort. She asked me if I was a follower of Buddha and I could not say yes or no.

Today I decided to read up a little on Buddhism. I am very attracted to the philosophy and I will be studying it a little. I am hoping that it will show me a path to inner peace and enlightenment. I have already read through the Buddhist moral code, the 5 precepts, which I will embrace. They are:

• Not to take the life of anything living
• Not to take anything not freely given
• To abstain from sexual misconduct and sensual overindulgence
• To refrain from untrue speech
• To avoid intoxication or losing mindfulness

Buddhism is not a religion, but rather a way of life that encourages spiritual enlightment. I need that. I am looking forward to learning more.

Some Photos from Cape Town

Here are some photos that we took in Cape Town last week. Thanks to Karen van der Spuy for taking the gorgeous pictures!

Letitia, Annette, Christian and me

Anver and Karen

Cindy and Lizelle

Anver, statue and Christian

The Knowledge Development Team

Back: Anver, Christian, Lizelle, Karen, me

Front: Annette, Nicki and Letitia

Weekendnessness

The end of this week was rather exciting. I flew to Cape Town on Thursday morning and I attended a restructing meeting at our offices in Foreshore. Essentially, our department of Knowledge Development will be transferred to the HR department instead of Sales. It is going to be quite a change for a us and will create a number of exciting opportunities.

After the meeting, we has a few drinks close to the office and then we insisted on going to have a cocktail in Camps Bay. Despite the cold wind, a few of us stuck our toes in the water. It was really nice. We had a ton of fun!

This weekend we are in the middle of a heatwave, so I have already spent some time at the pool, trying to keep cool. Other than more of that, I have nothing planned. It is too hot to do anything.

No Negativity Wednesday

I am going to do my utmost to remain positive today. If I can do it every Wednesday from now, then I can start adding another No Negaitivity day soon. And pretty soon, every day will be a No Negaitivity day!


I will be keeping an eye on Facebook and I'll be removing negative people from my friends. It's something I've been meaning to do for a long time now. There are a few people who are always very negative and other who comment on status updates, making me feel annoyed and negative. They will be cut. My mission for today is to surround myself with positive energy, cultivate it and grow it and try to spread the love, one person at a time. Happy days!


I'm am super excited about my trip to Cape Town tomorrow! I think our meeting is going to bring a lot of changes, positive changes! It's going to be good, I can just feel it!


So I was reading an atricle on Women24 that shook my brain a little. I am now convinced that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. Here is the link: http://www.women24.com/LoveAndSex/SinglesAndDating/How-to-spot-an-abuser-20100211


In brief, here is what the article says are the signs of an abuser:

• Nothing is ever his fault
• He alienates you from friends and family
• He manipulates you through a system of praise and punishment
• He thinks he is above the law
• He needs constant admiration and craves recognition and praise
• He's obsessed with grandiose fantasies of himself as being god-like and invincible
• He shows a complete lack of empathy. His feelings are the only ones that matter.

I can say yes to all seven of these points when thinking about the ex. I had thought all of these things about him in the last few months, but to be told that they are the signs of an abuser.... Yeah. I didn't see that one coming. At least now I know and I won't allow him or any other man to treat me the same way.


I need to get some breakfast now. I woke up starving!!!! The coffee has helped, but I need something solid, something bready, something cheesy. Yumyum.

The Final Hour

Today has felt insanely long... I have been running on fumes all day and it is taking every little bit of energy I have to just keep my eyes open. I am so incredibly tired!!! I reckon I will have some dinner when I get home and then call it a night for me. I just need to sleep. I've had a metric fuck-ton of coffee and it's not really helping. All I need is a bit of energy to get to the bus stop and then onto the train. I may have a power nap or two on the way home. Yes, it's that bad.

I'm going to Cape Town on Thursday and I'm really looking forward to it through my haze of tiredness. I'm leaving on Thursday morning, and luckily it's not the first flight. I'm flying at the very decent time of 9am. I'm staying in Cape Town on Thursday night and I'll be flying back on Friday morning. I'll arrive in Joburg at 11am and I'm hoping to convince the boss to let me go home. I really don't want to have to come back to the office on Friday!

I haven't heard from either the ex or the Advocate. I'm kinda glad I haven't heard from the ex because I just don't have the energy to deal with him, even on the days that I'm bursting with energy. The Advocate... I don't know. Perhaps he will call at some stage, but I really don't like being summoned by him, when he's available and then not hearing from him when I invite him to things. It's not how it works, regardless of his other responsibilities. A phone call or sms is just common courtesy, in my opinion. Yes, I know I have to be patient, but I need to know what I'm waiting for because I'm sure as hell not going to wait for someone who will be mostly unavailable to me. I've played the role of second-best before and I'm not willing to do that again.

