This morning I came to realise that I am fucking awesome... I've always said it of myself but for the first time, I am actually starting to believe it. I have been thinking back to the things that have happened to me in the last year. Firstly, one year ago today, he got into an accident and destroyed my car. Over Christmas, I had a lot of issues with my family and both my parents were gravely ill. And then the ball dropped in the most hectic way three months ago.
If I look back at the last three months, I never thought I would be where I am today. I thought I was broken beyond repair. I thought I had lost everything. Now, I am stronger than I ever thought I would be. Yes, I still hurt and cry but those days are further and further apart. I still feel lonely but I am ok with that. I am getting used to being alone. And I'm not alone in a bad way. I realise that I am re-finding myself. I lost myself with him. I tried to be what he wanted me to be. I gave him everything, expecting nothing in return. And that's exactly what I got. Now I am able to make my own choices. I am discovering who I am and what I want from life on my own terms.
I still have feelings for him. Most of those feelings are anger and disappointment. I still care about him but I try not to allow that to overwhelm me. Just as I have had to deal with so many things on my own in the last three months, he will have to do the same when he finally stops trying to distract himself from going through it. I wanted to be there for him for that difficult time, but I had to go through it on my own and he must do the same. I know that my relationship with him is over. If we remain friends, it will be a lot. At the moment, I can't be friends with him. The emotions are still too close to me to be able to put them to one side. I am an emotional being. My emotions rule my actions. It hasn't been easy to take my emotions out of the interactions with him and sometimes, those emotions still come through. But Time is a wonderful teacher, a patient one, and I am a willing student.
It's strange. I actually feel so Zen. I no longer feel like I want to change things and control them. I am now able to put Fate into play, let things happen as they will. Losing control is no longer scary. I've actually realised that I never had control anyway, although I bravely and stupidly thought I did. But no, I have no control over the big things in life. All I can control is my reactions to these life-changing events.
For the first time, I feel at peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment