Jumping to Conclusions

I wish that my brain had an off switch, especially when it comes to the ex. He has been in my head for a few days now. I keep playing certain things over and over again. I keep re-visiting old, unconfirmed suspicions. I keep questioning some of the things he said and did. Then I link those memories with others and I come up with all these conclusions, which may or may not be true. I wish I could stop. What I need is closure. I know this. And I also know that I will not get it. Not from him anyway.

Then here at work, I am not having much of a great time either. I have been getting dirty looks all day, as though I were in primary school again. It just really puts a downer on my work situation. It gives me stress and it drains my energy. I am obviously working with children who do not have the balls to talk to me about whatever issue they may have with me. How frustrating.

There is just a short while until I go home. I am not at the office tomorrow and I am so happy about that! I need to be away from this tension. It is hurting me.

No Negativity Wednesday

I am going to do my utmost to remain positive today. If I can do it every Wednesday from now, then I can start adding another No Negaitivity day soon. And pretty soon, every day will be a No Negaitivity day!


I will be keeping an eye on Facebook and I'll be removing negative people from my friends. It's something I've been meaning to do for a long time now. There are a few people who are always very negative and other who comment on status updates, making me feel annoyed and negative. They will be cut. My mission for today is to surround myself with positive energy, cultivate it and grow it and try to spread the love, one person at a time. Happy days!


I'm am super excited about my trip to Cape Town tomorrow! I think our meeting is going to bring a lot of changes, positive changes! It's going to be good, I can just feel it!


So I was reading an atricle on Women24 that shook my brain a little. I am now convinced that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. Here is the link: http://www.women24.com/LoveAndSex/SinglesAndDating/How-to-spot-an-abuser-20100211


In brief, here is what the article says are the signs of an abuser:

• Nothing is ever his fault
• He alienates you from friends and family
• He manipulates you through a system of praise and punishment
• He thinks he is above the law
• He needs constant admiration and craves recognition and praise
• He's obsessed with grandiose fantasies of himself as being god-like and invincible
• He shows a complete lack of empathy. His feelings are the only ones that matter.

I can say yes to all seven of these points when thinking about the ex. I had thought all of these things about him in the last few months, but to be told that they are the signs of an abuser.... Yeah. I didn't see that one coming. At least now I know and I won't allow him or any other man to treat me the same way.


I need to get some breakfast now. I woke up starving!!!! The coffee has helped, but I need something solid, something bready, something cheesy. Yumyum.

Running on Empty

I slept so badly last night. I was exhausted and went to bed at a reasonable time. But then I woke up at 1am. And then 2am. And then 3am. And then 4am. It was horrible. I am feeling out of sorts today as a result.

What also has me feeling out of sorts is an email I got from the ex. He said that he has not been well and he asked me if I wanted to get together for a drink. I replied, obviously. I said that I am rather busy at the moment but that I'd see. The honest truth is that I don't want to see him because it is still just too painful. Even this email has opened the hurt a little. I'm sure that he hasn't been well because he's missing me, at least, I hope he is. But I have been dealing with all of this for 4 months now and I can't allow him back in my life now. I have been moving forward. I can't go back. I really don't think that there is anything left to say to him. I can't save him from whatever he's going through. I have to keep saving myself. I know it's the right thing to do for me, but at the same time, I feel like a horrible person because of it.

In other news, I am going to Cape Town for a meeting on Thursday. It should be interesting. There are a lot of new developments that will be going on at work and this meeting will be taking place so we can discuss them. It's rather exciting.

I just want to get through today and get home for some rest. I'm very sleepy today.