45 minutes to go...

I think I'll have another cup of coffee....

Running on Empty

I slept so badly last night. I was exhausted and went to bed at a reasonable time. But then I woke up at 1am. And then 2am. And then 3am. And then 4am. It was horrible. I am feeling out of sorts today as a result.

What also has me feeling out of sorts is an email I got from the ex. He said that he has not been well and he asked me if I wanted to get together for a drink. I replied, obviously. I said that I am rather busy at the moment but that I'd see. The honest truth is that I don't want to see him because it is still just too painful. Even this email has opened the hurt a little. I'm sure that he hasn't been well because he's missing me, at least, I hope he is. But I have been dealing with all of this for 4 months now and I can't allow him back in my life now. I have been moving forward. I can't go back. I really don't think that there is anything left to say to him. I can't save him from whatever he's going through. I have to keep saving myself. I know it's the right thing to do for me, but at the same time, I feel like a horrible person because of it.

In other news, I am going to Cape Town for a meeting on Thursday. It should be interesting. There are a lot of new developments that will be going on at work and this meeting will be taking place so we can discuss them. It's rather exciting.

I just want to get through today and get home for some rest. I'm very sleepy today.

Family Visit

I'm not at work today. I took the day off and went to the airport early this morning to welcome my aunt and cousin to South Africa. Now we are just chilling at home, catching up, and helping them not to fall asleep! It's nice to have some of the extended family here. Truly hoping that they have a good time!

Back to Basics

Many years ago, I was faced with a tough decision. Do I allow myself to miss ut on events that I want to go to just because no one wants to go with me? Or do I go on my own because I know that I will most likely meet up with someone I know?


I decided at that stage to never miss out on something because of someone else. And so I started going out when I wanted, where I wanted, regardless of whether I was had to go alone or not.


That was quite a long time ago. And the the ex came along and suddenly I always had someone to go out with, well, for the most part anyway. I stopped going out on my own.


But now I'm single again.


I have to learn to be me again. I have to learn to start saying "Fuck you" to the world again and start doing what I want, when I want, how I want.


Last night reminded me of the person I used to be. I had had plans with a friend for a month to go out lst night. Yip, I had told this friend of mine a month ago about a party I wanted to go to and she was all for it. Ok, so I changed the plan to another party, but the date had not changed. My friend even asked me at the beginning of the week if we were still for our big night out, and even though I had quite an emotionally draining week and didn't feel like doing anything when she asked, I said that yes, we were still on for Saturday night.


So when I received an sms from my friend on Saturday morning, casually asking how I was doing, I just got the feeling that I was going to be dropped. Later that afternoon, I sent her an sms asking if we could go in her car because I was without transport, and that when the bomb was dropped. She couldn't go because she's broke. Ummm... Ok then. I can't afford to pay for anyone at the moment, but I did manage to keep a bit of money to one side so I could go out. Obviously, I'm the only one that thought to do that. When I got the feeling that I was going to be dropped, earlier in the day, I sent a message to the Advocate, letting him know about the party, telling him that if he wanted to hang out, I was going to go there. It was kind of my back-up plan. But no reply from him either. So what did I do last night? I watched a movie on TV and hung out with my friend Jim Beam. And I went to bed very, very early. And very, very angry.


So here's my deal... From now on, I will try to resume my stance on going to the gigs and events I want to go to, regardless of whether I have someone with me or not. I need to get over the fear of being alone. I refuse to sit around at home on a Saturday night, miserable because I've been bailed on. Fuck that. I will do what I want to do. I will do it when I want to do it. I will do it how I want it to be done. I'm not waiting for wanyone any more. It's time for me to go back to being the person I was before. I'm going back to the beginning; I'm going back to basics.


Like it.


Don't like it.


I couldn't give a fuck.

The Final Stretch

Only 30 minutes to go before I can get out of here. I didn't want to get annoyed to day, but I am. A little. I think I'm grumpy mostly because I'm tired. I've been struggling to keep my energy levels up. And then, of course, there's my little issue of being impatient and wanting to call teh Advocate. I'm not going to.... But I fucking hate waiting around. It would have been nice to go have an after-work, beginning-of-the-weekend drink, but my phone has been silent all day. Very, very annoying. Ugh, I just don't know. I don't want to ask him and be told no again. I know that there are good reasons behind him saying no, but it still comes with a bit of a sting. And I don't like being stung. I think I will just get on the bus, put my earphones on and zone out. And when I get home, I just want to sleep. Fuck this whole being awake thing. I'm so fucking tired. I've even started taking vitamins, but they don't do shit for me.

Tomorrow I am going out and I will have a good time, I know. I just need to rest before then. I have played around with the idea of inviting him, but I'll still see about that. Again, I don't want to be disappointed again. Ugh, whatever. I'm not in the mood for anything at this very moment. I am just feeling very sulky.

Cat Facts...

Jimi Hendrix

"I don't have nothing to regret at all in the past, except that I might've unintentionally hurt somebody else or something"

"I'm the one that has to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life, the way I want to"

"Music doesn't lie. If there is something to be changed in this world, then it can only happen through music"

"Music is my religion"

"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens"

"In order to change the world, you have to get your head together first"

"When I die, I want people to play my music, go wild, freak out and do anything the want to do"

"Whe the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jimi_Hendrix

It's the Weeeeeeeekend, Baby!!!!

It's finally Friday! It's been a long week, very busy and quite emotional. I'm glad it's done and dusted... Well, almost. Just have to get through today. Just a few hours of corporate slavery and then I am outta here for three days.

I took Monday off because my aunt is arriving from Chile, so I am going to go to the airport with my parents. She was here a year ago, but I only saw her for a few minutes at the airport, so I am going to make up for it this time. I've taken another three days off in the month so that I can spend time with her. It'll be good!

Come on Friday, move along now!!!

Funnies...

Because it's Thursday afternoon and we all need that extra ooomph to get us to the end of the week!!!

Tool - Forty Six & 2

This song came up on my playlist a couple of times yesterday. I can relate to it. It's about dealing with your issues and seeing yourself change, doing whatever it is you need to do to get out of that dark place and be a whole person again. And yes, it's about picking scabs, or hurting yourself over and over again and realising that you're doing it and then stopping and getting back to work on healing.

My shadow's
shedding skin and
I've been picking
Scabs again.
I'm down
Digging through
My old muscles
Looking for a clue.

I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own confused
And insecure delusions
For a piece to cross me over
Or a word to guide me in.
I wanna feel the changes coming down.
I wanna know what I've been hiding in

My shadow.
Change is coming through my shadow.
My shadow's shedding skin
I've been picking
My scabs again.

I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic
And insecure delusions.

I wanna feel the change consume me,
Feel the outside turning in.
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I've endured within

My shadow
Change is coming.
Now is my time.
Listen to my muscle memory.
Contemplate what I've been clinging to.
Forty-six and two ahead of me.

I choose to live and to
Grow, take and give and to
Move, learn and love and to
Cry, kill and die and to
Be paranoid and to
Lie, hate and fear and to
Do what it takes to move through.

I choose to live and to
Lie, kill and give and to
Die, learn and love and to
Do what it takes to step through.

See my shadow changing,
Stretching up and over me.
Soften this old armor.
Hoping I can clear the way
By stepping through my shadow,
Coming out the other side.
Step into the shadow.
Forty six and two are just ahead of me.

Rejection is Direction

I ended my day yesterday feeling rather bad. I wanted to see the Advocate and instead of waiting for him to call me, I sent him a message asking him if he wanted to have a drink after work. He said that he couldn't because he had his daughter with him. It made me feel bad. It made me feel rejected. I was consoled by Zee who said that it's normal to feel this way, but that I shouldn't feel rejected by him. Here's the thing, the ex hurt me. He hurt me badly and my ego has been badly bruised. At the moment I need to feel better about myself as a woman. I need to feel desired and I know that I would get that from the Advocate. However, the Advocate has other responsibilities (his daughter) and he told me that he wants to take it slow. That's actually a good thing because he is preventing me from making him my rebound guy. I actually really appreciate that. I like him and I think that there could be a future with him. I don't want to mess it up. I am, by nature, very impatient. I hate waiting. I hate waiting for the bus, I hate waiting for the lift, I hate waiting for the end of the week, I hate waiting for people to call. If I were able to have my way, I would rush into things with the Advocate and most likely end up losing him. So yes, I'm glad that he's recognised my impatience and that he's forcing me to slow down.

So yes, due to my shitty feelings yesterday afternoon, I ended up with the beginnings of a migraine. I was in bed by 8pm. At one stage all my kitties were on the bed with me, keeoing me company because they knew I wasn't feeling well.

