Stop it!

I've been doing something very stupid that I need to stop right now. I have been looking at his Facebook profile and have seen him making plans with random, slutty-looking chicks. He's also had some of these chicks over at the flat, our flat, the home that I was trying to make for us. I don't know if he's sleeping with any of them. I don't want to know. It just hurts that he's running around like a free man, hanging out with chicks when I'm still so shocked at the end of the relationship that I'm basically hiding from the world. I guess it just shows me that he was with me out of convenience. I was probably just someone who would clean his house, do his laundry and have sex with him without him having to make any effort. It's sad. Even though my head knows that he's not the one for me, that he's bad news and that he'll hurt me all over again if given the opportunity, I know that if he had to tell me he wants me back, my heart will want to say yes. Not that it will ever happen. He seems very happy to rock out with his cock out. I hope he knows that herpes has no cure. That shit is forever. Just saying.

I have decided to do some clothes shopping after payday. I have to go to Cresta for an eye test on the 24th and then I will hit the shops. I need ballet pumps. At least a black pair, but I'd like a couple of sassy pairs too, red, maybe a leopard print too. Yes. And some new clothes to go with my new hair. Something sexy. Yes.

I told my psychologist that he suffers from Peter Pan Syndrome. The description on Wiki is actually so accurate!!! Here's the link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Puer_aeternus

So he emailed me yesterday, giving me a bullshit story about not replying to my messages this weekend because he had run out of airtime. He must have also been crippled since he "couldn't" get any more. And he said that he was going to be very busy this week so I would be able to go to the flat to pack up some things after work. Ha ha fucking ha. I replied saying that I was very busy at work this week and would most likely have to work late and that I get back to Pretoria feeling very tired and would not be in the mood to go over there and pack. And then I promptly told him that I would be going over there on Friday evening because I know that he will be out and about, probably catching herpes or something. What he doesn't know is that Dee is coming with me. A bottle of wine or two, packing up and a good old-fashioned bitch session. And no, I won't be destroying any of his stuff because he would expect that. He will, however, realise that this is it. After all the shit, all the tears and all the anger, it's finally over.

I watched the video to this song on Youtube last night. There are lyrics there that reminded me of him and his stalling to let me get my things out the flat (see the bit in italics)

you say I only hear what I want to.
you say I talk so all the time so.

and I thought what I felt was simple,
and I thought that I don't belong,
and now that I am leaving,
now I know that I did something wrong 'cause I missed you.
yeah, I missed you.

and you say I only hear what I want to:
I don't listen hard,
I don't pay attention to the distance that you're running
or to anyone, anywhere,
I don't understand if you really care,
I'm only hearing negative: no, no, no.

so I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up,
and this woman was singing my song:
the lover's in love, and the other's run away,
the lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay.

some of us hover when we weep for the other who was
dying since the day they were born.
well, this is not that:
I think that I'm throwing, but I'm thrown.

and I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure.

you try to tell me that I'm clever,
but that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you.

you said that I was naive,
and I thought that I was strong.
I thought, "hey, I can leave, I can leave."
but now I know that I was wrong, 'cause I missed you.
you said, "You caught me 'cause you want me and one day you'll let me go."
"you try to give away a keeper, or keep me 'cause you know you're just so scared to lose.and you say, "stay."

you say I only hear what I want to.