Feeling F.I.N.E

That means:

Fucked Up

Insecure

Neurotic

Emotional

Despite my best intentions, I'm not having a good day. I have too many emotions going on today. I've been told that if I didn't feel anything, I wouldn't be human. I'd like to be a little less human, thank you very much.

Part of me has been expecting some form of communication from him, an email or something to show me that he gives a shit. I know I shouldn't expect anything, but a habit is a difficult thing to break. I hate the fact that I believe in people, that I expect people to do things that they are not willing or ready to do. He has put up a few comments which may or may not be directed at me. I don't know. I'm too tired to get involved in a battle of status updates and tweets. My heart hurts. I didn't want things to turn out this way, but I'm so tired of waiting, so tired of having my hopes dashed and of having my heart broken each time. And the really sad thing is that, despite being given a fair chance, he has done nothing, not one fucking thing, to show me or tell me what he wants. Perhaps he sees my giving up on him as me being spiteful and passive aggressive. It's actually just a fact of me being tired of banging my head against a brick wall. It's me being tired of searching for something within him that simply isn't there. The condoms and deodorant that I saw at the flat.... That means he's moving on. Without me. And so quickly. It makes me wonder if he ever really cared about me. It hurts so much because I genuinely cared for him. I loved him deeply. Part of me still does. It fucking hurts to feel so damn replaceable. Did the last three and a half years mean nothing to him? Were all the nice things he said, all the times he said "I love you" just a way to keep me from leaving? The very real possibility that he's hooked up with someone else makes me wonder if he ever really meant those words. Because when I said them to him, I meant them. I really did. I feel so stupid for believing him for so long. I'm so sad.

I just want to go home and cry.

My heart is so sore right now.