And then I had the strangest dream. It featured the ex. It the first time that he's been in my dreams. I was at Dee's house, she was hosting a Christmas party. The ex was there too (altough I know that she would never do that to me). Anyway, in my dream, I was trying to be polite to him. I tried to talk to him about us and he was in a miserable mood. He was drinking a lot and he said that he was going to take acid. I got angry and shouted at him, saying that it was so typical of him to avoid his issues by drinking and taking drugs all the time. He kept running away. I hit him with a bunch of flowers I was holding. I wanted to hit him more but I couldn't catch up to him. Then I called my parents to come and fetch me, to take me away from him. In my dreams I am also car-less. He was there and he said that it was typical of me to run away to Mommy and Daddy when things got difficult. And I got angry again. I told him that I needed to be with the people who love me. I told him that he didn't love me, that he never did.

And then I woke up.

I was freaked out by the dream. But then I started thinking about it and what it means. Here is my theory... I know that I am going to see him again and that I am going to try get some closure from him. But this dream is telling me not to expect him to have changed. The dream is telling me that he has not changed at all and that all I will end up with is frustration and anger. He hasn't changed. He is still avoiding the issues he has in his life by drinking and taking drugs so that he doesn't have to think about it. And it's telling me that it's ok to surround myself with the people that truly care about me.

So there we go. I think that the dream told me that I need to move on with my life. I can't expect people to give me the things that I need so I must leave them in my past and make sure that the people in my present are good for me.

Yes.

It's weird. Even though I was visibly shaken up this morning, I am now feeling calm and relaxed. I am feeling more patient. I am feeling more content. Everything will be fine. I will be fine. Sure, I slip up every once in a while and the monster in me tries to escape but I'm working at taming that monster. I'm teaching the monster to chill the fuck out.

Baby steps.

Feeling Better...

Last night was a bad night. My three most painful memories all hit me at the same time and it was not pretty. All three memories take place within the first week of each month, and yesterday, being November 1st, they all came tumbling down on me in one fell swoop. I cried a lot. I cursed God. I cursed him. It was ugly and horrible. But this morning I am feeling better.

I am somewhat torn at the moment. I want to call the Advocate. But all the self-help women's books say that the guy must call the woman. Thing is, I hate waiting. I like to be in control. I am uncomfortable sitting around waiting for the phone to ring. I've managed to distract myself somewhat with work, but when I have quiet moments, all I want to do is pick up the phone and call. I honestly don't know what to do.

I sent him an email last Tuesday, to let him know about the things of his that I found in my stuff. I had practically given up on a reply, but this morning when I checked my mail, there it was. The reply. Some stupid excuse about not seeing the mail, obviously to try and show how busy and important he is. He says he'll be in touch, that he'll let me know. Whatever. I will not reply to that. And if I'm busy, then tough. I will not make him a priority again. Whatever happens, happens.

My mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told her I wanted a tattoo. She didn't seem impressed. And then I told her I wanted a small tattoo with two dates: 1 April 2009 and 6 July 2011. Immediately she knew what they meant and she went very quiet. Fuck sakes, it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I want nothing else. Just that.

Today I just need to complete my reports on all the material I read and I will have that done relatively soon. After that, I will take a break. And then tomorrow, I dive head-first into completely my programme. It's going to be a lot of work. But it's going to be worth it. At the end of the month, I'll be in Olwazini practically for two weeks back-to-back. Hectic and awesome at the same time. I can't wait.

For now, I just need to forge ahead.

Very Busy and Important...

So it turns out that November is going to be a very busy month for me... I am attending training at our delightful off-site location from the 28th and I've just found out that the week before that, I'll be there as well for the strategy sessions! Freakin' awesome!

I've even had to delegate a meeting to another material developer for those days that I'm away!

Holy shitballs, I'm too cool!

Time is on my side.... I hope...

Four months ago today, I packed my things and left the life I shared with him. I last saw him one month ago today. The other anniversary is only a few days away. I am not in a good place today. A few tears have already been shed. I want to get back into my bed, curl up and cry.

In other news, the Gautrain was a mess again today. Trains were not running from Sandton to Rosebank. They provided a bus service. I had to stand the whole way. And I almost fell face-first into the lap of a stranger more than once. Fun times.

I have a ton of work to get through today. Luckily I discovered a way to work smart as opposed to working hard. But still, it's a lot and I don't feel like doing it.

Depsite my best intentions, I am already having a crap day.

I want to go home.